My husband is not a particularly social man. He tells me he has strong bonds and connections with his work mates, however, seeing as he spends 12 hours a day, 6 days a week with them, he does not really feel the need to spend time hanging out with them in his free time. Which is fair enough really, he certainly spends more time with those people than he does with me! However, at the end of the year, they tend to arrange a drinks event at a local pub, and I notice how much happier he seems each year when he returns from these events.
I am a social person, and I couldn’t imagine not having my small circle of friends to spend time connecting with and spending time with. I always look forward to our time together, and most of the time I walk away feeling lighter, refreshed, happy and energized. I have considered that this is perhaps because I am not in the workforce, and as such time in the house alone with nobody to talk to, because my husband works such long hours, may play into this need for time with my friends. However, after speaking with a few friends that are in the workforce, they tell me they feel the exact same way. (I didn’t ask them, they offered this information themselves voluntarily in the course of natural conversation, so I know the sentiment is authentic.)
I have always maintained the ideal that friendship is the key to happiness, however my struggle with this comes from the reality in which we live, whereby partners and family take precedence and priority over friendships. While I see them as essential and strong links, in general, as much as I hate to admit it, friendship tends to be the weakest link. What I mean by this, is that time with friends is often thought of as leisurely, unproductive, unimportant and even selfish. Many of my friends have to make time for our catch up’s and most of the time that requires some sort of negotiation or justification to their family about how long they will be away for, and how they plan to still meet their responsibilities afterwards. It’s sad really that time with our friends has become a luxury many feel they just cannot afford time wise.
Some folks, like my husband, don’t subscribe to the idea that friendship is an important and invaluable aspect of human existence. They feel satisfied with those workplace connections, and enjoy spending the rest of their time with family or even being alone. Even I have come to appreciate some alone time here and there and do feel a bit stressed if I can’t fit some in each week. But then what happens if and when you change jobs… or your colleagues do?
This was the exact experience of a friend of mine, who began to feel restless, bored and unsettled at her long time workplace, as her trusted work friends all started dropping like flies in favour of different career paths or opportunities, or even parenthood. It quickly became evident to my friend that these workplace friendships were in fact what made the job satisfying and once those connections were lost, she no longer felt any ties there or any reason to stay. Nothing was holding her back, so she also left. However, the new office did not offer the same quick and easy friendly connections, and much of the work was actually work from home style. It took well over a year for my friend to find her feet at work for this reason, and still, only a few casual friendly connections have formed. Although they make a difference, it wasn’t until she immersed herself in her hobby, and found a newer, richer community that she finally felt stable and happy and satisfied again. Because she felt like she belonged somewhere and was wanted and welcomed within a group setting.
Interestingly, this particular friend has a partner who is somewhat similar to my husband in that they also don’t really think of friendship as an essential connection in life, and they were happy enough with the crew at work. However, after some physical health setbacks, it was necessary to change from a more active workplace, with a more casual crew, to an office job, with a more formal feel. Despite the job offering a better salary, extra employee benefits, the opportunity to do some work from home and a fancy café in the office, my friends partner felt miserable there, and couldn’t quite understand why. By all accounts the job was better, but they missed their old workplace. They tried hobbies and a gym membership… when those didn’t fill the void, they seriously considered going back to their old employer and asking for their job back. However, before they could do that…. They made a friend.
This person had also started as a newbie around the same time, and so they were both seeking what was missing – a friend. And not satisfied with just workplace conversations, this new friend organized after work drinks, social dinners with the partners, participation in charity events, not to mention the stream of texts and memes that started to flow between them outside of the office. Suddenly, my friend noticed that her partner seemed happier, more alive, excited and lighter. Although they had not acknowledged the importance of friendship, the proof was clearly in the pudding.
Maybe my husband doesn’t see the value in these friendships because you can’t miss what you don’t know! And maybe, given that he spends the vast majority of his waking hours at work, the connections he forms there are enough to satisfy him. But for most of us, I really think that we would be much happier if we stopped treating friendships like the weakest link and instead valued them as the missing link. The society we live in is moving away from social connections, but we, as individuals, can change that, by understanding that there is no replacement for that in person, face to face friendship, and start valuing health and happiness as much as we value wealth and worthiness.
Friendship is the link that ties us all together. If your chain is broken, phone a friend and see if you can’t fix that, and see what else suddenly feels better as a result?!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
