The more people I speak to, the more obvious it appears to me that many of us feel the biggest benefit of friendship is having someone, or someones to call on in our times of need. I’ll never forget the friend who described her idea of friendship to me as other nice mums who do things for each other. I have mentioned here before that I am not brilliant at acts of service as a love language and that is probably why that person and I parted ways eventually.
I think one of the reasons that I don’t value acts of service as much is because I don’t ask for too many. From friends especially! I can hear my mum making a mental list of all the favours I have indeed asked my parents for over the years. Thank you mum! I do appreciate it and am prepared to acknowledge all the help I have asked for and at times ungraciously accepted. Lol Maybe it is because I don’t work, but even in my working years I don’t feel I asked for a great deal of help! Although to be fair, I didn’t have kids then.
I can’t say why I haven’t needed much help. I wouldn’t describe myself as fiercely independent – I live pretty comfortably and happily off my husbands wage, and wouldn’t know how to fix a tyre or anything that involves tools. Maybe I am just fortunate that I have lived a fairly low profile and stable life. I haven’t moved around heaps, haven’t had to juggle motherhood and working, and have had parents in a position to assist me pretty much whenever I do need something.
But I tend to have attracted more chaotic friends, like the one mentioned above. The kind who has unstable relationships, tends to move house a lot, have financial difficulties or emotional struggles or are single working mothers who justifiably just can’t do it all alone and don’t have a strong support network outside of their friendship group.
Because I have attracted (or been attracted to) these sorts of people, there have been many favours asked of me, that have sometimes left a sour taste in my mouth. A few too many requests to watch their kids when I don’t need them to watch mine. Or a few too many requests for acts of service leaving me feeling exhausted while my requests for quality time go denied because nobody in chaos really has time for that perhaps!
But I think what realised as I was writing last weeks post about friendships and connection being motivating, was that favours are important to friendships, as long as you are getting and receiving in equal measure, your motivations aren’t questionable and you do feel like you work well as part of a team.
Last week I mentioned I was petsitting for my friends kitten. A task I was more than happy to volunteer for as I adore her kitten and have contemplated getting another one, so that was like a little trial to see how our current cat would adjust. The results are still out on that, perhaps a week wasn’t long enough… or perhaps I just can’t accept that the answer is that possum only thrives in a single cat household! However, that is also the same friend who installed a new tap for me a few weeks ago when she was over and my current tap just suddenly stopped working. I didn’t ask her to fix it, just as she didn’t ask me to pet sit. We just each said “let me help.”
Despite the fact that my friend is wonderful with kids, and great with my own kids, I have only ever asked her to babysit a handful of times because I feel others exploit her willingness and don’t include her in the adult fun. So instead of asking her to watch the kids when we go out, we ask her to come with us where we are going. And when she asks me to come do errands with her or whatever, she always makes sure it is even with quality time doing something fun and rewarding. As it is naturally reciprocal it works.
Nobody asks for too much, and each of us know the limits of the other. So while I still don’t agree that friendships are based upon favours, I do see how it can be a benefit of friendship without being friends with benefits! Haha I think the favours should be the result of the friendship though, not the reason.
I am certainly not friends with this person because she has the ability, time and willingness to fix my sink, that was just an added bonus. Nor is she exclusively friends with me for any favours I do for her. The main reason we are friends is because we enjoy spending time together, and I actually don’t think she has too many friends like that. Similar to me, I think she attracts many friends who believe that favours are the purpose of friendship and likely take way more than they give or offer.
My friend and I are probably drawn to these people for mental health reasons like needing to feel needed or having a hero/saviour complex etc…. It isn’t a coincidence that we each attract others like this into our orbit. However the reason we are close is because neither asks, expects or takes too much from the other. Neither one of us holds the ideal that receiving favours or giving them is a core of friendship, but rather being a team and doing what it takes along the way, within reason.
If you happen to be like many of my friends who are in a position to ask a little more than they would like (and I do understand nobody loves asking or leaning on others) then make sure you know what your friends love language is and that you are giving them that in equal measure. Because if your friend is like me, telling yourself you would repay the favour if they asked isn’t enough. If they don’t need acts of service, what do they need and how can you provide it?
Favours are not the fabric of friendship, even if they are a pretty design on the fabric. Any friendships built with the fabric of favours will disintegrate as soon as your needs change. Please keep in mind friendship is the benefit of friends, and favours are a limited bonus.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
