From Daddy’s Girl on Father's Day.

I don’t know where you are in the world, but I am writing this from sunny Australia! And yes, it is fairly sunny, even in winter, as it is here, although thankfully the warmer weather is on its way to us as we approach spring in a few days. What else warms my heart this week, is father’s day. If you have been following my blog for a while, you will probably know I write some standard posts each year.

I write a new years post, and a GALentines day post. There will be an Easter post, and then a mother’s day post. I sometimes, although with less consistency, write a Halloween post, and shortly after that, you will be hit by an onslaught of my Christmas posts! This year, it dawned on me, that I have never, as far as memory serves, actually written a Father’s Day post. Which is really odd, because I am out and out a daddy’s girl.

I know many of you, might not have had the privilege of being raised with love and care from your father, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I can’t imagine having grown up without my own, being that most of my favourite memories from my childhood have him in them. I am, therefore, writing from a place of privilege, and don’t recommend this post for anyone who may find it triggering.

I don’t know if what I have been told is true, but I have always loved the story of how my mother fell on an escalator when she was 6 or 7 months pregnant with me, and my Dad’s first concern was “the baby!” Apparently I was daddy’s girl long before I was born. Although I don’t remember much before I was 3 or 4, I remember all the times I would cry because I fell down, or banged my head, and my dad would make me giggle by marching over to the wall and giving it a good telling off for hurting his little girl.

I remember him paying me to collect the snails off the leaves in the garden, and lovingly spending hours every weekend cleaning the pool in the hot sun, testing the water PH and getting all the pool toys out the shed for me, because I was afraid of spiders. I remember him teaching me to swim, and fixing punctures in my bike tyres.  I remember him carrying me on his shoulders for so long that my legs lost feeling and felt all heavy and tingly when he put me down again. I remember listening to the sound of his voice through his chest as I cuddled in to him if they were out late with me at a friends house as I fell asleep.

As I got older, I remember him helping me in long jump by giving me a boost, then lovingly taking me to the emergency department when I broke my arm as a result… where I promptly told the doctors and nurses that “daddy threw me!” I remember him getting up early and taking me to netball in the rain and diligently watching the games even if I was often the reserve player. I remember him driving me and my friends to brownies, coming to collect us again a short while later, and dropping my friends home on the way.

I remember him taking me to get a puppy, against my mum’s wishes and letting me bring back the male dog I fell in love with, when I was specifically told to get a female. I remember him caring for, loving and walking that dog for many years after I shirked my promised responsibilities and moved out of home! I remember him buying me the pink sheepskin rug from some farm, although there was no room for it really, either in the car or at home.

I remember him taking a stand at the airport because I was not seated with him on a family trip around the world, and him insisting I needed to be seated with him in case of an emergency, so he could save me. I remember seeing on the news about war and bombs and expressing concern that myself or my brother might be sent to war, and him reassuring me he would go in our place, as he had lived his life and we were yet to live ours. I remember feeling naïvely secure in this. I remember him telling me if I ever got lost, to stay exactly where I was, because he would not rest until he found me safe and sound. I remember him taking me to the driving range or mini golf, or taking me and my friend to adventure world. I remember him riding the rides I was brave enough to ride with me.

I remember wandering off at some international airport and hearing the panic and terror in his voice that he had lost sight of me. I remember my brother fearing that anything might happen to me while in his care, for fear of dad’s wrath. I remember him driving me and my friends to and from work, when we all got part time jobs at the supermarket that was not the local one. Being there at 9pm to drive us all home to houses not especially close together. I remember him advocating for my rights when said supermarket tried to dismiss me without following due process and keeping my job for many years after that.

I remember him taking me and my friends camping, despite fears that it didn’t look appropriate, and making sure he slept in the car while we were in the tent. I remember him buying my first car, making sure it was blue and had a bubble butt just like I asked for, then registering it and insuring it and servicing it long after I was 18. I remember him moving my furniture both times I moved house.

I remember him walking me down the aisle, and dancing with me at my wedding. I remember the lovely words in his speech. I do not remember a single moment I didn’t feel loved and protected, safe and secure.

But those aren’t my only fond memories of him. I remember him getting drunk and wearing his silly Scotsman outfit at new years and boxing day parties. I remember him always having to “finish his cup of tea first” before he did anything. I remember helping him in the hash house when he started rogaining, and the way he lovingly chased my children in endless games of jelly monster and their squeals of delight. Not to mention taking me and my son back to the UK to meet the extended family, and then patiently spending nearly all 24 hours or so of said flight pacing up and down the plane aisle with my crying baby, as it was the only way to calm and quiet him. (We later learned, when dad took him to the doctor when we arrived, that the plane had hurt my son’s ears and he’d developed an infection - hence his miserable discomfort!)

We didn’t always see eye to eye, dad and I, probably because we are more alike than I realise. There were many fights and tantrums along the way, because I was spoiled and ungrateful and took my father for granted. I have never really acknowledged how blessed I was to have him as a father. For being a role model of what to expect of my own husband, of how to be treated well and respected. For teaching me to advocate for myself and my own children. For teaching me there is more than one way to solve a maths equation or many of life’s other problems. And for always being there – to this day – no matter what I need or when I need it.

My father and I don’t really spend much time alone together the way my mother and I do. Perhaps that’s just the normal way of things. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t my friend. He was the first man I loved and will hold my heart long after he stopped holding my hand. And, he is one of my son’s best friends and favourite people. He took him camping, took him on the train to teach him how to get to TAFE, takes him for driving lessons. (And basically walked him all the way from Australia to the UK as previously mentioned!) He also takes good care of my mother, and my brother and his family. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for any of us!

Dad, you’re not just one of my son’s favourite people, you are one of mine too. I know everyone says their dad was the best on Father’s Day, but they’re all wrong you see, because you really are the best. Happy Father’s Day to a man who is more than just a father, more than just family, he is a friend for life. I couldn’t have asked for a better man to be my father, and I couldn’t love you more.

❤ Love,
Missy, Your BFFN (and favourite daughter, obviously! Haha)
xx

Feeling Replaced

Last week I wrote about feeling left behind. Both in life, and in friendships. However it dawned on me that sometimes we might use the term ‘left behind’ to describe the feeling we have when a friend moves on in their lives, and sort of replaces us with new people. It might describe that we are part of their old life that they have left behind, to make a new one with our replacement.

