Ok, so the week before my GALentines/PALentines post, we touched on the friendzone. In that post, I said that there was no escaping this, and that stands true. So how can this post be about getting out of the friendzone if it is not possible? Am I about to contradict myself and offer you some false hope? Unfortunately, no, I am not.
This post is about removing yourself from the friendzone rather than escaping it. At first glance, these 2 things sound remarkably similar, don’t they? However, on further investigation they are actually quite different.
If you were drawn to this article, I have it on pretty good authority that you currently live in your own torturous hell of wondering if your friend likes you romantically in the ways you like them. You might be high on a cocktail of hope and despair, or even making up lies we tell ourselves to fuel the hope. These lies include telling yourself that your friend is just scared to admit they have feelings for you, or that they aren’t ready for a relationship just yet, but when they are, you will be up for consideration and being a great friend until then will increase your chances.
All this does is exchange a dream of future happiness that is unlikely to eventuate, for happiness you could be experiencing right now. And that is the difference between removing yourself from the friendzone and escaping it. Removing yourself entails letting go of the fantasy that one day you and your friend will end up together, and accepting that you won’t. The odds aren’t in your favour and your life isn’t a rom com. Sorry.
I know you think you CAN’T let go. If only your pesky feelings would go away, then maybe you could move on? But in reality, you can let go, you just don’t want to. You have idolised this person and romanticised your friendship so much that anything less than the amazing bond you share with your friend just wouldn’t be as exciting or intense. Do you know why? Because fantasy is always better than reality. But we can’t live there.
So, then, HOW do you let go? It won’t be easy. I know that. But it will be worth it, and you might be able to maintain the friendship too, if you are committed enough to letting the feelings go. What you have to do, is take all that amazing love you have about your friend, and how amazing it would be if they loved you back, and start loving yourself that way. Catch your thoughts. When you think thoughts like “Her hair is amazing” redirect yourself to remind yourself what you love about you. When you feel butterflies at his touch, remind yourself how much you want to feel those things with someone who is just as excited about you in return.
This repeated action should cure your affliction for your friend without tarnishing your relationship. It doesn’t ask you to focus on the negatives, but simply to remind yourself that you are awesome too and deserve someone who notices that and does not leave you guessing.
Sometimes in order to fully let go, you might have to disclose your feelings to your friend, as a way to release them or as a way to hear the painful truth and put all hope to rest. Sometimes you may need to take space from them to hurt. Sometimes you may part ways. But it doesn’t have to be that way if you just redirect your thoughts away from your friend. And as soon as you do, I bet you will notice all the other potentially wonderful and available people out there who could be right for you.
Currently you are closing yourself to any potential and it is making YOU unavailable. Try not to judge your friend for not having feelings and definitely don’t blame yourself either. At some point a friend of yours may one day have feelings for you too that you don’t reciprocate, so handle yourself with as much grace as you would hope if you had to let a friend down romantically.
If you find yourself spiralling into dak thoughts like “I am too fat, nobody will love me” those are just your insecurities challenging you. You can take some time to work on yourself if you think you could lose a bit of weight. Not because someone else will like you better, but because you will like you better. Not to mention that the better you look and feel, the higher quality of mate you might attract too.
At the end of the day, you actually put yourself in the friendzone by refusing to let go of hope that your friendship will be more than it is, and you have the ability to remove yourself too. Letting go will hurt. It will. I know it will. But that hurt will end. It will. I know it will. If you stay where you are, it wont end, and that will be your choice.
I know there are many reasons we choose to stay in the friendzone or use it as an escape from reality, and that is fine if it is an informed choice and you are not playing the victim and hurting yourself. But if you are, then it’s time to remove yourself instead of staying stuck.
Remember, the reason fantasy is better than reality, is because it isn’t real. You will never wake up in the arms of a fantasy. So reality is better, even though that doesn’t always feel true. Feelings aren’t facts. Facts are facts.
I wish you strength whatever path you travel, because either way, you’re going to need it my friend!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
