Recently a reader wrote in to me about a dilemma she is facing. She moved away with her best friend not so long ago and somehow living together has made them less close. This was unexpected and painful. But when I thought about most friendship issues, they do seem to revolve largely around big life changes such as these.
People move away, people move in together, people get married, people have kids, people change jobs/hours, people get sick, people retire. All of these changes to a person’s individual life will have a flow on effect to their friendships. And this is the one aspect people don’t tend to consider when they make big choices. Not to say that someone shouldn’t move away for work because their best friend will be sad, but just that we tend to assume that friendships will always be positive and drama free and we are ill equipped or unprepared to deal with issues that arise by our own life choices.
Now, my reader’s dilemma was somewhat different in that they both moved, and they both moved in together, so surely more time together would make them even closer right? Except living with someone allows you to see much more of them than you did previously, and just because you like someone doesn’t mean you can live together. Add other life circumstances like one having a partner in the same city they moved to and one doing long distance and it isn’t hard to see how resentments and expectations build up.
The friend with her partner in the same city may have assumed it was a given for example that Friday night is date night, whereas the one in the long distance pairing may have expected to be included in date night because they perhaps at least expected to be considered. They didn’t have a big network of social ties here, what were they supposed to do? These little things start piling up and soon you are arguing over who did or didn’t do the dishes instead of addressing the real issues.
It seemed to me like the friend who was in a long distance pairing felt they had no choice but to start spending time with a wider network of people, to allow their friend the time and space to continue their relationship. Even if they were invited to date night, nobody really wants to be the permanent third wheel and it may have been triggering to see them together, making their long distance thing seem much lonelier. And so perhaps that friend naturally moves away and starts spending more time with other friends, to protect their fragile heart and ego. Then the coupled up friend feels the distance, but can’t quite articulate it without sounding jealous or possessive. Before it felt like they had a super close best friend (Platonic Life Partner?) and now they don’t have both. So perhaps little stuff that might not have bothered them before (such as aforementioned dishes) become bigger issues as a way to vent frustration.
The thing is that nobody is wrong here. Each is only looking to meet their own needs. But one seems to need more space and the other doesn’t. It isn’t actually personal at all, it’s completely circumstantial. Their circumstances changed and it impacted each of them differently. They both miss the way it was before, however life has moved on, and it can’t be the way it was before.
I feel my reader’s pain, but as I reflect back on my life, so many times an open and honest conversation could possibly have changed things. A conversation cannot change these circumstances, however why are we encouraged to drop friends and accept things instead of talking about how to make our connections more meaningful and sustainable when changes happen.
I know I have at least one friend with whom I have had conversations around circumstantial changes and how to deal with them. Her work schedule has shifted making her much less available. For a while she was letting me know on the day of our catch up’s if she could make it or not. Most often she couldn’t. This was disappointing me and I felt let down each week as I had not made other arrangements in the hope that she would be free. Eventually we had to have a conversation around our expectations. It was no longer realistic to expect we could catch up weekly. The expectation was letting me down and making her feel terrible and guilty too. So now we are more casual about our arrangements, and she will reach out if she is free. If I am also free then I we will make a plan. That’s not to say life never gets in the way, it does, but it’s less disappointing when it isn’t a consistent thing. It isn’t the same as it was before. We don’t see each other as often and that means we have to be more intentional about keeping in touch via messages or reaching out when it has been too long and we feel disconnected, or we simply need each other. If it is important we will make the time. We are still as close as we were before, maybe closer because that resentment is no longer there.
Other times when I have tried to have conversations or when people have tried to talk about changes with me, it hasn’t gone as smoothly and we just left each other’s lives. Was that due to an inability to compromise and adjust? I suspect it was. Don’t make my mistakes dear readers. If circumstances have changed, see what you can do to work around those changes to salvage positive feelings for one another and still meet those needs. You wont still get what you had before, but you will still have a friendship and then if the circumstances change again more favourably in the future, you can still come together again.
Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Work together even when life is tearing you apart. Allow each other space to grow, but a safe space to come back to. Talk openly about how you feel without blame or guilt then work together to find a workable solution. And if that isn’t working talk again and try something else. Be understanding of what is impacting each of you individually and don’t take things personally.
A little while back an old friend of mine and I reminisced about friends we had lost over our inability to be flexible, and how we might still be friendly, if not friends, had we been less all or nothing. We wanted things to stay the same, but insisting the impossible instead of asking how we could adapt was our own downfall in the end. We looked at it as less than before and less often feels worse than nothing. But it didn’t have to be less, it could have been meaningful but different if we allowed it to be. The choice is yours. Choose wisely!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