In the last post I spoke about a friend who was upset when I had my firstborn. This person used the terms left behind and replaced often when describing her feelings about the situation. At the time, both because I was young, and because I couldn’t fathom in the ways my friend could, how much motherhood would change my life, her comments confused and upset me.

Firstly, I reasoned, she did not want to have children, and often spoke passionately about her love of her childfree life and future, so how was I leaving her behind when this was a path she never intended to walk anyway. Secondly, we could still be friends, despite the fact that I would have a baby, and this wouldn’t change anything, would it? I would still be me, we could and would, still be friends. Can you guess which one of us was wrong? In typical fashion, it was me that was wrong.

The friend in question enjoyed late night house parties with loud music and tequila. She knew I did not love any of the above things. I am an early riser, preferring 5am starts to 5am bedtimes. I am not a big drinker as my liver has trouble processing alcohol apparently so it makes me quite ill quite quickly. And I prefer quiet spaces, with a calm energy. So, while she was sad I would no longer be able to attend these gatherings, no part of me thought of this as a loss. I much preferred the idea of weekend picnic lunches at the park with the kid, or quiet dinners at my place after the baby was asleep for the night.

While my friend was seemingly willing to accommodate this change, she enjoyed the idea of me having a mini plus one everywhere I went as much as I enjoyed her parties. So when the baby came along and I was all talk of nappies and breastfeeding, not to mention too tired to get dressed let alone go to the park, it surprised me that she wasn’t as engaged in our friendship. I had tried to still be attentive to her, keep up with the happenings of her life, but it was hard for her to talk to me really, when I was constantly and consistently interrupted by a screaming baby.

She was jealous when I spoke of my new friends from mother’s group and playgroup. I couldn’t understand why. These women were people who had babies the same age as my own. It didn’t mean they were closer or more important than the friends I had before I became a mother. These new women didn’t know me, not the way my old friend did. However, I suppose as it turned out, they knew the person I had become, and she knew the person I used to be. We came to blows when she wanted to visit one day, and I asked her to come a different day, because that was playgroup day.

From her perspective, she should have been the priority, as I saw the others every week, and her less than once a month. From my perspective, I had a new commitment to these friends for our weekly catch up, and it was the only day in the week where I got out of the house and the baby would play without me directly entertaining him. She could come, literally any other of the 6 days in that week. Neither of us was right or wrong. She could easily have agreed to come another day and I could just as easily missed playgroup for that one week. But neither of us was willing to bend to the other’s will. It brought about the very end she feared and foresaw, although honestly I was more naïve and blindsided by it.

From her perspective, she had been losing me anyway, slowly and painfully, while I was blissfully unaware, as I had other things distracting me. She felt she had been watching me replace her for over 2 years, and expecting her to grin and bare it. From my perspective, she didn’t understand motherhood and the constraints on my time and mental energy. That I really couldn’t come to the parties – even if I had a sitter, I had to go home and be a parent early the next morning. I had no desire to stay up all night, even if I could, which I could not. She felt I had stopped showing up to her life, and she had felt no matter how hard she tried, there was no room for her in mine.

We lost contact a long time ago now, and for most of that time, I thought she was wrong. I still don’t think she was right, to be clear, it’s just that now I see I wasn’t right either. As my children race toward adulthood, I sometimes wonder; could she have been more patient with me? Children are only children for a short time really. I have much more freedom these days, and have done really for the past few years at least. Had she waited just 2 or 3 more years, I would begin to re-emerge from the depths of motherhood to spend time with my friends childfree to talk about anything other than children! Maybe her parties would have offered an excuse for a night off, and maybe I might have enjoyed blowing off steam more by then.

But I am not unaware, that having an unfulfilling friendship for 5 years, that used to be extremely close, is painful and challenging and seems like a lifetime. Why should or would she put her own needs on hold for 5 years until I remembered her existence. I can’t say I blame her really. I have friends with children 3 to 5 years younger than my own, and while I was keen for play dates, the children were at such different stages, it was hard finding things everyone wanted to do. And while my kids could go off and play, they either had to follow theirs around all the time, or were constantly interrupted and distracted. Sound familiar?

I had an advantage over my old friend, in that I understood this phase of motherhood, and that it would not last too long, so I was patient and tolerant, and before you knew it, they had all grown up into big kids with some level of autonomy. They could play, we could talk. We could get babyistters and go out without them. Now, the youngest of those kids is 10, and all the friendships survived.

However, I do have one friend contemplating a later in life journey into motherhood, and suddenly, I am in the position of my old friend. Knowing that however unintentionally, our friendship will change, and it is unlikely it will meet my needs. No longer will there be movies and comedy shows and gossip and laughter. Our kids will be far too far apart to be friends, or play. One of mine will probably be an adult by the time her own is even born. Will I be interested in baby talk? Will I be patient with the distractions and interruptions? Will I enjoy playcentres and picnics at the park over movies and comedy shows? Will I feel jealous and replaced by her new circle of friends sharing and relating to her journey as they travel the path together in ways I can’t really. Will I be flexible and find ways to make it work? Or will I also get stuck in loss and resentment for the change? Will I be part of her new life, or only part of her past?

I hope I know the answers to these questions, and can use my own past experiences to ensure a better outcome for us than my old friendship…. But suddenly the feeling of being left behind and replaced feels a lot more palpable. Either way, I will need to move my own life forward too, because change is inevitable and if I don’t, I can see how easy it would be to sit in my grief and loss. I will need to find new ways to meet my needs for fun, and understand this is my problem to fix and not her burden to carry. Otherwise I will feel replaced, and to be honest, I probably wont enjoy sitting back and watching that happen any more than my old friend did.

What goes around, really does come around eventually. It’s a test of what we have learned. I hope I pass. But only time will tell….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Feeling Left Behind

Life is a funny thing, as we all walk similar paths, yet take slightly different routes. When you are young, you assume you are always all on the same path, walking at the same pace, to arrive at the same destinations, at the same times. I suppose, in a way, it does start like that as we travel through our school journeys with familiar faces and combined paces. Then seemingly suddenly, we ae thrust into the real world and all seem to scatter.

