Happy new year readers! Usually these posts are filled with resolutions, more goals to meet, more things to do, more ways to be more productive. But I actually don’t believe more is the answer. Perhaps sometimes, less is more? Perhaps your new year goal should be to do less, to be less and to expect less. Of yourself and of others.
Maybe some of us even need to be less? Gosh, that doesn’t sound good! I know that. People who love you will and should love all of you. But if 2022 hit you with the same message it hit me with, it was definitely that I am too much for some people.
The email I sent the teacher, was too long and overwhelmed her. The gift I got a friend was “too much” and made her feel bad somehow. My size was too big, I needed to take up less room. My feelings were an over-reaction, they needed to be toned down. I reply to messages too fast and too often. I am too nice. I try too hard. And for whatever reason, it is really off putting to a lot of people!
I stand by being too much. 100%. I am who I am. I have a lot to offer and I will offer it. The right people for me will love how much I am. They may get overwhelmed by me occasionally, but they will persevere because they know I am worth it. They understand my intentions are good. And they know at the times that I am too much, that is because of their own issues. They have less to offer, so accepting my generosity makes them feel a pressure to reciprocate in kind.
I don’t expect reciprocation in kind. I let the people who love me, show their affection in ways that are natural and congruent with themselves. I don’t expect them to be over the top even if I am. That said, then that makes the other party feel like I am putting in more than they are. That I am being a better friend, and so inadvertently I make people feel bad about themselves and their level of friendship by being too much.
So instead of kind of insisting that I should be able to be as much as I like, perhaps 2023 is the year to work on being as much as someone else can handle. Meeting them only at the level to which they feel comfortable and reciprocating their investment instead of making them feel bad that they can’t reach where I am at. That would not mean being any less of myself. It would mean giving less of myself. It sounds simple, and yet it is an area I struggle with.
This is because I like giving. I like making people feel good about themselves. And, if I am honest, I like feeling as though I am offering something of value that might make them not want to leave me. But all of those statements are about me and what I like. So if I am blindly giving to people and making them feel badly about themselves despite my best intentions, then I am not being kind at all am I?
If I always pick up the bill, then they feel like they are cheap or gold digging. If I always over gift then their genuine gifting efforts look measly. If I always do things for them but never need help myself, then they feel like they are using me. If I always hug hello and goodbye but they don’t, then they feel cold. If I always have positive things to say, they might feel like they are wrong for speaking up about any discomfort.
In a way, being too much is my insurance policy against people leaving. But it has the unfortunate effect of trapping people in a situation where they have no reason to leave and yet an inexplicable desire to escape!
So this year I want to try to do less. I intend to sit back and see what the people in my life bring to the table and meet them there. Instead of me making all the effort and them struggling to reciprocate, I will let them make the effort and that will tell me what level they can handle.
They can make plans with me. Everyone can pay for themselves. If they give me a handmade gift I will do the same. If they don’t do gifts, I wont either. If they don’t message or call, I will let silence fall comfortably until they do. I already know I am enough without the bells and whistles.
So my new years resolution is just to be me, more gently and quietly, and see who is there for that, and let go of anyone who really did just want the bells and whistles. They aren’t my people anyway.
That said, I will still value the people who keep up the pace without me initiating. I still am too much. I still have a lot to give and I still want to give it. I’ll just make sure I give it in return to those who earn it this year, and learn not to burn the rest.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
