Disclaimer: This post carries on from last weeks post relating to fears of abandonment. As stated in that post, I am not a qualified mental health professional or medical professional. This post is personal opinion only. Should you need help for these issues, I strongly encourage you to seek professional guidance to heal yourself.
Last week we explored people with fear of abandonment and I know some of you could relate, be it in regards to a friend or yourself. I also know some of you couldn’t think of anything worse. You thought the idea of them sounded smothering and needy and repulsive in fact. Why would anyone try that hard to be your friend? Why would anyone even want to be your friend? You are a self proclaimed hard ass and proud of it. You haven’t got time for that rubbish, right?
Welcome dear readers, you are probably avoidant, or maybe your friend is avoidant. No matter what you do, these people do not want to let you in. Closeness is a weakness and they will fight you every step of the way. They are independent, often career or results driven and can at times be seen as abrupt, rude, flaky or inconsiderate. They are often late when they do show up and they seem to hold you at a distance. You somehow always sense a resistance from them, like they don’t like you or they have better things to do.
That’s not to say they never put their guard down and connect with you. They do, and it feels so rewarding when you finally see a glimpse of their inner workings, so you are unprepared and hurt when they are cold again the next minute. Like your moment of connection never happened at all or meant nothing. These people can be self depreciating, yet no matter how much you try and build them up, their low opinion of themselves sticks. Alternatively they can be full of themselves, always taking every opportunity to tell you how great they are, acting as if they could care less what anyone thinks of them. They don’t need anybody else.
This is because they have a fear of engulfment. Which basically means fear of entering a friendship or relationship with a person who depends on them to the detriment of them depending on themselves. They are so afraid of caring about your needs, it is a full time job caring for their own. They can’t do both, even if they want to. They do want to, of course, but they must put their own needs first, or they cannot survive. They will never ask you, nor anyone else in their life to help them, they will never depend on anyone but themselves. It is safer that way you see, because people will only fail and let them down anyway, so it is best not to ask. They have long ago accepted that nobody cares about their needs and nobody will.
From the very first meeting these friends are somewhat cold and standoffish. They may well be the coolest most well put together person in any room, however, laughing nonchalantly with fine wine and designer clothes. They can seem intimidating and out of reach. They are far more interested in rubbing shoulders with people above them than being polite to the wait staff. Even if they are not directly rude, there may be an air of hierarchy about them as they make petty demands to command status.
Interestingly, you may notice when talking to a senior, someone they respect as higher on the food chain than themselves, they may show a vulnerability that you wouldn’t expect based on your own encounters with them. You somehow always wish they respected and cared for you the way they do for those in positions of power. Ironically those are the people least interested in giving them the validation they crave whereas you do try but it is almost inconsequential to them. They do not care what you think of them if it is of no significant value in their life.
Emotional displays may embarrass or disgust them, gifts will be accepted then tossed or laughed at behind your back and somehow you will feel lucky for what little time and attention they have to offer. It will be hard to set boundaries with these people because they are flighty. They already have one foot out the door anyway. You may feel unable to express if they have hurt you or let you down and they will not hesitate to minimise your emotional responses to their bad behaviour. Be prepared to be told you are over reacting and that what you feel is silly. Plans change, they casually tell you after ditching you again at the last minute or standing you up, you should grow up and get a life.
These friends are the first to call you needy if you try to plan something in advance or brush you off if they have already seen you once that month. They don’t hold much time for friends, there is always something more productive to do. Family will either be their main priority or they will have cut ties entirely. There is very little middle ground.
While our friends who fear abandonment seek to connect and push to keep that connection real, our friends who are scared of engulfment already know that plan is futile. Nobody will stay. Nobody really cares. Everyone will leave, so you best get in first. In fact they go one step further and try avoiding connections in the first place because then it doesn’t hurt when they inevitably leave or fail you in other devastating ways. They have been used for personal gain and they will use others for theirs too, so you better have something to offer if you want any of their time or attention.
The contradiction is of course, that they too are human, and they too just want to be seen and loved and accepted. The reason you see a more vulnerable side of them with people of power or influence is because they desperately crave acceptance and success. The pursuit is endless, because it never brings them the love they really crave. The same love that could save them they actually reject. Being loved scares them too much, being hurt destroys them and they despise being weak or pitied.
So if your friend is avoidant, they actually need the same things as your friend who fears abandonment. They need slow consistency. They will push you away as a test time and time again, and you will need patience and persistence to teach them that you are safe, that you will not leave or disappoint them. You must praise and adore them, yes, but casually in small measure. They must feel as if your respect was to be earned or it was worthless to begin with. They need space. They need to feel you aren’t depending on them because nothing will turn them off sooner. They want to see that you are fine without them, or they will be scared away. They do care about you and how you feel, but they cannot and will not care too much too soon. That is a burden they cannot carry. You must prove you can handle your own emotions.
These friends are more practical. They will help you solve life problems, but your emotions are your own. They are not interested in them and will not accept any accountability for how you feel about something they did. No matter what they did, how you feel is your responsibility to handle and if you cannot they will walk away. This is because they cannot fail, or their ego will fracture, so you must tolerate much coldness to teach them you are a safe place to be warm. Although they push you away, they really want to know you will not leave. Don’t chase them, just be there for them. Allow them to come and go, to be hot and cold. Remain yourself, consistently warm. Unaffected. Slowly, over many years, they will grow to trust you, although it will be easy to scare them off and trigger their fierce independence by big emotional displays, positive or negative, although mostly negative.
They want to feel good enough for you which is ironic as they treat you like you are not good enough for them. They want to be loved as flawed individuals, without letting anyone see that they are flawed. Measured praise and limited criticism is the best route to follow with this friend. It wont be quick or easy, but it will be worth it. As when you earn a place in their heart and their life, you’re generally there forever.
So what if you and your friend have opposite fears? One of you fears abandonment and the other fears engulfment? Tune in next week to dance our way through it!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