If you are as lucky as I am, there will be a select few from these years that  you manage to hold onto, and maintain a friendship with, but the ones you lose along the way might have suddenly seemed to be going places at a much faster speed than you yourself are travelling. This is probably when you start having those niggling feelings of feeling left behind.

Once we are thrust into the real world, and become adults in a legal sense, suddenly there is this pressure and just like that, the race is on! The question remains…. The race to what? Some are chasing fame and fortune, while others are running down the aisle towards marriage and children. Many are off getting fancy degrees and qualifications, or even leaving school early to chase apprenticeships in trades. A good few take off on travelling adventures, committed to seeing and experiencing the world before settling down. A lot are moving out and testing their independence either with friends or partners, playing house. So if you happened to be someone who continued working at your same part time job, playing video games and living at home with no real direction…. It’s probably a safe bet to say you did feel left behind, and I am willing to put money on it that your parents or guardians weren’t shy in pointing this out to you!

Typically, and eventually, it can be safely assumed everyone finds their feet in the end, and makes new friends in similar places in their lives, which, with any luck, quietens that little voice telling you that you aren’t keeping up with the crowd… mostly because the crowd you are now running with appear to be on the same path and again at the same pace. But, before you know it, suddenly you are 30. Your high school reunion is coming up, and those self-doubts start creeping in again. Everyone is so much more successful than you. The fat kids lost the weight, while you gained it. The nerds are all CEO’s or important well paid scientists and engineers, doctors and architects. The tradies all have businesses of their own. The travellers have lived abroad and seem worldly and more mature. 50% of your peers have children, and 75% of them have mortgages. It feels like 100% of them have partners.

While you look forward to catching up with your old crew again and seeing where life took them over the years, it is hard not to compare yourself and find yourself lacking in one area or another…. Or maybe all of them. What you don’t realise is that the ones who have successful careers, perhaps feel left behind by the ones with children. The ones with children wish they could travel. The ones who travel wish they had the financial security. The ones who are renting envy the ones who are homeowners, while the home owners are struggling to make ends meet and wish they had the doctors salary……

That’s the thing with feeling left behind. I actually think we all feel it at one stage or another. Regardless of all the things we have, all the things we have achieved and accomplished, there is probably always something we were hoping we would have by now that we haven’t managed. And it is SO easy to forget that the story hasn’t ended yet! Because in the next 10 to 20 years, many will divorce, children grow up, properties get sold or fold, people give up jobs to return to study, while others retire early. A few become young grandparents, hopefully less end up in prison and some are diagnosed with cancers and other diseases, or become disabled.

I don’t say this in order to insinuate we should wish the worst for people or celebrate their misery and misfortune, I say it to remind us that nobody knows the future, and while it might seem like you have it worse, that is not always the case. And who said you need to be a doctor with a white picket fence house on a big block with a swimming pool, 2 kids, pets and tropical vacations to be considered happy and successful anyway? Isn’t it ok if you are happy being single, or don’t want to have children, or prefer to rent a nice place that you could never afford to buy yourself? If you are happy working in an average quiet 9-5 job, or a stay at home parent or living alone with 10 cats, why does that make you feel less than someone who has a different life? Firstly, you don’t know if they are happy with that life, and if they are, and you are, then what is the issue?

These feelings don’t entirely go away either. I remember a friend feeling left behind when I had my firstborn, and then another friend followed suit soon after. This was despite the fact that the friend feeling left behind had no desire to have children and was perfectly happy without them. But, I suppose I now understand, that she knew family life would take us in different directions and she was probably going to lose the close connections there as we had less in common now than before. Similarly, as my children are teenagers, and the mortgage is nearly paid, I look forward to travel and renovations and moving into the next phase of life, however, there is a sense of loss about friends who are still looking to have babies or get married and settle down. Because I know their path will take them away from mine.

Sometimes when we feel left behind by our friends, we fail to realise that we aren’t left behind, as much as we aren’t actually travelling the same road. That happiness looks different to each of us, and the only thing we will all have in common one day, if we are lucky enough to get there, is being old. As the Buzz Luhrmann song “everybody’s free (to wear sunscreen)” points out so eloquently “Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, but in the end, it’s only with yourself.”

If you are happy where you are in life, then embrace that, and if you do feel behind, it might be because you aren’t happy. If there are things you can change or control, then change them. And if there are things you wanted, that you can’t have, and it is out of your control, please find solace in knowing that everybody has things they wanted but didn’t get. Stop telling yourself everyone else has what you want, or that everyone else is happier than you. We all carry something heavy we acquired along the way, which is why we need our friends to help us carry them.

Lastly, if a friend takes a path away from yours, to follow their dreams, find ways to be a part of their happiness, or let them go on ahead with nothing but love and well wishes. They aren’t so much leaving you behind as they are pushing forward towards a separate goal from your own. Maybe it is time for you to do the same towards your own new goal, whatever that may be?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Making Friends With You Inner Selves

Hello loyal readers! Thanks for tuning in for another episode of Friendship Friday! I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a recent post a few weeks back or not, but recently we took the kids to see inside out 2. I loved the first one, so there was no chance I was missing the second one… kids or no kids! Haha If you aren’t familiar with the movie; its an animated kids film with fantastic representation of emotions, and how they influence our actions, portrayed through the life of the main character Riley. The emotions are inside of her, and each one, such as joy, anger, sadness, anxiety and fear (and more) is represented by a character that at times takes the control panel of Riley and controls her actions as a result. Almost as if Riley were a robot with her emotions holding the remote control.

Such a clever concept, and I hope they continue exploring this and release a third movie. However, it also got me thinking about a similar concept for adults, but rather than emotions, we might have several remote controllers; each one being controlled by one of our inner selves. These inner selves influence our thoughts, then emotions, then actions.

Personally, I think I have at least 4 inner selves. The first one is my inner child. She is the one who just wants to have fun. She is the one who has tantrums when things don’t go her way, and the one who makes silly decisions like staying up past midnight when she knows we have to get up at 5am. She is the one who feels jealousy and brings out the inner mean girl. She is the one whining “it’s not fair” and the one who coaxes us to have just “one more” drink! Our inner children probably take the wheel more than we care to admit, and probably the one that causes us the most trouble.

