Is it possible to start over with a friend? We know there is no rewind button, no pause and no fast forward to skip the ugly or hard parts. But once you reach troubled water, is there any way to be better? I am not necessarily talking about when you have fallen out, although that would be a chance for a reset, but I mean when you have decided something about your dynamic no longer serves you, and you want to change it…. Is this possible?
It would be naïve to say that this would be totally easy, because much like other areas of our lives…. We sometimes run our relationships on autopilot. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. And bad behaviours are hard to change. So, without commitment from both people, and even with it, changes can be hard to commit to. It is so easy to slip back into bad habits. Just like a diet!
What would be reasons or examples you want to reset boundaries I hear you asking?
You used to talk on the phone everyday for hours, but for whatever reason, you no longer want to talk as frequently or for as long.
You used to have traditions that you no longer want to participate in, or follow.
One of you used to pay for things more often and you want to make it more equal.
One of you always drives and no longer wants that responsibility.
You used to engage with each other’s family, but that no longer feels comfortable or appropriate.
One of you tends to always initiate plans or make the first contact and it has started to feel one sided.
You tend to engage in unhealthy habits together and one of you is trying to get healthier.
Those are just a few examples that came to mind, but I am sure there are many more! These things sound easy to change, in theory, but in practise, they aren’t always. Particularly if one of you is resistant to this change. If you are trying to drink less, for example, but you and a certain friends have always had a social drink, and your friend is happy with this arrangement, you may find that they aren’t all that interested in supporting the change. So you might find yourself agreeing to go along to the bar anyway and having a non alcoholic drink, but you don’t seem to enjoy it anymore. You may even find that your friend pressures you to just have a drink with them, even if you only have one. This is a slippery slope, right?
You want to hold on to your friendship, but what if the things that were keeping you together are actually unhealthy for one or both of you? Lets use the phone calls as a lesser example. If you stop calling or answering the calls, will your connection dwindle due to the lack of contact? The chances are that it will, yes, and one of you will feel the loss a lot more than the other. For one of you, or both of you, it may start to feel like you aren’t really even friends at all anymore and this is the beginning of the end…
I know I have had friendships that went through big shifts like this. Some of them made it and some of them didn’t. But even the ones that did make it, the closeness is gone for me, even if the friendship is not, and quite often the friend in question still believes we are close. It’s not necessarily that we aren’t. I may still be able to tell that person anything and everything, but they just don’t make time or space to listen to me anymore, so I don’t bother trying to tell them. This is an error on both our parts. One should not assume we are close if I am no longer talking to you the way I was, but I should also not assume my friend doesn’t want to hear me either. The problem is perhaps that neither of us has adjusted to the change even if we have both accepted it. My friend doesn’t realise I don’t feel like they have time to talk to me and I don’t realise they feel like I stopped sharing as punishment for the change.
But of course, this is a normal part of life, of friendships ebbing and flowing and changing, stretching and evolving over time. I’m not saying everything like this even needs to be addressed or changed. Maybe they don’t and that’s the actual answer right there.
But when these changes are facing us, they do have a tendency to seem more pressing, and of course we wish to maintain friendships as much as possible, while making whatever changes we feel are right for us. That expectation isn’t always realistic, because whatever feels right for us may not feel right for our friend. Essentially you have to honour your own boundaries, regardless of what makes your friend happy.
However, this is easier said than done. If your friend just assumes you will drive, you will have to ask them to take their car. Making an excuse may work the first time or 2, however it’s unlikely your friend wont start to get suspicious and ask questions, and you will usually end up in an awkward conversation about how you always drive and you would like to change that. It is a small silly thing, but you still may encounter resistance. Are you willing to negotiate? Why doesn’t your friend drive? Would you be willing to drive if they paid you fuel money? Are they always drinking? How do you feel about sharing an uber or taxi? What if your friend can’t see well at night, are you prepared to drive at night and let them do the day shift?
Small changes often have knock on effects you see, and become bigger issues than they need to be. You might find your friend would rather not go out if it is going to cost them fuel money etc… suddenly the outing is no longer worth it to them. So you feel annoyed and used and like you were only ever their free ride. Instead of suggesting that you just hang at home instead so neither of you have the expense, or if you meet there, you might have rigid ideas about how this issue could be resolved in a satisfactory manner, and an unwillingness to compromise could cost your friendship.
We need to remember that friendship is a team effort and that we always need to try and stay on the same team even while making changes. This means a willingness to discuss the issue, and a willingness to compromise on outcomes too.
Going back to the phone call example, just never talking to your friend on the phone again probably isn’t a viable solution if that was your mode of connection, and you wish to preserve the friendship. Suddenly not answering the phone will feel like a ghosting and denying that there is an issue is unkind. So a conversation needs to be had, and it needs to be honest and considerate in equal measure. Such as telling Suzie that you have really valued your phone conversations over the years and how much you appreciate that she always makes the effort to call. But that you’re struggling to make time for it as often now, and sometimes catch yourself feeling resentful when you are on the phone for hours and don’t get whatever it was you needed to do done and then are late to bed etc…. Or whatever the issue is. Then ask her for ways she thinks you could maintain your friendship in meaningful ways without the daily calls. You need to know what you’re comfortable with. Can you accommodate a weekly call at a mutually convenient time? Or can you suggest a dinner instead? The idea is to let Suzie know the connection is still important to you, and you still want to talk to her, just not in the current manner.
It may still be hard for Suzie to accept. Maybe you were the only person she talked to each day and having that phone call helped her feel less alone. Or maybe having you to vent to each day had become a coping mechanism. It’s still ok for you to make changes if this doesn’t work for you, but if you can be understanding and compassionate about why the calls may have been important to her, and still work towards compromising to meet her need, the change should be easier to implement.
Sometimes you have success. But in my experience, it is rare. You may stick to new boundaries initially, but find that Suzie calls a few days in a row after her mum goes into hospital. Then you make allowances because it is s stressful time and you want to be a good friend. Then she keeps calling because she is stressed during her mother’s recovery, but before long, her mum has recovered and you once again feel stuck and resentful about the calls having slipped back into your life. The other way it might go is that Suzie now feels her conversation is bothersome. She feels insulted and like you actually don’t want to talk to her. She misses her weekly call and is hurt when you fail to notice. She takes it as a sign that your friendship is over and quietly withdraws. You have no idea that you and Suzie aren’t really friends anymore, while Suzie quietly moves on with her life and finds people that do have time for her calls.
It isn’t easy dear readers, to set new boundaries. It isn’t impossible, but there is no remote with a reset button, and we can’t control other people or the outcomes. So do and say what you need to do and say for yourself and see what happens. I can’t guarantee that the friendship will survive or feel as meaningful as it does now.
What I can do is advise you to be mindful of the patterns you set with people, and if they will always be sustainable to you. Of course it isn’t always easy to predict. Maybe you didn’t know you were about to get pregnant or maybe you thought you’d be single forever and then you met someone. But the patterns you set fit this current version of you, and if you want the friendship to fit all the versions you will become, try not to over commit to doing things a certain way… be mindful of your patterns and behaviours, be honest when change arises, and be accommodating and understanding. And as much as possible, start as you plan to continue!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
