What is the appropriate way to handle a situation when you have had a helluva heated argument with a friend, and then you have to associate, personally in a group or professionally? We read a lot these days about boundaries; both instating them and respecting the ones others instate! But what if we have different boundaries or ideas about how to behave?
What if one person instates a boundary that they do not wish to talk to their friend. That they will be polite, say hello, share necessary details, and otherwise avoid them. However their friend has opposing views or feelings, in their eyes, it is acceptable to make small talk, to appear to be friendly even if they are no longer friends. Does that mean that the second person is disrespecting the boundaries of the first?
Is there an appropriate course of action to take? If someone knows you don’t want to engage with them, and yet they continue pushing you into it, is this a violation of your boundaries? If they know they are putting you in a position to act against your values, by engaging with them deliberately in unwelcome small talk, is this ok?
Let’s say Danielle and Mary have an irreparable fracture in their friendship, however they are both part of a larger social circle that congregates in group settings often. Danielle does not wish to engage with Mary at all. She will say hello, however does not feel the need to talk about the weather with Mary. She would rather avoid all interactions. Mary however, feels embarrassed by their friendship fracture. She is insecure the rest of the group will side with Danielle. So at the next few group events, Mary goes out of her way to be friendly to Danielle. She always approaches Danielle to say hello when she arrives and she insists on lingering, trying to make polite small talk about the weather or the traffic or asking the whereabouts of other members.
This makes Danielle very uncomfortable and puts her in the precarious position of entertaining the charade or risk facing the judgement of the others if she is rude to Mary. It feels like a power play to Danielle. Mary knows she is making Danielle uncomfortable and yet persists.
Mary feels it is important to take the high road, she doesn’t want to appear petty to the group and she doesn’t want the silent tension affecting the rest of the group. She doesn’t really want to talk to Danielle either, but she feels it is the mature thing to do. This way, if Danielle refuses to engage with her, or if she is rude to Mary, it reflects poorly on Danielle and not on Mary.
Danielle has no desire to make Mary look bad to the group, she just doesn’t want to pretend that her and Mary are still friendly, when they are not. She is happy to acknowledge Mary, however she feels it is pointless to engage in needless conversations about nothing, when it would otherwise be appropriate and not uncomfortable for silence to stay between them.
Each time Danielle arrives at a function, Mary ill approach her directly and say hello. She goes out of her way to do this. It isn’t necessary, Danielle feels, as nobody would have noticed had she slipped into the room without greeting Mary, particularly if a group hello would have been fine. Mary insists on asking how traffic was, and if Bianca is coming, does Danielle know.
Danielle is annoyed. Mary could ask any of the other members about Bianca. Mary knows that Bianca and Danielle are not particularly close and there is no reason to expect Danielle would know anything about it. Why didn’t Mary ask Charlotte where Bianca is? They are close?
MARY “Hi Danielle, you’re late, was there a traffic accident on the way? Bianca isn’t here yet either, so I wondered if you were travelling together… obviously not. Do you know why she isn’t here?”
DANIELLE (loudly addressing the group) “Hello everyone! I Have arrived! No traffic or disasters, just unorganised as always! Charlotte, I see Bianca is not here tonight, is everything ok with her?”
Mary sits back down at the table next to Sheila and starts expressing frustration about Danielle, how that was very rude of her, how immature it was to snub her in front of the group like that. Danielle sits away from Mary near Charlotte and continues a conversation about Bianca, who isn’t here tonight because she is babysitting her niece tonight. She makes no mention of Mary.
Later in the evening Sheila approaches Danielle and asks why she didn’t talk to Mary. Danielle tells her they had a falling out, and she doesn’t wish to discuss the details, but would prefer to steer clear of Mary for her own wellbeing and for the sake of the group. Sheila says that Mary is upset and perhaps Danielle could talk to her. Danielle asks Sheila about her husband, who recently had surgery, and Sheila respects Danielle’s boundaries enough to let it slide.
Is Mary talking to Danielle as a power play? Is Mary disrespecting Danielle’s boundaries? Is Danielle being rude to Mary by refusing to engage her directly? Is that a power play? Is Danielle disrespecting Mary’s boundaries by refusing to “join her on the high road?”
I think sometimes common sense is required. I think Mary should not have made a fuss of Danielle’s arrival. When she failed to do that, I think Danielle could have addressed her directly and said “Hi Mary. Traffic was fine, you know me, I am always late! I have no idea about Bianca, you should ask Charlotte. But please don’t do this again in future, there is no need for us to pretend. I would prefer you didn’t engage me directly if at all possible, and I will return the favour. I’m certain you understand. Enjoy your night.” Mary should not have said anything about it to Sheila and it didn’t have to make the group uncomfortable.
Boundaries are rigid, whereas life requires flexibility. There is no reason both women couldn’t engage in a group conversation, however there was also no urgent need for them to directly conversate either. People don’t stop existing when we break up with them. We probably will see them and we probably will have to be cordial when we do. However there is no need to push people to talk needlessly, as there is no need to completely ignore someone either.
Both parties have to have some level of maturity to handle this in the best interests of the group, the greater good and not themselves. If they cannot do this, perhaps the group is better off without both of them?!
Thoughts?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