When our inner child gets us into tricky situations, due to irresponsible or careless actions or tantrums, we often have to suffer the consequences. Maybe you had to call in sick to work with a hangover, but you had no sick leave and you know you can’t afford unpaid leave. Your inner child didn’t care about that, leaving you to clean up the mess alone. This is usually when the inner teenager/bully/critic comes in. This is the one who berates you for stupid decisions, the one who tells you that you are useless. And it isn’t always as a result of the messes your inner child creates too.

Your inner bully is there when you are trying to look nice for an event whispering in your ear that you look fat, or your hair is wrong, or that you won’t look as nice as everyone else. If you are going for a promotion or trying something new, this is the inner self that will make you doubt yourself, taunting you with thoughts of failure and humiliation. She is the one who makes you afraid to try, afraid to fail and afraid to succeed.

If you do succeed, your inner people pleaser probably comes into play, telling you that you better be perfect and do everything right or people won’t like you or will discover you are a fraud. She is the one telling you to buy the boss a coffee on the way to work, and the one relentlessly checking the to do list because she is also a perfectionist. She is the one making sure you get up early and arrive early, and the one who tries to make hanging out with her as easy as possible on the other person, by packing the picnic and bringing all the chairs and drinks and glasses too, and picking them up on the way so all they  have to do is literally be there. She is the one who is embarrassed to ask for help or let other people see her cry, because she thinks it makes you look weak. She too, often provokes the aforementioned bully if you do not reach her standards.

Lastly, I have my inner parent. She is the one, who, when it all falls apart, will come into the dark places with me and turn on the lights. She is the one who puts the inner child to bed, sends bully to her room, and makes people please scrub the bathroom while she sits with you on the floor and embraces you. She is the one who tells you everything is going to be ok. That the only way from here is up, and she will help you up. She is firm but kind. She will remind you that nobody is coming to save you, that you have to save yourself. She is the one who reminds you to love yourself as she loves you. She is the one who points out you got yourself into this mess, and now it is time to get yourself out of it. She encourages you to ask for help if you need it, and to be responsible for yourself. She is the one who tells you that you have had enough to drink, that you do not need that cookie or that second helping and that exercise and vegetables are healthy choices. She knows that when you make healthy choices, you start to feel better. She is organized and in control. She’s got you and she believes in you.

None of these inner selves are inherently bad, although some of them do sound bad. We just need to make friends with them. We need to embrace them and understand what they bring to us. When we make friends with them, we can talk to them, we can listen to them and bargain with them, rather than them controlling us.

When they creep up, they are trying to tell us what we need in that moment. Maybe we need a break and a little fun. Maybe we need to face a fear and take a risk. Maybe we need to believe in ourselves and be vulnerable. Maybe we need to be responsible and clean up our act, our health or our homes. It’s all about balance. If you let any one of them take the wheel for too long, you won’t be peaceful and happy. But each of them is trying to help you be your best self and take care of yourself. If you make friends with your inner selves, you make friends with you.

You are the best friend you will ever have…. Or the worst enemy and harshest critic.  You get to choose….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is loyalty elastic? If so, how far does it stretch?

In recent conversations with the women in my world with work wives, the issue of loyalty has come up a lot lately. Work wives make the workplace a better, more enjoyable place, surely nobody is disputing that, not even me. However, as much as you undoubtedly love your work wife (or husband as the case may be) it can be tricky to know where the boundaries lie.

In one case, both parties have been encouraged to apply for a promotion, which would lead to significant amounts of money, not to mention status. While the 2 friends have always shared ideas, collaborated on projects, and boosted each other up to the seniors as often as possible… suddenly they find themselves competing. Does hoping that you get the opportunity over your friend in this situation make you a bad friend? A bad person? If your friend is still giving you ideas, can you trust them? Both of you might have dirt on each other. Will anyone play dirty?

Then there is the situation where one person does get the promotion over the other, and regardless of how they won the competition between you…. Suddenly you find that they are your boss…. And the dynamics between you shift. No longer free for gossip by the water cooler, your work wife suddenly find herself schmoozing with the higher ups and has the unfortunate task of telling you what to do, and perhaps even worse…. Pulling you up on your mistakes or shortcomings. Are you a bad friend if you resent this shift in power? Are you allowed to feel jealous or resentful? If you do feel that way, does that mean you are selfish?

In the same situation, if the new boss is more lenient with you based on a previous connection with their friend, is that fair? If they don’t do it because they are concerned about potential backlash for themselves for favouritism, does that mean they don’t care about their friend’s feelings anymore? And if they do reprimand their friend, will the friendship be over?

In another case, both people work in the same team, doing the same tasks, separately. Despite the close personal friendship between them, person A thinks person B is actually not very good at their job. Should they say so? Is it even their place to say so? Is it a lie to support someone with deliberately vague language so as to be careful not to agree with them when they are pulled up on their mistakes by management? Now consider the situation that you are suddenly put on a project together for the first time. The project is one your friend has worked on and it is a mess. Riddled with mistakes and poor quality notes or research. Some of it cannot be corrected or redone. You have to work with what she has already done, like trying to polish a turd! Is it disloyal of you to take it to the boss and point out that the work quality so far has been poor, because otherwise they will think both of you are bad at your job? You can’t afford to lose your job, and nor do you want to, when you are actually good at it. Should you take the fall for her incompetence?

If your friend gets fired for poor performance, and it was you who drew attention to this, is it disloyal of you not to tell her that you had a hand in her dismissal. Should you keep in touch? Even if  you should, will you? Is it your responsibility to help her find a new job…. Or are you only appeasing your guilt?

In the final situation that has arisen, both women are single, both have developed a crush on the same male co-worker, and both have been flirting with him. The women have gossiped and giggled amongst themselves about how cute he is, and expressed interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, despite the fact that this is very much against company policy. They have discussed that they would never fight over a man, and agreed to let him decide if he is interested in either of them. They said they would be happy for each other no matter the outcome.  During an after work drinks event with their colleagues, but not the bosses, one of the women sits staring at her friend and the beau in question flirting away. Despite what they have agreed, she is hurt and upset that her friend is blatantly stealing his affections right in front of her. Her friend notices that she is watching but does not stop monopolizing his affections and does not invite her into the conversation with him. Later in the evening, when she notices him going to the bathroom, she follows. She reasons this is her only chance to speak to him without her friend being present, and see how he feels about her. She kisses him in a dark corner of the bar where nobody can see.

