While I like to think of myself as a good friend, it isn’t lost on me that if I was good at friendship, I wouldn’t write this blog about all the challenges I have faced and fractured friendships. So what exactly qualifies someone as a good friend to begin with? Is there a specific set of qualities or actions that amount to the title of good friend?
The answer is no. But if it ended there, this would be a very short blog post, wouldn’t it? Haha The truth is that friendship is less objective and more subjective, and most of our problems seem to arise from the fact that we give what we want to receive instead of what our friend does. Added to which, our values and expectations around what constitutes a good or close friendship.
It seems almost everyone I know includes acts of service quite high on their list of desired qualities in a friend, while it hasn’t been something I personally have required much of. While I value this willingness in my friends, I very rarely call on their services, and if they never really offered practical assistance, I’m not convinced I would even notice, let alone care. However, because I am friends with people who do value it, I find I am often uncomfortably called upon to provide practical assistance to those in my inner circle.
Help with organizing the junk drawer, or doing taxes, help with collecting sick kids from school or babysitting, help with running errands while friends are at work, or away on holidays, help with little admin tasks, or work assistance. To name but a few. I am a useful person to have around it seems, based on the fact that I am not in paid employment so my time is an available asset, not just to myself. (Although if I did use my own time as wisely as my friends use it, I would have a much more tidy and organized house than I do! Haha)
I have posted before about the love languages and how they are also applicable to friendships, and the ways in which acts of service drain me and leave me feeling very used if not much quality time is offered to compensate or meet my own need for closeness and connection. But of course, I don’t tell people this when I start up a friendship, do I? What would that look like?
“Hello new friend, I expect you to spend a lot of quality time with me and if you don’t I will resent you for asking me for favours?” Doesn’t sound very good does it?! Mind you, it doesn’t sound great from the other side either. “Hello new friend! I actually have no time to offer, because I am insanely busy with everything and everyone besides you, but please continue to serve me whenever I need something at the last minute, because you have nothing better to do anyway, right?”
While I am willing to offer plenty of quality time, my friends actually don’t want this, and while they are offering reciprocal acts of service, I don’t really want that, either. So why is it, that when we make a new friend, we aren’t clear like this in our wants needs and expectations? Why don’t we hold interviews and exchange ‘frésumé’s’? We would probably save ourselves a lot of time and energy if we did. And know if we were looking for and offering compatible things.
Mine might list qualities as loyal, affectionate, kind, funny, reliable and generous. I have years of experience and I enjoy long lunches, dinners and movies, comedians, concerts and theatre shows, and deep chats on your sofa lasting hours. My needs and expectations are regular face to face get togethers, open mindedness, vulnerability, sense of humour, attention and effort, and girls weekenders. In return I am willing to offer words of affirmation, acts of service, gift exchanges, affection, loyalty, secret keeping and a safe judgement free space to share. I am an early to bed and early to rise person, and prefer cats over dogs!
If I compare that to the ‘frésumé’ of some of my closest friends, theirs would read:
“Qualities – funny, smart, disorganized, career oriented, social butterfly. Intermittent experience over the years, seeks low maintenance friends able and willing to maintain close connections based on good feelings towards each other despite lack of contact for long periods of time. Values acts of service above all else, will ask for favours frequently, and offer help in return if I can. Prefer phone calls as they are quicker than texts, messages or emails, and value family more than friendships. Seeking a willing audience to listen to my complaints about life, a few quick coffee catch ups a year to which I will be late and probably reschedule at least twice. I love saying we really must get together and never making it happen and pretending we are both the busiest people on the planet. I need lots of time and space, alone time, patience and understanding about how busy I am, good faith that I do really value you although my actions seldom show it, meme exchanges where we do not talk, likes on social media to feel like we know what is happening in each other’s worlds and support with balancing my career and home life. In return I offer unconditional love and good will, understanding when you are flaky or busy, endless praise of all the ways you serve me and how I couldn’t live without you, and a Christmas card. I’m a night owl, as that’s the only time I get to stop and wind down, I love a late lie in, and I prefer dogs over cats.
If we exchanged these facts at our first meetings, we would quickly see we aren’t compatible or looking for the same things at all. But the problem is – the way we begin friendships tends to be akin to the ways in which we begin dating in a romantic context. Which means we invite someone to spend time, and if we are lucky, they make time to spend with us and we have a wonderful time laughing and sharing and bonding over every little thing that we DO have in common. And there is usually loads, and we actually really like each other. I assume they have time for me, because, well, that’s the basis on which the connection was formed. I assume they want to spend time again, because we both enjoyed it so much, and I reach out and ask for another friend date soon….. it’s only then when my busier counterpart starts to realise they may have misled me regarding their availability for a friendship on the level that I am seeking, and they have to spend months or years slowly managing down my expectations in order to keep the friendship alive. This can actually be a painful process for everyone involved. My friend feels terrible for letting me down, while I wonder why they don’t seem to want to spend any time with me and if I have done something wrong, all the while telling myself if I was important enough they would make time.
When the real issue is that friendships aren’t as important to them, not me, or just that our wants, needs, expectations and values around friendship are so different to begin with that we probably shouldn’t have embarked on a friendship in the first place. Then again, I would be missing out on some really wonderful people if that were the case.
My point is that we should be aware of our friends wants, needs, expectations and values around friendship, and do our best to meet them there. Which requires patience and understanding and effort on both sides. A compromise of sorts, where we are both mindful not to take, nor give, more than the other person can reciprocate!
What would your Frésumé say?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
