In the last few weeks I talked about personality types and love languages and how to be a better friend to your friends based on their needs. We touched on the fact that a person’s love languages often stem from their unmet needs. For example a person who feels isolated or like they struggle to hold people’s attention might feel loved through quality time, whereas a person who is so busy they hardly have time to scratch themselves might value acts of service.
It honestly makes sense, but things change, don’t they? People change, circumstances change. It’s possible you felt isolated in one town you lived in, and craved someone to spend some time with, but then moved home and felt overwhelmed by requests for time. Or you didn’t value acts of service much until after you became a parent and your workload suddenly got a lot more intense.
And when I took that personality type quiz, it told me I am a stabiliser. I might be, but I also have some strong improver traits going on too! So although it is handy to characterise and sort ourselves into neat little boxes, in order to be the best friend you can be, an overall and current awareness of your friends and their immediate circumstances is essential.
What tends to be hardest is when you have a mutual need or love language, then that changes for one of you, but not the other. I have experienced this countless times with single friends who feel a bit lonely and like to connect over quality social time, however those needs of theirs change when they partner up, and suddenly they find themselves favouring gifts (presents instead of presence) and words of affirmation as a love language.
What’s hard about that is that they might love giving and receiving a thoughtful and meaningful gift, with a card filled with loving and reassuring words affirming that although our bond has changed, our feelings towards each other have not. They mean these words, but if I am still feeling lonely and needing quality time to feel loved, these gestures tend to take on an empty meaningless feeling although I believe they do mean what they say. Because how I receive love is no longer the same as how they are giving it.
Similarly, there are times in my life when I am willing and able to offer acts of service to friends as a love language, and I know the friends in question truly appreciate and feel loved and supported by these acts of service. However there are other times when I start to feel exhausted or get too busy or overwhelmed with my own life and have to start pulling back on these acts of service, leaving my friends in question puzzled if I am upset with them as I seem withdrawn. I wont lie and say there are never times when this might be true and I start to feel a bit used, but there are also times when it has absolutely no correlation to the friends and how many requests for services they have made. So when I suggest some quality time together and a long hug when they complain about how hard things are, as opposed to offering my assistance, it does not feel like love to them even though I am trying to still show love. It isn’t in their language.
Naturally, this plays into my theory that having 5 close friends is the sweet spot, so that no one person is drained by requests for love in your language. I like to hope when I can’t do whatever it is my friend has asked me to do, that they have other people to turn to instead. Similarly when my single friends couple up, they like to hope that I still have other people to meet my need for quality time with too.
And both things are true. This is important as if you only have that one person and they can no longer meet your need, the hole in your life can become so big you fall into it, and struggle to climb back out of the darkness alone. However, that doesn’t make it easy. Because when things change, and needs change, and love languages change… friendships change. Whoever else I might start spending time with when my friend couples up and becomes less available, will start to inevitably feel closer to me than someone I spend less time with. This is especially true if the persons in question are good listeners and a safe place to share, but tends to become true even if they aren’t as time builds that familiarity. It would therefore also stand to reason that if someone else was providing my acts of service friend more consistent and willing acts of service that they will start to feel closer to that person than me.
In those circumstances it can be hard to adjust to the changes and still nurture and appreciate the friendship as it changes. It isn’t uncommon to experience an ambiguous sense of loss, even although you and the other party are still actually on good terms. What you have lost is that sense of intimacy that was there before when you were both speaking the same language. When you are experiencing grief over the connection, it is sometimes easier to continue pulling away.
We might be guilty of blaming the other party for the feelings of grief, and feel it is easier not to bother with them any longer than feel a sense of emptiness and even a forced pretence when we are with them under new circumstances. Thoughts such as “why bother spending time on my birthday and giving me a gift when that is the only time you bother with me at all” might start plaguing you. In the other example, thoughts such as “why would I want you to come over and give me a hug when I have just told you how busy and overwhelmed I am already and how little time I have. You aren’t hearing me or understanding!” would be fairly commonplace.
These thoughts soon spiral into further negative feelings and before you know it, the connection has crumbled. Either because one of you felt it was better to end things than endure the painful change, or because you both pulled away when needs were no longer being met by each other.
The bad news is that there’s no real way around this, the only way is through it. And I recommend suffering through the changes if you can. Trust me when I tell you this is a lesson I have learned the hard way more than once. But once you focus on where you can meet your own need, or who else can meet it, and accept that their needs have changed, it can be interesting to recategorize them and assess what their new needs are. How can you meet them? Can you keep positive feelings about them when you know they are genuine, but you are frustrated?
Space isn’t something you will have to implement, as change tends to bring about space all on it’s own – your challenge is to endure the space until it doesn’t hurt anymore and you are able to find meaning in the birthday gift and card, and enjoy the opportunity to continue to grow your connection in a new direction, however slowly.
I know I am grateful for the friends that have endured change with me. I know I haven’t always acknowledged that some of the changes caused them pain and frustration. Similarly I know I feel better about the more relaxed but strong connections I still hold with people who enforced changes upon me, than those who allowed me to walk away. Because there is nothing worse than wondering if you might have still been friends, had you endured change better with more grace and understanding and compassion, than hiding from them when you see them in the supermarket.
People change, circumstances change, connections change, needs change, love languages change and friendships change. If you want to be the best friend you can be, you need to learn to change with them and not resist them. It will hurt, but you’ll survive, and hopefully so will the new connections that are born from that change!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