Her friend does not know that they kissed. Should she confess? Both women feel secure in the fact that she is in the lead for his attention. Should she tell her friend that she felt jealous of their flrting? Is it disingenuous to pretend to be happy for her friend that they were flirting all night? Should her friend mention that she saw that sour look on her face while she watched them all night? Did either of them do anything wrong? Were they disloyal to each other?

The truth is, humans are selfish creatures at heart. Perhaps all species are. We are all just trying to survive, and to be happy, healthy and wealthy. We all have different limits, morals, judgements, assumptions, thought processes and feelings about things. In this way, loyalty is subjective. For most people, once you push them past a certain point, self preservation kicks in. It’s never easy to take accountability. Nobody is necessarily wrong or right in these examples. Nobody is breaking the law or committing adultery etc… they’re more grey areas. At the end of the day loyalty is earned, and the minute someone decides the cost of it for themselves is too high, I think you’ll find it will break. It will only stretch as far as they can handle the pressure.

We all want loyal friends and we all strive to be loyal friends, so we need to make sure the loyalty we are asking friends for doesn’t come with a hefty price tag for them, as it’s unlikely they will pay the price for you at their own expense. Be warned that loyalty is elastic, and it will only stretch so far in most cases before it breaks…. And when it does, the friendship is at risk of breaking with it if we had unrealistic expectations.

When a friend is disloyal to you, before you react, ask yourself what you would have done if you were in their position, under their circumstances. You might find you would’ve done exactly the same thing. Keep your expectations in check!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Interloper Incoming.

In the past few posts, I have discussed being the new kid on the block and joining an stablished friend group and falling in love with friends. This post is kind of a combination of both those concepts… When you have to make room for your friend’s friend.

I haven’t been shy about my preference for one on one friendships. I enjoy the intimacy they bring, and the ability to focus with attention to detail on just one person at a time. However, it isn’t fair to say I am not a member of friendship groups entirely either. At times, I am a member of a group – because my friend’s might be more group oriented than me, and therefore consider me a member of their group of friends. Group hangouts still aren’t commonplace, and the other members of the group are people I know, but don’t consider my friends directly. I consider them friends of my friend.

The way many of you may relate to what I am trying to address here, is like when your friend gets into a new romantic relationship, and suddenly you have to make space at the proverbial table for one more plate. Even if you don’t all eat together at the same time, when you are all eating from the same dish, an extra plate naturally means there is a little less for everyone else involved. This can leave the others at the table hungry for more.

In this scenario, rather than a new romantic partner, your friend has made a new friend. The good news is that this seldom results in the all too common ditching of friends that occurs when people find a new partner…. However that does not mean that you don’t have the uncomfortable awkward feelings of jealousy, nor does it mean that you are not watching your friend fall in love with someone new. If you are the type of person who falls in love with your friends, then your friends are probably similarly inclined. Unless your friendship is exclusive and monogamous, which most are not, this leaves both of you vulnerable to the hurt that comes with feeling forgotten, replaced, and sometimes even unloved.

It’s easy to fall into a false sense of security. You might have been friends with a person for over a decade, and become comfortable with all the characters in their world. For the whole time you have known them, they may have showed no interest in making new connections with new people. You may have mistakenly believed that their roster was full, and their needs were all satisfied by yourself and the other players on their team. You have had no reason this far not to feel that way! Which means it hits you from left field when all of a sudden they can’t stop talking about their new work wife.

Initially you mightn’t be too phased about this, as you recognize the importance of the role of friendships at work.  Even if your friend’s feelings seem a little intense, you reason that it is normal to be so excited and that they must’ve felt quite lonely in the office to have such a big reaction to someone new. You probably feel happy for them, even if you do feel slightly annoyed that you don’t think they talk to work wife in the same excited tone as they talk to you about her!

Then suddenly, your friend calls you in a tizzy, asking what to wear to the cool new wine bar in town, as she is meeting wifey for after work drinks. You instantly recognize this as a friend date, and have to fight the urge to give terrible fashion advice in a subtle sabotage attempt. You feel jealous. You and your friend had discussed the wine bar, and although you hadn’t explicitly said so, you thought you were going to check it out together. Not only is she going with someone else, but she didn’t even invite you. It stings as you think of them bonding over glasses and gossip, giggling.

You might try to reason that you shouldn’t be jealous. She is allowed to have other friends and you never felt this jealous of the other people she spent time with. Although you probably start to wonder if this is how they felt when you came along? Probably. You reason that it was a Monday night, and you and her never catch up on a Monday night. So it really doesn’t impact you, does it? You laugh at your childish reaction, and decide you obviously want to spend more quality time with her, that’s all. So you send her a link to a preview of a rom com that is right up your alley with explicit instructions not to see this without you. She hearts it, and you feel relieved that you will be seeing her soon, just the 2 of you. So you’re shocked when she asks if Saturday night is ok, and when you agree, she says she will ask wifey to come along.

You know you can’t say you were hoping it was just going to be the 2 of you, because your friend is already gushing about how much you are going to love wifey. But you already don’t like her, and actually consider telling them you’re sick on the night so you don’t have to feel like a third wheel on your own friend date. Sigh. You know you need to get it over with sooner or later though, so you go along, and it is exactly as you feared. Your friend is in the middle, but she keeps exchanging looks and whispering to wifey. They have all these private jokes about people at work that you don’t know and you wonder why you came at all.

Readers, it is hard watching your friend fall in love with someone new, regardless of the context. However, when it is a friend rather than a lover, sometimes this means the things you and your friend did together as a duo are threatened. You might ask her if she wants to get tickets to the new musical in town, only to find she already has tickets with wifey, or that your twosome is fast becoming a threesome weather you like it or not. The only way it is returning to a duo is if you aren’t there. Wifey seems to be a permanent fixture in the rotation and it is like it or lump it.

So what can you do? I think the only thing you can do here is accept it. If you can’t embrace it and just join in with them until you all have private jokes and you also have a strong connection with wifey…. Then your only other option is to scoot over and make some room for her. Which will mean giving up some of your time and your activities with your friend, so that the new friend can also spend quality time. This is going to leave a bit of a hole in your own life and your own schedule, but the best way around this is new hobbies and new friends for you as well.

