Anyone familiar with the real housewives will remember in season 3, when Cynthia presented Nene with a friendship contract! And made her sign it and everything! As we talked about ‘frésumé’s” (friendship résumés) a few weeks back, I thought the formality of the idea fit in nicely with the concept of the ‘conFract’ – a friendship contract.
I know for a fact that there are times when some of my own friends feel like they unknowingly signed a conFract when we became friends, as I have high expectations and I hold them to a high standard. Because I am someone who prefers a smaller inner circle, that means that my friends have a heavier workload in keeping me satisfied. In short, they find me to be high maintenance! I certainly wouldn’t consider myself low maintenance, not for my inner circle.
That said, I struggle to accept that I am high maintenance either. I will initiate contact, I will plan outings or book tickets, I will bring insect repellent, or sunscreen, and pack the picnic. I will remember you have a gluten allergy and cater accordingly. I will ask about your kid, or the doctors appointment you had last week. I will pick up your sick kid from school, help you with your work and wrap your Christmas presents for you. All I really ask is that you show up, engage, connect, have a good time and show equal interest and concern for my own life.
The issue is, of course, that in showing up, what I mean, is making time. Time to disconnect from your phone and your outer world, and connect with me instead. And in this day and age, and in the phase of life I am in, where some of my friends are grandparents, while some have babies, or primary school aged kids, or teens to adult children and everything in between…. Time is the one luxury most people have little of to offer.
I am guilty as charged of encouraging formal arrangements, such as catching up every Sunday night or a once a month brunch. These sorts of arrangements help me feel secure and manage my expectations. If we have agreed to a monthly catch up, I wont expect to hear from you much outside of that. However, as discussed in our last post, I also wont love it if the monthly friend asks me for weekly favours. That said, you can still be a close friend I feel connected to and cherish. That’s true even if I only see you 4 times a year too. As long as you aren’t asking or expecting more than you give, I am happy.
My friends, however, sometimes feel trapped by these more formal arrangements. They prefer a more casual impromptu approach, whereby if they are free, they will call me, and if I am also free, then we will get together and find something to do. As opposed to me finding something I would like to do and inviting them. They feel they are letting me down if they have to cancel. They feel like a bad friend because of all the effort I am putting in and how little they have to offer in return. And who wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel like a bad friend? I am scrunching up my nose as I even write this. Nobody does.
The pro’s to the conFract style of friendship, is that everyone knows the terms of the agreement, and, if this no longer works for both parties, we can come back to the conFract and make amendments. If we were meeting weekly but that is getting too much for one or both of us, we can negotiate to a fortnightly or monthly schedule instead. We can agree not to let resentment fester, and immediately address the issues, instead of retreating or withdrawing when we feel we cannot fulfil each others expectations or needs. And, if we cannot agree on mutual terms, we can agree we no longer fit, and it’s purely a matter of incompatibility rather than a lack of love, like or respect that has come between us and part amicably.
The cons to the ConFract include that it doesn’t feel good to be the person who wants to ask for less. The person who is saying “can we spend less time? Can I offer you less and still expect your friendship, and support?” Although this happens all the time in friendships, it is largely unspoken. One person pulls away until the other gets the hint and stops trying so hard. Or one person takes on a sudden amount of new and added responsibility, or goes through some emotionally heavy event and instinctively the other knows to allow them some space because sometimes giving less is loving more.
When Cynthia presented Nene with her contract, it also included things like not going to sleep on an argument and always talking things out straight away. Because in friendships ghosting is the most common way to end things. Breakups are hard and uncomfortable after all, and when there was no official getting together or monogamy we can tell ourselves there is also no need for an official ending. However, my friends know I will not turn a blind eye to a slow withdrawal from my life. I will attempt to talk it out, even if it fails. This too, is part of the unspoken contract of my friendship. It doesn’t always prevent the endings, but usually does offer a sense of closure, a reasoning or an acknowledgement that we no longer connect meaningfully. I would like to say it means endings are more amicable, but as in messy divorces which are also formal, this is seldom the case. Where there was love, there will be loss and pain.
The reason my friends put up with my unspoken conFract, is because ultimately they think I am worth the commitment. They know I am a good friend and they wish to continue our friendship. They understand that while it might be a little awkward – there is method to my madness and we can all feel a little more secure. Strangely it can keep the lines of communication more open than closed because I want to help my friends meet my needs. I don’t want to ask more of them than they can offer. I don’t want to feel let down every week if they continuously cancel.
It’s always better to know what we can offer each other and accept from each other. Better to know what to expect than to be either disappointed, or, alternatively, resentful because one is asking or expecting more than the other has to offer. And it is always useful to be able to openly communicate about these things. While you might think this formal approach would kill the free spirit of the nature of friendship, it actually gives friendship the respect and commitment it deserves.
There is no literal paper, no signatures, just a conversation and as Sinada Maitreya put it “sign your name” (across my heart!) Except it sings “I want you to be my bestie” instead of baby! ❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
