In January my husband and I took the kids on a 10 day pacific cruise. It was wonderful and relaxing and exciting after all those years of cancelled cruises. For some people, cruising life is just too slow. But that is one of the things I enjoy about it! Lounging around, no commitments and no chores. Just worrying about where to eat. I was going to say when to eat, but you’re always eating on a cruise! Haha
We did however, fork out for the internet so we could keep up with the people at home. My mother is also an avid cruiser and she liked to hear about our daily adventures and see pictures. The kids could also keep in touch with their friends, and game with them, or watch their precious influencer videos! My husband could keep downloading endless books to read, or new phone games like suduko so he could win the morning challenge! Lol
So it’s a way to disconnect, while staying somewhat connected. I heard from the people I expected to hear from, while others were happy to wait for our return or just to like the pics on Facebook. However, towards the end of the cruise, I received a touching message from a close friend that simply said “I miss you.” It surprised me, if I am honest, and although touching, I didn’t quite know what to say. We were only gone for 2 weeks and I had been keeping in touch here and there….
Before I responded I paused to give thought to my friend and what might be going on for her. To be completely honest, my first thought was that this friend and I used to spend practically all the school holidays together. And while I always appreciated the support of my friend helping me entertain the children, especially when she does not have children of her own, it never occurred to me that I was also helping her in some way.
My friend is a teacher, and most of her work friends do have children. Many of them go away over the school holidays or socialise with each other and their kids. Most of my other friends work during the day including over the school holidays. So my friend never had to be lonely in the school holidays after she met me. It was mutually convenient and fulfilling. However, as the kids started to grow up, and as my friend had more nieces and nephews of her own, our time together over the holidays became less and less. Then my friend’s mother moved in with her and they bought a campervan and spent the holidays doing that.
I wont lie, the loss of my friend over the holidays, combined with the kids growing up and not wanting to do the fun things left me feeling lonely and unmotivated. Stuck in the house, I could have used that time to spring clean or organise, but the loneliness and quiet had me ruminating and then distracting myself with Netflix and snacks. I missed my friend terribly, but it never occurred to me to reach out and say so. I assumed she knew, as it came up often in conversation that I struggled over the holidays now. Maybe she never put 2 and 2 together and figured out that I no longer had a support system or someone there to make me feel less alone. And maybe she thought as the kids were older I no longer needed her.
This was probably the first time in years that I was the unavailable one while my friend sat around missing me! And it was kinda nice to know that she did miss me, even if the underlying fear was that it was only because she was bored and typically uses me as a last resort to overcome that issue. I told her it was nice to hear that I was missed, but asked her what was really going on, because she’s not the sentimental type. She said she didn’t really know, as she had heaps to do, but no motivation to do it.
It has long been a bug bear of mine that friends invite me to assist them organise their lives. Come and help me sort paperwork for my taxes, come and have a coffee while I do the ironing, come to the shops with me while I run some errands. I am someone who enjoys quality time, which I don’t tend to feel goes hand in hand with distractions by other things that do not need assistance by me. Nor supervision. I could be at home doing my own chores and errands, and I don’t ask you to come and sit with me while I do them…. That said, I don’t really do them, which is maybe my whole point.
Sometimes just having company, feeling less alone, motivates us to do the things we need to do, and makes them feel more bearable. If I was available, I probably could have gone to my friends house to assist her prepare for the return of school, making labels and classroom decorations. I could have helped her set up the room, went with her to buy supplies or made helpful suggestions. But without someone there to connect with, to help and to take an interest, or even just be there, my friend lacked motivation to do much at all.
And I am probably just the same. I don’t like the idea of inviting friends to help me organise the house, as I would much rather go out to the cinemas and lunch and avoid it altogether. Which doesn’t upset me as a messy house is just where I appear to feel comfortable. Whereas others cannot relax until it is done. I used to wonder if they never had thoughts and ruminations, but of course they do. Housework is either a distraction from it or something to do mindlessly while they ruminate. And having someone there is an effective strategy to stop this rumination. And I used it in the school holidays.
Planning outings for the kids and my friends everyday, made sure we were all connected, entertained and having a good time. But ever since my friend had kinda stopped hanging out with us on the holidays I lost motivation to do much at all. Which is fine with the kids, but it is insightful none the less. We need to feel connected to feel motivated. Loneliness and isolation prevent us from doing the things we need to do for ourselves and keep us focussed on those low feelings.
My friend and I discussed this and I told her I had been missing her on the holidays for years now, and it was nice to know she felt the same, but my missing her, and her missing me, wasn’t about the other person at all, it was deeper than that, it was about feeling safe and seen and connected and therefore motivated enough to do the things we each needed to do.
As I write this it is currently school holidays and my friend is away this time and I am at home and I am aware enough to know it isn’t her I miss. It’s the old times, the memories, and the motivation to get out and do fun stuff. Not that I have time to miss her this week anyway as I am babysitting her kitten and our own cat is not too pleased about this development so the kids and I are plenty motivated to referee the cat wars! So next time you are lacking motivation, ask yourself if it is time to phone a friend. Connection may be the key!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