Everything changes eventually. Nothing stays the same. Try not to look too hard at what you’re losing and look at the possibilities that lay before you. As a knock on effect, now it is your turn to fall in friendship love all over again. It’s unlikely you’ll regret it in the long run. In theory, either way it goes, you aren’t so much losing a friend as you are gaining a new one.

Everything you feel is normal. It’s ok that you felt jealous. It just means you love your friend. Sharing is hard. But sharing is caring. If you can’t share, you will end up with nobody to play with at all.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Lord of the Favours Friend

Readers, I must admit, although I have written before about favours being a big part of the fabric that holds friendships together…. I am not a big fan of this. I am not an “acts of service” love language person. For me, doing things for others at times leaves me feeling used, when my own love language of “quality time” is not being met in return.

I know some of my friends find my lack of love for favours and acts of service to be disappointing. Sometimes I am deliberately obtuse, whereas at other times offering my services genuinely does not occur to me. Where as some of my friends are quick to try and solve my problems, or show up immediately by saying “what can I do to help,” this is somehow foreign to me. Maybe that is because I don’t really enjoy asking for help myself, and I do find it difficult to receive. So when friends want to show up for me in this way, often times there really isn’t anything they can do anyway, apart from just listen to me express my thoughts and feelings about the situation at hand.

This might explain why, when friends let me in on a situation, I am quick to ask questions about it, and slower to act. It’s not that I will refuse to help if I am asked. Genuinely most of the time if I can help, then I will. That said, some people hate asking as much as I hate asking and so opportunities for connection might be missed when I don’t pick up on hints that they might be prompting me to offer. But I 100% admit that sometimes I know very well what they are hoping for and I don’t want to do whatever it is, so I choose to ignore it.

I do sometimes wonder if this makes me a bad friend, particularly if I know that friend would definitely help me if the situation was reversed. Part of my reasoning is having some degree of burnout from the consistent requests for help from my friends, because I am not working, in the past I have had friends who took that to mean I was willing and able to spend all my time and energy running errands for them or watching their kids. It isn’t fair to paint all friends with the same brush, but it does make me wary, that some people take a mile when given an inch.

I feel even worse when I am asked, and the answer is an outright no. Whether or not I can’t for some reason or another, or I just plain don’t want to. But my no is just as important as my yes, because if I say yes to someone when I mean no, resentment starts to build, which can eat away at the very fabric holding us together. When they upset me, which all friends do from time to time just like any other relationship, if my first thought is “after I did x, y and z for them, this is how they treat me” then that’s a fairly good reflection that I didn’t genuinely want to help and instead I felt it was a contractual obligation.

That’s never a good sign. And maybe that is one of the reasons I don’t like asking for help, aside from the fact that I often don’t need it, because there is nothing worse than the lord of the favours friend. This is the friend who insists on helping you, saving you, whether you asked for it or not, and then lords it over you at every opportunity. Instead of saying they were happy to help, they might say that they were so happy they could help you. They aren’t genuinely helping for the love of you, but for how it makes them feel as a person, not to mention how it makes them look to others.

This friend will be the first to tell everyone how they got out of bed at 2am to pick you up when your car broke down, or about the time they babysat your kids on your anniversary so you could go out for dinner. WITHOUT you asking them. They are also the first to remind you of everything they do for you, be it in jest, such as “you couldn’t function without me, I do so much for you.” Or be it in real terms, for example; “You wouldn’t be in the financial position you’re in if it wasn’t for me helping you pay off that loan ten years ago…” Honestly, there is nothing worse than someone who holds a favour over you like this.

Personally I know I often feel indebted to friends who do help me in big and small ways, without them lording it over me. Interestingly I am maybe less inclined to help someone who I feel doesn’t give generously genuinely but for their own gain. Sometimes I have to catch myself and ask if I am being uncharitable when I don’t want to assist someone, when their own actions float through my mind and the way they were so genuine with their assistance that really was valuable to me. And it is fair to say, at times, yes, I do find that I am being uncharitable and perhaps ungrateful, but this self-check helps me have a better attitude.

This brings me to wonder if the friend who lords favours over people feels unappreciated. As if they wouldn’t have to bring it up so often, if you would bring it up yourself! Obviously it is much nicer to wait for someone else to toot your horn than to toot your own, but if they feel you didn’t toot it loud enough, maybe they felt compelled to do it for you. I do try to be extra appreciative to anyone who does things for me, but I typically do this privately between us, and perhaps use gifts as a token of appreciation more than words of affirmation? Perhaps it is important to consider the love language of the friend doing us any favours and reward them in ways that are most meaningful to them.

Regardless of if you are like me, and struggle with acts of service, or if you are the type who is naturally inclined to be the first to offer your assistance, please remember to give from the goodness of your heart, and be kind and gracious enough to let a quiet thanks be enough, then let it go. The 2 of you know and remember it happened. If you find yourself mentioning the favour more than once or twice, question your motivations for this and be aware that it might push your friend away or stop her depending on your in the future. On the other side of the coin, let us all make more effort to show our appreciation for the friends in our lives regardless of the ways in which they show up for you. Be that in practical or emotional ways.

Friendship should be a 2 way street. It may not always be or even feel equal, but it should typically always come out evenish in the wash over time. It requires give and take. Someone is not better or worse for giving or needing help. Supporting each other is an important aspect of friendship, but handling it appropriately is also important. Each friend has their strengths and weaknesses, which is why we need more than one. Each one is valuable, none is nor should be a lord of anything!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Gifts Given from Ghosts

Well my lovelies, this week, while discussing house renovations and changes with a good friend of mine, we came to discussing a few pieces of artwork that my friend displays, which were actually gifts from ex friends and lovers from her past. Some she was ready to part with, purely on the basis that they came from someone she no longer wishes to remember, and some she wanted to hold on to because she really liked the pieces, but really disliked the reminder of the gifter at the same time.

This was fairly relatable to me, as a few friendship collages sprang to mind, gifted to me by people who have since left my life. Both of which are now packed away neatly in a cupboard. I no longer wished to display them, it would seem strange and inappropriate, however, I also didn’t feel right in discarding them. Actually, I didn’t want to discard them, because all the memories captured with that person were still valuable and happy from that time of my life. Seeing them everyday and knowing things didn’t work out might be painful, but looking at them occasionally as I go rummaging in the cupboard to find something else, gives me pause and makes me smile.

