We have all heard the expression “friends are the family that you choose for yourself.” If you are a regular reader of mine you may already know that I am not a huge fan of this expression, because in my experience there is a pretty clear line between friends and family, and no matter how close you might be to someone, family will always kinda trump friendship. Added to which, the relationships are of a different nature and sometimes the fact that friendships are somewhat less invested and intertwined with who we are as people, is actually part of their value.
But that isn’t really what I am trying to talk about today. What I am getting at is when a friend gets a little too close for comfort to your family for your liking. Maybe a female friend is a little too flirty with your brother, or you find out your friend and your cousin have been hanging out without telling you. Sometimes your friend might even attach themselves to your parents, and it can be hard to put your finger on exactly why it makes you uncomfortable.
Are you being possessive or jealous? Your family are great people, and you love them. Your friend is a great person who you also love. So why should this be an issue?
Most of the time, if we are honest, it is because we assume deep down that these relationships are central to ourselves and therefore that any conversation is naturally about us. Who we are with family tends to be quite different to who we are with friends. Or maybe that isn’t it, maybe you are exactly the same person to your friend as you are to your family, yet there is still unease. You know that your friend has their own life and things to discuss, but perhaps you can’t shake the feeling that one or both have an agenda to discuss you?
And it is pretty normal not to want your friends to know certain things that your family does. Like how you were an avid tuba player in the seventh grade, until you tripped during marching practise and split your lip. Or how you ended up living with your parents again at 30 after a messy divorce. Even if your friend already knows these things, we tend to like to control the narrative.
Not to mention that boundaries can get blurred. If you fall out with your friend, you don’t want to visit your mother and find them at the kitchen table asking for advice, and similarly you don’t want your friend getting messed up in family disputes and dramas either. A friend of mine recently relayed a story about a friend who wrote to her mother to “dob” on her when they had a tiff, and disclosed other information that my friend had never intended her mother to know. This caused a lot of unnecessary drama for my friend and her mother and did nothing to assist in the repair of the friendship.
In the end the friendship was never repaired, because trust could never be rebuilt, and yet the friend continues to send my friends mother a yearly Christmas card with a letter. My friend has long since stopped asking her mother what these letters say, but still feels somewhat violated by the ongoing intrusion into her circle and her world. When you cut ties with someone, you really don’t want to see them at the family gathering or hear about their annual update. Or hear about them at all, really.
There are people in my own life who come up from time to time, although they are no longer in my life, because our families keep in touch. And even that can feel awkward as you feign interest about the other person and feel pretty confident that they would also prefer not to entertain polite conversation about you and what’s happening in your life either.
Recently in my own life, I met an association of a friends husband’s brother at said husband’s 50th birthday party. I really enjoyed conversation with this person and could have talked to her all day. She disclosed that she had written a book, about a topic that a close friend of mine is struggling with. As it happened I had already read a different book on the subject to support my friend, and I found it interesting enough that I immediately promised this lady I was going to read her book. I did, and I did enjoy it.
The conundrum comes when I thought about reaching out to the author to tell her how much I enjoyed the book. Something stops me. Something tells me that this might be a violation of an invisible boundary that exists… that it isn’t my place to form connections with my friends inlaws. That potentially things could get messy, boundaries could get blurred and it is important to show my loyalty to my friend. (For context, the relationship with the inlaws hasn’t always been smooth sailing.)
That said, this particular friend and I have a laugh that my own mother appears to be her biggest fan on social media and is often the first to like and comment on her posts! This doesn’t worry me, I have no fears that they are gossiping about me behind my back or that loyalties are at stake. Similarly I have heard stories of people who were thrilled when their bestie married their brother and they became sisters in law! But if the situation makes you uneasy, I would encourage you to explore why that is, and gently try to discourage either party getting too attached to the other.
Nobody wants to feel like they are competing for their friends with their family, or worse, competing for their family with their friends. They are a separate category of relationships for a reason and I still tend to believe this is for the best!
What are your thoughts and experiences with this?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
