This week I am drawing on a recent experience with some friends and how knowing their trauma responses helped us avoid what could have easily resulted in conflict between us. Had I not known my friends signals of distress, I may have responded inappropriately and made the stress worse and outcomes far less favourable. Neither situation actually directly involved me, and it was important in both cases not to try and involve myself. However both situations impacted me, gave rise to emotional responses and indeed triggered my own trauma response. This can be tricky to navigate when your response is opposite to that of your friend.
In the first example, my friend was driving us home after a great night out, when we were involved in a car accident. Luckily nobody was seriously hurt, however my friend had just spent a lot of money fixing her car, and it was now quite a wreck. I have always known my friend was quick to anger, and she has learned that I cannot deal with anger and is generally careful not to direct it in my direction. It did not surprise me, therefore, when my friends first reaction to the other driver was angry. She is fight on the fight, flight or freeze spectrum. As I am freeze, I stayed in the car, basically unable to move. The other driver was more of a flight response. She burst into tears, apologised and ran off to call a lifeline, crying hysterically.
I wont lie, I felt for her, I have been on the receiving end of my friend’s anger before and it isn’t a nice place to be, however I was not criticizing my friend’s response, as I was aware she could help it no more than any of us. She was annoyed and she had every right to be annoyed. I should clarify that she was angry, however not aggressive, or threatening, or demeaning. Just a fair amount of profanity and annoyance being expressed, which is fair. However I did take a moment to express concern for the other driver, that I didn’t think she was ok, and my friend tersely reminded me that she herself was not ok. It was a timely reminder that she was experiencing trauma and this was her reaction to it. I did not want to do anything to make it worse, so I delved further into my freeze and said nothing further until it came time to find our way home from the scene without a car.
When we got home, I reflected on all the ways I had not been there for my friend better to show her that I cared. I questioned if she needed me to take control of the situation instead of sitting there like a stunned mullet! I regretted expressing concern for the other driver without recognising she desperately needed my concern. I questioned if there was more she expected of me. But I quickly realised that my friend was always going to have responded angrily and that this was always going to make me uncomfortable, but there was nothing I could have done to make her respond differently and I shouldn’t expect her to. My friend was somewhat cold for the following week, interactions were terse. It was my turn to feel uncared for. When I explored that further though, I recognised my friends pattern of cool distance and space after anger, even with my offers of help and support. I concluded that it wasn’t about me, and making issue of it was not going to help matters. She was still dealing with the after affects, assessing what would happen with her car and alternative transport. She needed space to deal with this. I granted that space.
Had I made issue of her coolness towards me, or demanded more, we would have come to blows. Had I tried to take control of the situation at the time, I would have been further in her way and angered her more, and probably caused my own withdrawal. Had she not understood my own trauma response, and expected or demanded more of me, I would only have shut down further. She understood I was helpless in that situation and she knew that I would do my best to care and support her, except there was little I could do, apart from not criticize her and empathise with her position. Our understanding and patience with each other, enabled our personalities not to crash and clash as the cars had done.
In the second example, a different friend had some particularly distressing news that left her overwhelmed and anguished and distressed. We were meant to be celebrating my birthday that same day when she rang in floods of tears. She was anxious to express she had nothing to offer for my birthday, that she had plans to go to the shop that morning before our catch up and that she knew she should have done so before that morning. I could sense she was anxious that I would take this as an indication that she didn’t care about me, she had left it to the last minute and didn’t put thought into my birthday when she knew I had planned and purchased her gift months ago and booked and paid for our fancy lunch in advance for that day too. (It was a joint birthday celebration as our birthdays are only a month apart.)
My friend acknowledged it and said she had no explanation to offer. Ordinarily, had I known it was so last minute for her, I may have been hurt, but having known her for a long time and her resource management skills, it wouldn’t have surprised me particularly. We are different, and that is ok. I know she cares about me and I was touched she took the time to address this during a distressing time for her. Of course, under the circumstances none of it mattered and I offered to cancel our fancy lunch knowing I would lose the lunch and the money. It didn’t matter anymore. What she was going through was infinitely more important than me and my silly birthday. She said she needed to see me still that day and talk it out, so we still did go to lunch and I was able to offer her the support and distraction she needed that day. We knew each other well enough to put ourselves aside and show up for one another, without expectation. We knew how to love each other in her own language in that moment, despite the circumstance.
Knowing how your friend responds to trauma, and allowing space for each other to respond and process in their own way and time, without judgement or criticism is paramount in times of crisis or stress. Making allowances, letting things go, seeing the bigger picture and letting your friend be exactly who they are without judgement is key in friendships. Especially in times of stress or distress because that is all they can manage. No matter how uncomfortable it is, the stress will pass and things will get back on track in time, if you can be patient and loving and understanding while the situations at hand resolve themselves. The key is controlling yourself, not the situations or the outcomes. That, and knowing how your friend shows care and feels cared for, what he or she needs in the moment and making it more about them than you, will go a long way!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