Although these people are no longer in my life, that doesn’t mean I don’t wish them well. But, my friend reasoned, what is the point in keeping artworks you no longer display or really look at. Maybe I am sentimental, or maybe it’s just my hoarding tendencies, so although I see my friend’s point, this approach works for me. The thing I have more trouble with personally, is what to do with gifts I purchased for a specific friend before they left my life, that I never had a chance to actually gift them?

I am a pretty organized person when it comes to gifts, and I like to be prepared. So I might buy your birthday and Christmas gifts at the same time, even if there is months between the occasions. I like to make lists and have ideas ready to go. I like to have time to order things online so they arrive in plenty of time. I like to have budgets for how much I expect things to cost. Usually things run smoothly and I appreciate the ability to just pull out a gift “I prepared earlier” on the day at short notice without much stress. I often write the cards in advance too. Reading these back does sting.

When the system works, it is a beautiful system. But just like any system, there are sometimes unforeseen glitches. Which has at times left me with very specific gifts, and nobody specific to gift them to. And when I see them laying around, it is a painful reminder that I lost the opportunity to show someone I cared for a token of my friendship. It hurts to know that they left my life, and how I hadn’t seen it coming. It also hurts if I cannot return the items, which is sometimes the case, depending on the retailer and the amount of months that have passed since the purchase.

I wont lie, sometimes it’s satisfying to return the gift if I am able, and receive a little financial bonus boost of unexpected gains. But sometimes I am left with obscure items that this person would have loved, but that aren’t necessarily suited to the tastes of most. I hate seeing them there, but I also hate waste too, so it is a real conundrum.

The friend I was speaking to about this issue, decided she was going to sell the item she was looking to discard online. While I have time and ability to do this, it is such a hassle that I have never really bothered. If I can think of someone to regift said item to, that is my first point of action. Saves me getting them something else, saves money and they are none the wiser that they were not originally the intended recipient. However, there isn’t always 2 people in your life with a specific love of teapots or a collector of old records for example. Sometimes I have to get crafty and gift the teapot to a child for a tea party, or repurpose the record into wall art.

If I can’t come up with a more creative solution, then I will ask my existing friends if they know of anyone who might be interested in said item, and happily gift it to them to pass on as a gift from themselves if the shoe fits. I might pass it on to someone who is selling things to raise money for something, or donate it as a prize for the school raffle. Failing all else, I will usually get around to making that trip to the charity shop eventually. It does serve as a good reason to go through things and clear out items that are now just gathering dust.

Whether the gift was given to you, or you bought it for someone, it is really up to you what you choose to do with it. You are certainly under no real obligation to return it – and when someone did this to me it just added salt to the wound honestly. I’m guessing that was the intended result! It worked. You are perfectly within your rights to keep it, and either stop associating it with the gifter, or use it to serve as a reminder of the happier times between you. That said, you are also under no obligation to keep it. All my suggestions so far have been recycling or regifting or repurposing…. But if it feels satisfying for you to bin it, then do it and don’t look back.

There is no right or wrong here, the person has left your life, so they probably give no thought as to what you will do with items they gifted you, and if it was items you bought for them, that’s even better because they don’t even know about it! Your life is in the today and in the future, so if something you received no longer fits with the person you’ve grown into, don’t keep it. What is it Marie Kondo says… if it doesn’t bring you joy… (and especially if it brings you pain…. ) get rid of it in one way or another and make space for more positive energy from things that do bring you joy!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Romantic Friendships; Falling in Love with Friends.

I have always written here about the similarities between romantic relationships and friendships. The parallels between the 2 types of relationships and that each of them requires time and effort and communication to make them work. I have written about queer platonic relationships, in which the 2 people typically pair up and live life as a team, rather than a couple, but are not physically or romantically involved, although there is much love between them. I have written about platonic soulmates and how I believe some of my friends are indeed soulmates.

I’ve even written about unrequited love in friendships, or requited love whereby the 2 friends take their friendship knowingly to a sexual level. Which reminds me of writing about friends with benefits. There are so many ways in which friendships can kind of combine with sexual and romantic relationships and I thought I had written about them all. But, dear readers, it turns out, maybe I have not! Coming across this article in mamamia.com.au about romantic friendships was like balm to my soul. It felt like home. A name for something I have been engaging in all my life…. And a thing that other people are also familiar with?! I encourage you to step away from my article for a moment to read this one. I hope you come back, but if you don’t, you get the gist of what I am talking about.

Romantic friendships are like falling in love. You get the same rush when their name pops up on your screen, and you are excited to see them. You communicate consistently and if you live close enough, which does tend to be a key factor in these friendships, you probably spend heaps of time together too. They are like a best friend…. But also, somehow more.

You might think these are the sorts of relationships single people engage in, to meet their needs until such times as a more intimate type of relationship comes along, but the surprising thing is, that many of the people in these relationships are actually already partnered or even married. And, I would expect, a fair few of those partners may even feel a little bit threatened by the close, intimate nature of the friendships. Not to mention other friends and family. I certainly have had people ask or assume that some of my friendships were more than I was letting on. Thankfully, my husband loves and accepts me as I am, and he doesn’t bat an eyelid at these connections I form. He’s well aware that this is something I seem to need on some level, and he isn’t worried about it. He knows and trusts that I am not unfaithful, even if I do very much love the women involved.

The thing is, with these connections, they are deep and beautiful and pure. They aren’t based on physicality or sexual attraction – they are based on who your soul is drawn to. I have never subscribed to the idea that we can only love one person at a time in any context. I’ve just never really had the language to describe the friends with whom I have definitely fallen into some sort of love.

These friends and I go on date nights, and yes, we call them date nights. We are more than comfortable sharing a room or even a bed. We happily strip down in front of one another. We talk openly about life, love, sex, problems, weird body issues, childhoods and trauma’s. Nothing is off limits. We openly communicate about how to maintain our connection and what each of us needs from the other to sustain it. We exchange I love you’s. We exchange love letters of sorts, in birthday and Christmas cards. We plan extravagant birthday celebrations for each other and go on girls nights away. We’ve met each other’s extended families. We call each other wife. We celebrate friendship anniversaries. We celebrate valentines or GALentines. These romantic friendships run similarly and simultaneously to the other relationships in our lives. Platonic or otherwise.

