A few weeks ago, I shared with someone a post I had written back in 2017, when although my intentions were pure, my behaviour was actually somewhat controlling in nature. That got us chatting about the concept of control in friendships and the ways we have experienced it and also displayed it in ourselves.
There are controlling people, who know exactly what they are playing at and they target people who seem easily to control, but these are not necessarily the people I am talking about today. Today I am talking more about subtle controlling antics, and hopefully, how to navigate these behaviours in yourself and your friendships. These may or may not be “controlling people” in all aspects of their life, but the chances are high that they don’t consider themselves controlling, and they would be horrified to know you thought they were either.
It is human nature to desire things a certain way, therefore it feels safe to assume we all do what we can to assure the likeliest chance at success (things turning out just the way we hoped they would.) Added to this, we are taught to believe that we do have some control of outcomes, for example, if you eat less and move more, the chances are high that you will lose weight. Or if you get good grades in school you improve your chances of having a fulfilling, well paid career later in life. And while these things are proven and true, chance always plays a big role too. It is harder to do well in school if a parent gets cancer for example, or harder to lose weight if you suffer from thyroid or gland issues or lipoedema. And all of those things come down to chance, but they do impact you more negatively. Just the same as someone else may get lucky and win a scholarship or a family member may offer them an apprenticeship they might not have had otherwise.
Because of all this, I believe in some level all of us strive for some level of control of ourselves and our lives and our outcomes, because we are all fighting chance and a future unknown. We feel less anxious when we are able to tell ourselves we did everything we could have done to influence the outcome, as we also don’t enjoy feeling regret lumped on top of disappointment if things don’t go our way.
So this post is not to crap on your friend or your friendships and call them toxic, it is to help us understand and validate that on some level this is a struggle for us all and it is something we must try to manage within ourselves.
Some of my more controlling tendencies in friendships tend to be: Being the event planner. This way I approve of the event and the time, I have checked that it suits me before taking it to the invited event goers! I can be thrown off balance if someone else invites me to an unexpected event as I do to them, because what if I want to go but it isn’t convenient for me? Added to that I am a picky eater, in that I don’t like sushi or seafood, and so I wont agree to go to a place everyone else loves, I will try and insist they cater to the minority for example. I may be unwittingly partial to emotional blackmail at times too, like letting my displeasure be known if my message is not read and replied to in an acceptable timeframe, and I can definitely be passive aggressive too. All of these things are listed as red flags for controlling friends.
I definitely don’t want or mean to be controlling, and some of these feel to me more like “honest compromises” like I know you are busy, but if I sent you a message and asked a question that needed a timely reply and you read it and didn’t get back to me, am I not allowed to be upset by that? Is it controlling to express that I am hurt or angry or frustrated? Or is it controlling to ask me not to be and just go along with however the other person wanted me to handle it? I don’t think it is always a black and white issue.
Even if the friend in question is controlling in general, they may not even realise that you feel controlled by them. And I do have to question if we allow ourselves to be controlled somewhat to avoid a confrontation at times because it is easier. I know I do. So can I blame someone for pushing their way on me when I don’t put up a fight? And is it ever a compromise? Does a compromise have to be nobody getting their way instead of just one person? Like, if I agree to travel to a friends house although I didn’t want to, because that was what they wanted, with an agreement that they would come to me next time, is that a compromise? Or is that just them insisting that we could only meet at their house and me submitting to control? Would a compromise be us both travelling half the distance although neither of us wanted to travel be a compromise? That way nobody got what they wanted and nobody is especially happy, but it was a sacrifice for both?
Some of the ways I have found friends controlling, have been correcting me when I identify myself, for example telling me as I am married to a man and am also attracted to women that this makes me bisexual, even if I don’t identify that way. Or purchasing me food or drinks when I did not request them, regardless of if I wanted them or not. Or pressuring me to buy the clothes they think I look good in even if I wasn’t so sure about them myself. The biggest way might just be expecting me to carry on with things the way they are because that is the way they have always been and my friend doesn’t want it to change, even if I do.
Some of these acts might be innocent, and well intentioned. Maybe I really did look great in that maxi dress, even though I don’t wear maxi dresses because I don’t like them. My friend was just encouraging me to break out of my comfort zone, and I felt uncomfortable and pressured, then I label it as controlling instead of just saying “No, it would be a waste of money because I know I would never wear it, maxi dresses are more your style.” The friend may continue to try and convince me I looked wonderful and I should change my mind, but I don’t have to feel pressured, I have a choice to listen and nod along and feel pressured, or to just tell them they are wasting their breath as my decision is made and moving the conversation along.
I think the issue really stems with the fact that having boundaries is uncomfortable. We don’t want confrontation unnecessarily and we don’t want rejection. So we allow ourselves to do things to keep the peace, such as buying the dress and returning it later instead of just addressing the situation head on. When we feel controlled we get defensive as a natural response and want to say “back off.” Instead we really need to push through that and have a more calm and measured approach, reacting from a place of logic instead of emotion.
Things quickly become patterns if we allow them to. So when a friend purchases me a food item I didn’t request, my first thing should be “Thank you, that was a kind gesture, but please, in future I would rather make my own choices around food.” (NOT “You shouldn’t have done that how dare you make choices for me, how controlling of you!) Next time that friend would think twice before making the same mistake, whereas if I politely accept and just think to myself that I didn’t want this, nothing will change. The friend may push, insisting that you deserved a treat even if you didn’t want one or that they wanted to surprise you, but again, all you have to repeat is that you would rather they didn’t. If the behaviour repeats, you remind them of the boundary, and next time you are together say “remember I will order for myself, please don’t order anything for me.”
Of course, you run the risk then, of your friend thinking you are being controlling! But at the end of the day, the only person we can control is ourselves, and once you master that, you will not feel controlled by anyone ever again! Thoughts?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
