Growing up I always watched my mother with her friends. The way she would light up around them, the way she would cater for their dietary needs and remember birthdays and anniversaries. The way I could tell which ones she liked more than the others by her level of interest and effort to see them. The faces have changed over the years, but she still has a delightfully full social life now she is well into her retirement years.
In the last few years especially she has become very socially active after moving to a retirement village full of peers. It has been beautiful to watch. Even my father has branched out, joined clubs and volunteered time and has made his own social connections. I doubt I have ever seen him so socially engaged! When they aren’t at their various groups or catch up’s individually they are with other couples doing dinners and drinks.
However it wasn’t a smooth transition. My mother retired first, and she enjoyed a good few years of having the house to herself to entertain friends should she want to. She got into her own little social routine, a phone call with one on Tuesdays at 8am and a catch up with the other at the shopping mall on Mondays etc…. She had the house to herself, she had her time to herself and it worked for her.
Now I want to first acknowledge that my parents are one of the lucky few who make it to retirement still together and alive. They are blessed and I am not trying to take away from that. However being a couple for a very long time has it’s challenges too. Particularly when much of that time is spent raising children and working and living somewhat distant/separate lives…. But one day, if you are lucky enough to reach retirement age together, you will BOTH be retired.
When my dad retired things changed. He hadn’t had the years my mum had on her own to build his own routine. He retired and mum was there and so the assumption was that they would now spend their retirement “together.” My parents are not the only ones either, as it came up in general conversation the other day that another friend’s mother felt/feels similarly. Being part of a couple does not erase your individuality or your individual connections outside of the marriage. However men often don’t put as much effort into those social connections, preferring to focus on work and spending time tending to the house and family on weekends etc…..
So when the time came, and dad would ask mum “what are WE doing today” she felt a mixture of guilt and resentment. Should she have abandoned her friendships and routine to enjoy retirement with my father? Should she invite him to spend time with her friends? It’s not that she didn’t try. It’s not even that she didn’t want him there especially. It’s just that there are things you may not say (venting about your husband for example) when he is there. But more to the point, there are things your friends may not feel free to say when your partner is there.
I know from my own experience, when I have invited friends over for coffee when my husband is there, even if we are not sitting in the same room and he is otherwise occupied with his online gaming, my friend and I will be discussing something and he shouts through with his 2 cents! You can hardly tell the man not to listen or speak in his own house! But he is in my way somewhat and I know it will be an adjustment when he does retire one day! And as my father in law contemplates retirement I know my mother in law is less than enthusiastic too!
So in order to make sure your friendships don’t retire when you do (or when your spouse does!) you have to give yourself some time to find the right balance. Give the second person a chance to find their groove. Have conversations before retirement about your expectations. Make time for each other as a couple, but give each other space too, to grow your own connections and find your own hobbies. It will give you things to talk about anyway! Continue some independence as you each had before retirement and trust that time spent with others individually is healthy, not a personal rejection of your spouse. Retirement is a time to rediscover yourselves and friendships are an important part of this process. Embrace this!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
