A few posts back, I made a reference to the fact that a friendship might be lopsided at times, with one party having less to give at any given time due to circumstances outwith their control, while the other party finds themselves stepping up to compensate. This is completely normal, so long as it goes both ways and each of you knows they can count on the other to do the same when needed. If it is consistently one person doing all the heavy lifting, then the friendship is one sided, not lop sided.
Similarly, there have been times when I felt the burden of communication was solely on my shoulders. It might be that I am the one always initiating contact, or that it is always me who is asking them about themselves and their lives, while they show little to no interest in my own. This alone doesn’t always constitute a one sided friendship, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice the imbalance quite obviously.
I do have friends with whom I consider myself more of an audience than a guest speaker, however the circumstances do differ. With these friends, their lives, are truly more hectic, chaotic, dramatic and generally, well, more interesting than my own. However, they do make an effort to direct conversation my way, it just so happens that I don’t have much to share. Particularly if we see or speak regularly.
With friends you speak to all the time, it seems reasonable that you have conversations that seem boring on the outside, but that provide much meaning; because it is in the mundane details of life that you really get to know a person. You share details with these friends you might forget to share with someone you only catch up with once a month, simply because the smaller details slip into the background to cover deeper territory. However, sharing a laugh with a friend that you just slipped over at the local shops or smashed your partner’s favourite mug develops an intimacy, and it is nice to have people to share these smaller details with on the daily.
What is harder to swallow, is the type of friend who seems to only get in touch when things in their world aren’t quite so rosy. A friend who wants to share every screenshot of messages between them and the person they are seeing to decipher the secret meaning. A friend who calls to send hours on the phone dissecting their relationship or that fight with their boss. But when you try and share with them your thoughts on the musical you attended on the weekend, you get a flat response like “I love musicals.” Nothing further. Nothing that invites conversation. No explanation of what musicals they like or questions about what you enjoyed particularly.
These are the conversations that tend to leave us feeling drained and used. Because when we try and change the subject away from our friend or the current drama, they show very little interest in engaging. Worse still, if you try and share your own drama, they either don’t show interest and say “That sucks” and nothing more, or they quickly relate it back to themselves and before you know it they are once again stealing the limelight. Never short of something to share, but never seeming to allow you the space to do the same, even when you really need to.
I am always a big believer in reciprocation. Of course, in a perfect world this would mean that you give your best self, and your level of friend energy and intensity, wherever it may lie, is reflected back to you. However, this isn’t a perfect world. And sometimes you give, hoping to receive, and end up disappointed. And in these circumstances, all you can do is be the mirror instead of hoping they will mirror you.
Give them short, disinterested answers when they try and share with you. Don’t overly engage with their stories or be a willing audience. You might be surprised, they may even read the subtle signals and self reflect that actually those kinds of conversations are relatievely unsatisfying and that they have unwittingly been subjecting you to this. Or they may just cool off at any more attempts in engagement as they go off in search of someone else to be the next willing audience.
Either way, your own energy is preserved from this kind of emotional vampire. If they do decide to discard you, then you haven’t really lost a true friend anyway, and if they are able to show up for you, then each of you has actually learned a valuable lesson. In most cases I would not advocate for bringing this up to your friends direct attention…
That said, if this is a long standing friend, who has had a sudden shift in behaviours, then I would suggest you might practice patience, before gently sitting your friend down and telling them that you don’t feel they have been able to hold much space for you recently, and you want to understand the change, and see if you can’t course correct to a more even keel. If this is the case, practice diplomacy and kindness. The truth might hurt to hear, but that doesn’t mean you have to deliver it in a harsh or hurtful manner… even if you are feeling angry and hurt.
Speaking of one sided conversations, this blog is my voice, sharing my thoughts. But it doesn’t have to be one sided. Comment here, or head to facebook to engage with my stuff there. Share your own thoughts and experiences because we can all draw on these to learn and grow collectively?
Hope to jear from you soon.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
