I can’t quite believe it is February already, when and how did this happen? I am still getting used to the idea that it is 2023 and yet here we are rolling into February. I am lucky enough to have found my perfect match and as such I have someone to celebrate Valentines with. Or not. Because it isn’t really a big deal, particularly when you have been together nearly 15 years. But I remember it seemed like a big deal, when I did not have someone to share it with.
If you are single this February, you might be feeling alone, lonely or like the only single person still alive. The older you are, the truer this feels, although on this particular day, nobody is excluded from the acute awareness of their non partnered status. As I have single friends, I know some of them still feel this pain to this day. That is part of the reason celebrating GAL-entines day became important to me. Because it offers inclusion for those feeling a bit lonely, it offers love and care, even if it is of the platonic variety. That still matters. Nobody wants to feel unloved.
But being totally alone, is probably better than being an almost. I have been an almost many many times before I met my husband, and I have had unrequited feelings for friends of mine almost my whole life, being more queer than my hetero friends. So, despite my current status, I definitely know the pain and anguish of the friendzone.
The over thinking every sentence, every gesture, every look. Hoping to see reciprocation. Waiting for them to realise they were in love with you all along. Wondering if they secretly feel it too but are too frightened to say so for some reason. Feeling elated at every flirtatious laugh or comment and deflated at every ignored text or discussions about people they do have feelings for. It is a torture, partly of your own making.
You could tell them of course, and many do. Sometimes it makes things awkward, and you have to accept point blank that they do not feel the same way. Sometimes the ambiguity fuels them and things ger more confusing. Sometimes you part ways. But at least you are not tortured anymore by thinking about what could’ve been when in reality it was what could never be at all? Asking them if they feel the same way is sometimes the only way out of the situation, although often not in the ways you had hoped.
Is there ever a way out of the friendzone? Not usually. If someone doesn’t think of you that way or feel attracted to you, for whatever reason, it wont change. If you watch shows like Married at First Sight and other dating type reality shows, you will see a pretty big percentage of them who say that first time they lay eyes on their partner that “they weren’t what they expected or hoped for, or weren’t their usual type…” that the feelings almost never develop. The most they can be is friends.
So while there isn’t really a way out of the friendzone, if you find yourself there quite a lot, it might be time to ask yourself why that is. Not because there is something inherently wrong or undesirable about you, but because there is certainly a way to avoid being in the friendzone to begin with. And that is to not pretend you only want to be friends with people you want more with.
Say you meet someone on a dating website and you are really into them and hope to form a relationship and they say “I like to take things slow, can we get to know each other as friends first?” You can be upfront then and there, no matter how attracted you are to them and say “I am happy to take things slow, however I don’t want to be just friends, I would like to date you romantically, and if you aren’t open to that then I’ll have to pass.”
Alternatively, are you friend zoning yourself? For example if you have met someone on an app and you are talking, are you being flirty or friendly? When you meet up, are you intentional about your body language or passive? Do you wait for them to kiss you at the end of the date, or go in for the kiss yourself? I know this is scary territory, especially if you feel insecure or worry secretly that this person is out of your league, but if you have not given them any indication that you are interested in more than friends, maybe they assumed you weren’t
Sometimes you might end up in this situation as a defence mechanism, always attracted to someone unavailable to avoid putting yourself out there and facing possible rejection, and other times perhaps it is because in reality you are also unavailable in your life in some way, and this way you don’t have to make room for someone?
Lastly it can be because the fantasy of someone is better than the reality and somewhere deep down you know you like the idea of them, the fantasy of what you have more than the reality. It is one thing to daydream about your best friend and the connection you have with them, but quite another to actually be with them and deal with their crazy!
My advice is not to become friends with people you find attractive and not to play with any feelings of attractions that may arise once you are already friends if this hits you by surprise unless you are pretty certain they feel the same way. The Nickelback song don’t ever let it end comes to mind. “I know she feels the same way, because she told me drunk on her birthday… but I’m tired of pretending yet I’m terrified of it ending We can laugh as we both pretend, that we’re not in love and we’re just good friends…”
Most of the time we friendzone ourselves, by agreeing to less than we wanted to begin with, by not being clear about what we felt early on, or by selecting people who will by default be unavailable like me with my penchant for straight women or women who always seem to be in love with the handsome married doctor, or the larger, average man who will only date supermodel women for example.) Or simply by idolising people who are good friends and not recognising that this doesn’t always translate into being a good partner or being romantically compatible.
If you are in the friendzone this Valentines day, I have one piece of good news for you. GALentines (or PAL-entines for more inclusion) is my next post, the event falls on 13 Feb, and that is your chance to show your true feelings with a Rose, maybe don’t go for yellow! Be Bold, go Red or go home!
Tune in next week for GAL or PAL-entines post!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
STOP!!!