The friendship that turned out to be the catalyst for this blog, was clearly one that was dear to my heart. I was hurt and confused when my friend seemed to disappear into her own world, her own life, and it felt like she had entirely forgotten my existence at all. While there, at that stage at least, had been no harsh words or bad feelings between us, that I knew of at least, our friendship just evaporated right before my eyes.
It’s a story as old as time, isn’t it? Girl meets boy, and promptly forgets about her friends, leaving them in the proverbial dust as she races down the aisle? And that readers, is exactly what happened. My friend seemed so confused, when I expressed hurt over her magicians disappearing act from my life. As far as she was concerned, I was still her best friend in all the world. Just because we didn’t see or speak to each other as much as we used to, didn’t mean she loved me any less. While the logical part of me understood this to be true, in theory, the truth remained that I no longer felt loved.
Our weekly girls nights in had stopped in favour of her going on date nights out. Initially this was fair and I was happy to oblige, however, when she still hadn’t resurfaced nearly a year later, my patience was growing thin. Didn’t she miss me? I missed her. Why hadn’t she noticed we weren’t spending time together? Had it ever been meaningful for her, or had it just been a space filler until she met her prince charming?
When I met this friend, she was in the throws of a painful separation and soon to be divorce. So it wasn’t really surprising that she was seeking new friendships, to start a fresh chapter. Naively, no part of me questioned where her old friends were. And, had I questioned it, I would likely have just thought that she had learned a valuable lesson about maintaining friendships and relationships simultaneously so she wouldn’t find herself in a similar predicament again next time. I blindly trusted, without discussion on the topic, that if she did start dating again eventually, that we would remain close.
The fact that I am writing this post at all, tells the rest of the story, doesn’t it? When she started dating, it was exciting as I got to hear all about the disasters and highs and lows. We analysed texts and discussed the pros and cons of each guy like she was buying a new car. I guess I never considered what her eventual choice would mean for me, and our friendship. Or how convenient her singleness had been.
Things became increasingly tense between us as I attempted to demand time with her and she was unable or unwilling to oblige. She said she was always there for me if I needed to talk, but I was not receiving any calls to see how I was to even tell her, and messages went unread and unanswered for days. And yes, I did see that she was online not reading my message. She, understandably became fed up with my disappointment in her, and demanded I be happy for her. We were at a standstill, neither able to show the other what she wanted to see, or provide the support she needed.
It didn’t help that I didn’t think she should marry him, and I told her as much when they got engaged. By the time of the wedding, that she did go through with, I wasn’t even sure I would make the guest list. But I did, and at that stage, I knew I had to let her go emotionally and wish her well. Although it was difficult and painful for me, I managed to find acceptance and maintain a more casual connection with her. Although she still thought of us as best friends, I no longer felt that way, but I could see that we didn’t have the same beliefs and values around what it meant to show up as a best friend.
I knew I could still talk to her about anything and everything, but because she wasn’t around, I didn’t really. We were just moving in different directions, but I did still have love and care for her none the less. So when that marriage also came to an end, I was there for her. Not to the same extent that I had been the first time though. So when she found herself once again living on her own, I never suggested we reimplement our weekly girly catch ups etc… I had learned my lesson. I knew there would be another man soon enough, and there wouldn’t be room for us both. I only visited her a handful of times, although I felt a bit mean about it when she suffered an injury that basically left her bed bound for months.
I wasn’t wrong though, as soon as she recovered, she had put herself back out into the dating world and had soon enough met another man I didn’t particularly like the sounds of. I actually never met him, despite the fact that they eventually bought a house together and were together about 5 years. That’s not to say I didn’t see her though. This time perhaps she had learned a lesson, and suddenly she was much more engaged in our friendship despite her relationship.
She came on weekends away and plenty of girls nights outs, leaving her partner at home to do whatever men do when we leave them to their own devices. And he seemed happy to allow her the time and space, which he last husband did not. So for the next few years we grew closer again. We started talking again, deeply, and I could feel the spark reignighting.
Sadly, her relationship with this latest man had started to sour, after 5 years, and she had decided to end it. The circumstances were complicated but it soon became clear it was her only option. She was unable to find a rental and didn’t really have anywhere to go. So we sat down and looked at the numbers and figured out she could possibly afford to buy a small 2 bedroom apartment for herself and her daughter. And once we did that, she put the wheels in motion.
She eventually moved into her new place, and has sworn off men. Ok, yes, I will believe it when I see it, but at the same time, the commitment to buy a place on her own and provide her own security has me fairly convinced she might mean it this time. So my question, I suppose, becomes, is it safe to reinvest emotionally in this friend? And if so, how much time should I invest in her?
I have contemplated if my unwillingness to show up for her after her second divorce contributed to the loneliness that saw her fall into the arms of another man nowhere near good enough for her. Perhaps if I had of been around more, she might’ve been happier on her own? That said, this has all led her to her own place, which can only be seen as a positive.
The problem is, the more time I spend with a friend, the more emotionally invested I tend to become. So I don’t know how much I should be there for her. She has my full support, of course, and I have spent time and money on storage solutions and helped her source much needed items from my contacts…. And I do not want her to be lonely. Part of me is actually excited that the opportunity to reinvest has presented itself again.
So I have decided to commit to making time for her on a monthly basis. Time I will actively pursue. I will be open to more time if she pursues it. I am not willing to commit to any formal schedule at this stage, because then we will each feel trapped and burdened by this in time, and I will miss it if she is ever unable to continue it. (And resent it if it is because of a new partner.)
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am willing to reinvest slowly. I don’t think I am throwing good money after bad, but this time I will be cautious, and invest based on all the information. Our friendship was always worth the emotional investment. I have never regretted it. I just didn’t do enough research the first time. Now I have more information to practice a more realistic and stable approach.
I am a believer in reconciliations and second chances, are you?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!