NOTE: I am not a qualified health professional. This piece is not a diagnostic tool, it merely suggests ways of dealing with relationship issues more sensitively if you suspect yourself or your friend may suffer from BPD. Professional therapy for guidance, help and support is recommended.
A lot of people may proclaim that their best friend is indeed their favourite person. It is meant as a term of endearment and is filled with warm sentiments regarding the importance of your best friend in your life. Sometimes though, if your best friend uses this term to describe you, it might be wise to dig a little deeper. People with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) have a strong tendency to form unhealthy dependency on one particular person in their life, clinically referred to as their favourite person. The afflicted individual may or may not realise that they have BPD.
Many people have a misguided belief that a favourite person is always a romantic partner. While this is often the case, it is certainly not exclusively true. It can be a best friend, a teacher, a parent or family member, or even an acquaintance in some extreme instances. A person with BPD doesn’t choose favourite people, usually something their favourite person did or said triggers an intense emotional response in them, which causes an immediate attachment response. As people with BPD typically have felt alone and or unsafe in their childhood, if they encounter someone who creates a feeling of safety, protection, interest or care, they have a tendency to hold onto that person and that perceived safety with everything they have.
This can cause people to pull away from them, which is probably a healthy response, although it will trigger past trauma and be very painful for the sufferer. Sometimes, however, initially it feels like a symbiotic pairing, and an intense friendship quickly ensues. People suffering BPD are described as adult children, seeking a caregiver or parental figure. They don’t feel competent to take care of themselves, physically or emotionally, and so come to depend on favourite people to care for them, offer advice, and emotionally regulate them. Typically the person without BPD can feel that something is off, although it can be hard to explain exactly what it is. Any signs of disengagement is typically met with tantrums and other attention seeking behaviour. One person says best friend, and the other feels almost like a prisoner in the friendship. They can quickly become exhausted. They never signed up to be responsible for their friends care.
Signs to look out for include an intense need for time and attention, followed by accusations, threats of self harm or destructive behaviours and explosive anger when this need is not met. The smallest triggers can trigger intense feelings of rejection and fear. For example if you answer your phone in the middle of them speaking, they may interpret this to mean that they are unimportant to you and that you are bound to leave them. They feel they have been abandoned as children, and therefor struggle to trust that you will not also abandon them. If you happen to be of the same gender, whether or not that person is LGBTIQ, both of you may begin to question their feelings for you, as it can feel like they are in love with you. The truth is, they are somewhat addicted to you, which is entirely different. It is confusing for everyone.
That does not mean the relationships cannot last, although they seldom do. If you suspect you or your friend may be suffering from BPD favourite person syndrome, there are things you can do to better manage the situation, if you genuinely care for each other and want to make it work. The first thing is to be very clear with your communication. If you are expecting a phone call, for example, tell them in advance, and explain that you will have to answer it, and why it is important, and acknowledge that you are telling them because you know they find this behaviour upsetting.
Set boundaries as schedules almost. If you know you will not be available to talk to them on a certain day, communicate to them clearly that they will not hear from you on those days or communicate that you will be available for communication on a certain day or time. It will be important to stick to this however as with most people, inconsistencies between words and actions can induce a level of insecurity. As the person with BPD already lives with crippling insecurity their tolerance for this is already below zero. As they care about you more than they care about themselves, they desperately need you to care about them. Not caring, or abandoning is a fate worse than death and when triggered they can be impulsive and reckless. If you think of this like an addiction, you not being available to them when they need a hit, will throw them into withdrawal. This doesn’t mean you need to always be available, but you need to be clear and consistent with when you will be available. As exhausting as this is for you, remember it is exhausting for them too.
The next thing you can do is help them help themselves. Ensure they have a network outside of just you. Remind and congratulate any efforts to be more self sufficient. Believe in them as they do not believe in themselves. Help them regulate their emotions. If they are upset with you for some small slight that has let them down, repeat back to them what it is that they are feeling and acknowledge that they felt uncared for when you did whatever it was, then reassure them that you do infact care for them. Do not protect them from caring for you. Explain to them that you feel exhausted by their constant need of you and ask them to show you that they care by allowing you not to be perfect with compassion and understanding. If you tell them you will always do your best to answer their messages, and then actually do so, you need to also explain that if they care for you and they want you to be ok, they cannot continue to interpret every unanswered message as abandonment and they must consider the other demands on your time and attention. That they must trust you, as hard as they find that, and learn to tolerate some space and silence or they will push you away.
Lastly, encourage them to seek therapy, and research BPD. Learn to understand your friend, their triggers and the fears and trauma they are dealing with. This will help you with compassion, not to mention that knowledge is power. People suffering BPD make loving and loyal friends, they will go above and beyond for people they care about, are generally highly empathetic, and supportive. All they want in return is the same, and someone they can rely upon. They cannot force you to give more than you have to give, they just have to learn that sometimes giving, and receiving, less is more.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
