This is one of those posts that may be wildly popular and unpopular all at once. Because most of us have a needy friend, and most of us don’t consider ourselves needy. That said, it is probably also true that most of us have a friend who considers us as their needy friend, even if we aren’t actually aware of it!
So what does it feel like to be the needy friend? This may help you identify if you are or if you have a friend that is! It feels like one person is always the initiator. They always call first, text first, make invitations first and make plans first. They often wonder, quietly to themselves, if they stopped reaching out, would their friend even notice? Would they care? Would they be relieved? Would they reach out? It can feel like the other person is doing you some sort of favour by spending any of their precious time on you, even if what you are doing is actually servicing them in some way. It can feel like they don’t care, like they aren’t really listening to you, remembering the details or asking you questions about your life. It can be quite a painful and confusing experience. You love your friend and they are enjoyable to be around, when they are around…. Except it feels like they never are around all that much.
Alternatively, this is what it feels like if you have a needy friend. They never give you a chance to miss them. They reach out frequently, like as soon as they see you online you get the messages hitting your inbox. They call at least twice a week and push you to hang out and make plans every weekend at least. Although you enjoy them, somehow you always feel pressured. There is a sense of uneasiness when you see their name on your screen, AGAIN! You feel frustrated and annoyed because you are busy and never feel anything you offer is enough to satisfy them! Do they not realise you have a life? You are busy, you have work deadlines, family, a house to run and partner to tend to. You like hanging out with your friend, and you honestly wish you had more time for it, but short of early retirement, you don’t foresee that happening!
So here is the real eye opener, no matter what side of the fence you fall on! Your needy friend is not needy. Your needy friend simply needs, reciprocation! It is human nature to feel insecure if you don’t feel your effort and energy is being reciprocated. Nobody likes feeling that they are begging for someone’s attention or that they are somehow not good enough for anybody else. Particularly in friendship where those physical attractions do not play any role. And nobody is so busy that they can’t possibly make some time, because the truth is that people will make time for what is important to them.
Consider your busy schedule as it is, then consider that a family member (child/spouse/parent/sibling) becomes unwell and needs regular treatment at the hospital for 3 hours 3 times a week? You make time, things get done, and the world keeps spinning. Now that is an EXTREME example, but my point is the same. If you really wanted to, you could squeeze more time out of your schedule. Consider that you are currently single, but still busy with work, extended family, a house and kids or pets etc…. Then you meet a potential romantic partner….. suddenly you are making time for someone new, because you are invested and you want this person in your life. Hanging out with them is a priority, right? As it should be, of course!
However, this is what your needy friend craves. They want someone who seeks them out. They want to feel important enough to you that you would want to make time for them. They really like you enough to make time for you, regardless of what else they have going on. (To be fair, circumstances do tend to play a role here. If you have a large close knit family, a job that requires quite a lot of work in your own time, a house that requires a lot of maintenance and a partner who is also home on weekends etc…. you will find that you have less disposable time than someone with a smaller, less close family, in an established home that requires little attention, a job that you leave in the office, and a partner who works FIFO or shift work including nights and weekends etc…)
Your needy friend doesn’t want to make you feel bad, just as you don’t want to make them feel bad either! You probably cherish low maintenance friends who you can go for months without seeing and spend an hour together and for that to be enough to keep your friendship solid for the next year! On the other hand, your needy friend feels disconnected if that effort to keep in touch is lacking.
So here is the part of the piece that neither side is going to like very much. The truth is, you and your needy friend probably just aren’t all that compatible. You are giving as much as you are willing to give and they still feel like something is lacking. They feel disappointed if you only spend an hour together on the weekend and honestly don’t appreciate that you had to move mountains to make that hour happen. On the other hand, they feel underappreciated, ignored and, well, needy! Haha If you are the needy friend, please understand, you are not asking for too much, you are just asking for too much from certain people.
Your friendship is reciprocated, but your efforts are not. So stop making the effort, and find people you are more compatible with to make the effort for! That doesn’t mean ditching your less needy friends, but it means filling your social time with people who have the same desire as you for a stronger more consistent connection. You will all feel better if you do! And hey, maybe there is a small chance your less needy friends will miss you, and actually start making some more effort to keep you around.
What it comes down to is that some people don’t prioritise friendships, either because they do not have the time or they do not have the inclination. If you feel like the needy friend, then you probably do value and prioritise it, and that is wonderful, as long as you find your tribe of others who do too! As I said in the beginning of this post, most of us do have a needy friend (even if we also feel like the needy one to someone else!) Those are your people. Go where the love is. And if you don’t like those friends as much for whatever reason, your mission becomes to make new ones that you do like as much, who will make time for you.
We all deserve reciprocation, it is just about finding it where it lies and not trying to force it where it does not. There are more compatible matches out there for you, so find them! Every moment you waste chasing the attention of someone with none to offer, is a moment lost with a potential new friend who is also waiting for you to come into their lives!
Find your people and ease and reciprocation will follow.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
