Well readers, most of my loyal fans and followers found this site when they went through a friendship break up, dumping or ghosting. So I hope it helps to know you are not alone. However, what would help more perhaps, was some tips on coping and surviving this unique heartbreak.
I don’t want to mislead you into thinking any of this will be easy… it won’t be. It will take work, you will fall off the healing wagon at times and take as many backwards steps as forwards ones initially…. But as time goes on, and your heart slowly heals, you will start making so much progress you barely notice any more. I know that is hard to believe right now.
And that is ok, because the first step is the most natural one. Allow yourself to be sad. Don’t tell yourself it is silly or stop yourself from talking about this or it will weigh on you longer and fester. Let it all out. Find a trusted person to talk to or even a therapist and listen to your heart as it bleeds out the pain. Talk about how betrayed you feel, how angry, hurt, sad and confused you are.
It will be hard not to dwell on what happened or why, and accept that you may never know why. Try to refrain from blaming yourself. If you had said or done something to upset or hurt your friend, and they wanted you to fix the issue, they could have brought it up with you. At this point it was their choice not to. And you have to respect that this is their choice to make and their boundary to draw, even if you don’t understand why.
Of course, you may have been the one to instigate the break, or maybe it was mutual. This advice still stands for you as I know it still hurts just as much. It’s just that you are less likely to get hung up on the why’s, as you probably have a fair idea already. And when you don’t know why, it is easier to hate and blame yourself.
Either way this is unproductive. It doesn’t matter why, because if they wanted you to apologise or fix it or be better, they would have offered you that opportunity. As they haven’t, all you can do is know you would have tried, if you’d understood the problem, and accept they didn’t want to try. You can’t control this, but it can help you stop blaming yourself. It is ok to be angry about this and feel it is unjust!
That said, as you explore these issues, if you do contemplate things you may have said or done, or didn’t say and do, that may have contributed to the split, be open to exploring those, and using them as tools to reflect on how to be better in the future. Not being defensive and justifying those actions, but thinking of ways you could handle things differently in the future. You weren’t perfect, nobody is, so if there are things you could work on, it makes sense to try, so you don’t end up in this predicament again!
Once you feel you have talked it out (preferably to impartial persons not common friends as this puts them in a very uncomfortable and difficult position) start focussing on your health. Redirect your thoughts away from them as much as possible and onto yourself. How to look after yourself, be that exercise more, eat healthily, have more time with your family, rest more, and do more things you enjoy. It is important to start feeling good about yourself again, before you embark on the next step.
Which is putting yourself back out there and getting social again with other people. New friends, old friends, family friends. It is ok to start smiling again and realising that you are going to be ok. You can have fun and friendships still, and you will be happy, one day at a time. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, you will think about this person less, and it won’t hurt anymore when you do think of them.
Which is when you know you have reached the final stage. This involves acceptance and forgiveness. This means you have reached a point where you understand their choice was about themselves and not yourself. That although you think you would have handled things differently, you know that this was their capacity, and you forgive them for not being better.
It doesn’t mean running into them won’t sting, or that you will be able to be mature and say hello. I hope you can, however, pretending you didn’t see each other to keep the peace is acceptable too. What it means, is that you no longer feel a need for answers, that if you hear about them through mutual friends, you feel happy for them, or nothing much at all, and you just think of them as someone you used to know.
The most important thing, apart from not blaming yourself, is to not involve mutual friends. Especially if you want to hold on to those connections. People instinctively want to stay out of these sorts of drama’s that aren’t their business and will pull away from anyone who tries to drag them into it. Similarly, they will not appreciate feeling pressured to take sides. So if you do happen to have a wide network of extended friends, then the best you can do is to tell them that you and your ex friend are not on good terms right now, so you would appreciate that topic of conversation being avoided, and that you respect their connection with the other person. This is applicable no matter which party you are. Neither should rally the troops against the other.
If it happened to be a group friendship… prepare yourself for the trips or nights out that don’t include you on social media. Unfollow anyone posting that stuff and refrain from looking it up yourself. It will only hurt you. The mature approach is to remind yourself that of course these friends will still catch up, and it is best for everyone that you both aren’t there. But there is no reason you can’t coordinate your own get togethers without them either. If the group are interested in maintaining both friendships, this shouldn’t be a problem. If they aren’t, then you have your answer and you move on quietly with your dignity intact!
I will close this post the same way I opened it. You are not alone. It is hard to talk about friendship endings as there is no real language, but it hurts and your feelings are still valid. The reason this blog exists is because I have been through it. So I know you will get through it too, even though I know you will have times that you don’t know how this could be true!
If you’re going through this right now, I truly am sorry. Whatever age or stage of life you are in, this happens to the best of us. There is no way to know if you will ever be friends again, but just know you will be ok whatever happens in the end.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
