I have written in the past about how exclusive friendships can sometimes leave others feeling, well, excluded. It was that line of thinking that got me questioning the whole best friends concept and started to make me uncomfortable with the idea of ranking one particular friend as higher than the others….. or ranking them at all. I wanted all my friends to feel that our friendship was important, exclusive or not, and that our closeness could not compare to the closeness of myself and my other friends. I mean, they say you can’t compare apples and oranges for a reason don’t they?
But this post is not about that kind of inclusion. This post is more about inclusion in life, in mind and heart. I have posted in the past about the power of the word “we” when supporting a friend through any sort of life hurdle and how our language matters. Simply saying “we are in this together” or “we will figure this out” helps a person feel that they are not alone, which can make all the difference.
So today I wanted to talk about the power of inclusive language in friendships, outside of the context of facing difficulties. My husband and I, technically formed a blended family. Meaning my son is not biologically his, having been conceived before him and I got together. For this reason, it makes my heart happy when I hear him refer to my son, as his own son, or our son. Because his language conveys his feelings in that he loves and accepts my son as his own, and sees us as a family, not a blended one. Under the same logic, if I were to refer to my son as “my son” and my daughter as “our daughter” that language would convey to my son, and to my husband that I do not see us as an equal family, and instead am focused heavily on the origins of the bonds which make very little difference to our day to day life. We don’t shy away from the fact that my husband is not my child’s biological father, and our son has always known the truth, but he still chooses to call my husband “dad.” This indicates to my husband that our son accepts and loves him as a father.
This example is why inclusive language matters. In the context of friendships however, I have found that inclusive language that means the most to me, is still those little words, “we” and “us.” I love it when a friend reaches out and says “I saw this show advertised, we should go.” Or when they say they have an amazing night planned for us. I prefer if a friend asks where we should go for dinner over being asked where I want to go for dinner. It isn’t about “me” – it is about “us.”
I love feeling like my friend has thought of me and included me in the plans for their future. They might be planning to move overseas, but they mention when I go to visit, we should do this or go there. I like feeling like a friend has included me in their life, for example, a friend who says “I thought we could walk the dogs first, drop something off to my mum, and then head to the theatre.” This shows that they are including me in their day to day plans and their schedule, and that I am important enough that they are comfortable having me around their family and pets and general life.
I adore it when a friend muses over what we will be like as little old ladies in the care home, or if our grandchildren will be close, because it shows they see me in their future and don’t imagine one without me in it. It makes my heart smile when they give me gifts that are experiences, anything from 2 cinema tickets and a promise we will use them together, to a staycation we will take because it tells me that they enjoy spending time together. It even makes me happy to hear that I appeared in their dreams, even if I was doing something radical. I enjoy it because it symbolizes that I was important to them, that I was on their mind and that I am a constant in their lives so their subconscious, or is it unconscious brain puts me in their visions.
I enjoy it when a friend sends a meme and says they thought of me, or they knew it would make me smile. I like knowing that I am in their thoughts. Or when they pick out the perfect gift and they show me that they are paying attention to the smaller details and they are in tune and fully engaged in our friendship and just as invested as I am. It makes me smile when a friend goes out of their way to drop something at my door or help me with a task, structuring their day with me in mind.
It brings a smile to my face when a friend asks me for advice because it shows they value my opinion and want to keep me informed of their choices, or if a friend asks me for help and demonstrates that they feel I am reliable. If they confide in me, it proves they feel I am trustworthy and our bond is strong. I like it when my friend calls, even when there is nothing much to say, or just to debrief on our days because I am “their person” that they call or talk to about their day.
Inclusive language and inclusive actions, serve to let the people you love about know that you care about them, see them as an important part of your life, see them in your future, notice the details and want to spend time with them. It helps them feel, well, included!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
