This post is about fears or triggers. It may help you understand yourself and your own behaviour or that of your friend. This is a topic of interest, however I am not a qualified psychologist and am not writing this piece as advice. If you feel you may suffer from fears of abandonment and you would like professional guidance on healing from this, I encourage you to seek help from your trusted health professional for a referral to a psychologist.
People who suffer from fears of abandonment come on strong as friends initially. They put maximum effort into being well liked, and will be on their best behaviour. They will be fun, charming and encouraging. They will be supportive and caring. They will make invitations and buy gifts and listen and observe you closely. This is so they can find out what it is that you want to see in order for them to show you just that!
So you might find these friends, initially at least, seem like the perfect person, someone you have been waiting for or wishing for! If you see them with their other friends however, you might notice some discrepancy in character. How is it that they are the life of the party with you, a joke a minute, but are quite solemn with another friend and quite academic with another? You may just be impressed with how well rounded they seem, or you may start to question if they are just mirroring people.
As humans, we have fairly big ego’s and this tends to mean that who we secretly like the most is ourselves. People with a fear of abandonment therefore, may observe you, and then almost become you. You like sports? Suddenly they have an interest, and study up as much as they can so they can converse with you about it. You consider yourself intellectual? Watch them drop some fancy words into conversation, just enough that they catch your respect. You see what I mean.
If they aren’t mirroring you, their other party trick is still reflecting back to you what it is you want to see. If you’re a champagne tastes person on a beer budget, then watch them flash that brand name watch at you, or even better, give you one that they aren’t using anymore. (Whether it was one they had laying around or one they bought to gift to you but didn’t have a reason to gift.) They see, in this example that you value status and wealth, so they do what they can to offer you just that.
It is easy to get sucked into their whirlwind you see, because these people value being loved above all else. If you love them, you will never leave. You leaving them would be the worst case scenario. Ironically, they fear you might discover their true identity and it wont be good enough for you, so they pretend to be something they are not. You may even question how you are worthy of such a perfect and wonderful individual or why they would bother being friends with you, just a regular person. You may also wonder why they appear to have relationship drama when they are just so nice!
This tends to be because pretending to be something you are not is exhausting, so eventually you start seeing contradictions. It could be small things like them not replacing their phone to the newer level despite pretending to be rich, or bigger things like moodiness when initially they were so fun and upbeat?! But it is always easy for them to brush these things off, by saying they aren’t good with technology, which is feasible, or you may tell yourself everybody has bad days… so you can talk yourself out of seeing what is right infront of your eyes.
People with fear of abandonment often feel they have to manipulate or control you into staying in their life. That is where the rouse comes from in the first place. If they are everything you ever wanted, then you will love them and as long as they keep on showing you they believe you will keep on loving them and find security in thinking you will not leave. They cannot tolerate being alone. Sadly, this tends to make them sensitive to rejection, which will cause you many problems as they will be liable to perceive rejection in most things although there was none intended. The smallest of actions can and usually will be taken personally as a rejection. These are not the friends that you can casually say “I’ll call you back later” to, and then forget to call. This will be perceived as a rejection. Taking that example further, you can expect either a text that asks you if you are upset with them because you didn’t call back, or an angry accusation that you don’t respect them or their time or you would not have forgotten. They wont hesitate to point out that they would never have forgotten to call you back, because you are clearly more important to them than they are to you?!
And this is where the drama ensues. All you want is to be loved the way you are, but suddenly their love feels like it has many conditions to it. And even if you pride yourself on being a good friend, it may seem like you are never good enough, they are never happy. They make it easy and hard to love them all at once, and can and will consume as much of your time and attention as you will allow. This reassures them that you still love them, that they are important to you and that you are not leaving them.
They are probably not even aware that this is happening, it’s not something they have consciously set out to do. They have lost sight of who they are as a person and think even if they knew that it would be a boring person that nobody would bother with. They have chronically low self esteem and even if you didn’t do a single thing wrong, then they will apologise for being not good enough for you and require verbal reassurance. These friends are exhausting.
And so, when you become irritated by the constant drama, tired of reassuring them and frustrated with being accused of not liking them enough, your instinct tells you to pull back, you want space. The more space you try to put in place, the more they fight and chase you. It is almost a test, how far can they push you equates to them how much they can trust you. In essence you see the best and the worst of them all at once, because their best is their worst. To quote Taylor Tomlinson in her Netflix comedy special, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The very behaviour to seek reassurance to prove people wont leave is exactly what makes people leave.
So how should you best handle a friend with fear of abandonment? Consistency and commitment, with boundaries. Do not agree to something you aren’t prepared to actually do, be clear with them about what you can offer and what to expect, and what not to expect. Be patient and reassuring, but do not give more than you can. An example would be telling them that you will call every Tuesday at 8pm, then making it a priority to always call them on Tuesday at 8pm. If you cannot, you need to speak with them in advance and prepare another time to call, so they know they were still important enough to you that you didn’t forget and you also look forward to the call. This is how they feel friendship is reciprocated. They may initially ask for more than a weekly call, but the onus will be on you to set the boundaries and stick to them. If you do, and you remain consistent, in time you will see their genuine imperfect self, and that will be a beautiful thing, because they do not trust most people enough to see. And when they trust your consistent effort and commitment, which takes time, they will feel secure, and the drama will stop, mostly. We do all have bad days and they will still be susceptible to triggers.
The irony is that these friends come on strong, hard and fast, when what they really need is a slow growing consistent, calm and boundaried manner. On the plus side, not giving them what they want often holds their attention better than believing the smoke and mirrors because they really do want to be seen for who they are not who you want them to be.
Does this sound like you or someone you know? Or are you typically more avoidant? If you are, tune in next week for your instalment!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