While these relationships are not, for me at least, physically intimate or affectionate, for many people, it wouldn’t be uncommon or uncomfortable to spoon or lay your head on the other’s lap on the couch. For me personally, it also isn’t uncommon for them to hang out with hubby and I. At home, on date nights, on anniversaries. At times most of them have even gone out with hubby alone. Or going out as a foursome, even if the partners have little in common.

One of the best things about these relationships is that they are not exclusive. So that means there is less jealousy involved. If I have more than one romantic friendship, I have to expect and accept that my platonic partners do as well. Notice, I said less jealousy. Not none. Because there is a certain level of feeling occasionally entitled to their time, attention and love, based on the history. So when you watch them fall in platonic love with another person, or when they watch you do it, feelings can and do get hurt. To be honest, as these friendships run so similarly to that between lovers, it is fair to say that sometimes we fight like lovers too.

We know exactly where all the sore points are, and exactly how far we can push each other, without going quite so far as to irrevocably damage the bond. That’s not to say, however, that sometimes we don’t break up. It does happen, and when it does, it is absolutely heartbreaking. I often think it is actually more heartbreaking than losing a lover – because your friends are the ones you turn to when that happens, so when they are the people who broke your heart and have vanished from your life, it is actually very difficult to recover from.

There is so much vulnerability and trust in romantic friendships, that violations of that trust feel like deliberate targeted attacks. They know exactly where your weak spots were, and that’s exactly where they aimed their blows. Forgiveness is not always possible. But where it is possible, it is also powerful and serves to reinforce the bond between you.

I have had friends, over the years, who have accused me of being in love with them. This always felt like an attack, someone using my sexuality against me as a weapon. But maybe they were right. Maybe I had fallen in love with them to a degree. Maybe what really bothered them was that they had fallen in love with me too. A woman. And perhaps that challenged their sexuality more than they were comfortable with. That when their other people questioned their relationship status with me, they felt awkward or embarrassed about it.

Why? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s ok to fall in love with your friends. It is normal to love them. It’s not necessarily that we stay in love with one another, just that there was an intense bonding period at the start where we did indeed fall in love. In many cases, that progresses, similar to marriage, to a deeper level of love and caring. Less exciting but stronger and more durable. Still in need of date nights and romance and communication. Still deserving of time and attention and support.

At least now I know why some people don’t understand it. They do friendships from more of a detached distance, more how I would describe a casual friend. If that works better for them, so be it. They don’t know what they’re missing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The lady who featured in the Mamamia.com.au article; Rhaina Cohen, has written a book about this concept, and presumably her experiences with it, called “The other significant others – Reimagining life with friendships at the center.” I am off to read it. I can’t wait. This is not an affiliated marketing post. I do not receive commissions or payments for articles, books or products I recommend. I only recommend the ones that speak to me, and I share them with you, because if you read my blog, you are probably just as passionate about friendships as I am. So if you want to buy her book, here’s the link.  https://www.amazon.com.au/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship-ebook/dp/B0C1X7HNWP

I hope you enjoy it. Head over to my Facebook and let me know what you thought. Have you ever fallen in love with your friend in a strictly platonic sense? Tell me your thoughts and experiences? I’d love to hear them?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

https://cupofjo.com/2021/09/21/do-you-tell-friends-i-love-you/

The new kid on the block.

I was listening to some of my old music in the car the other day, and “Step by Step” came on. Happily singing away, I was interrupted by a phone call from a dear friend. Answering the call on speaker, I said hello before muting the music. “What on earth are listening to?” My friend demanded. I told her the song. She hadn’t heard of it. She asked who sang it, and I could not for the life of me remember. Singing the lyrics to her wasn’t helpful and we laughed that I was showing my age, being a whole 19 months her senior.

It was bugging me that I couldn’t remember the artist! Maybe I really was showing my age! Haha When I got home I did what we all do, and I googled it. New Kids On The Block of course?! How could I forget? And how could my friend not know this song? I digress. The band name got me thinking about a friend of mine who has recently started a new hobby, and the unwritten rules that exist around joining an already established group of friends as the newbie.

Personally, I am not a fan of group friendships, but at times they really can’t be avoided, like in this situation when someone joins a project that was already underway, and a solid group had already formed well before your arrival. In this instance, it just so happens that my friend, who is female, was joining a group of male friends. I don’t know how relevant that is to the dynamic, as I suppose it is fair to say that most groups have some sort of initiation period whereby the newcomer is assessed for their worthiness and may be considered a threat initially.

This was certainly the case with my friend, who noticed in the beginning she was playfully ridiculed, and her input was not really taken seriously. Her suggestions were not considered – rather laughed off or completely ignored, and she knew she had to keep showing up in order to earn their trust and respect. There was the idea, like within many circles, that women were not as competent as men in the field and only there for equality instead of quality.

My friend had to observe the dynamics of the group carefully. She assessed who seemed to be the leaders of the pack, and who seemed to be the followers. Once she identified the weakest link, she started making more effort to talk to him, build up his work, not to mention his ego, and at all times make sure she was friendly, not overly sensitive and in no way a threat. Rather, she wanted to join the group and add to it’s already strong content. With some time, and persistence, my friend and the weakest link, began co-collaborating on a side project together.

The others noticed, and started paying attention. Suddenly some of the others were inviting her to collaborate with them too. This seemed like a positive sign, however it was not lost on her that there were still jabs and mild attempts at under the radar sabotage. Attempts to deliberately provoke her into becoming upset so as they could label her the “typical woman” and downcast her accordingly. But my friend was smarter than that. She wasn’t taking any bait. She rolled with the punches and she started giving back just as much strong banter as they were throwing her way. Slowly, she started noticing a change in their respect levels.

While initially her input was ignored, now there were several occasions when the group sought her opinion. She was invited to the group chat. She was included in personal conversations about their private lives and the gossip about the behind the scenes and the higher up’s. They were now asking her to be included in her own projects. She finally started to feel like one of the gang instead of the newbie. One of the boys rather than the woman who doesn’t belong. They were recommending her work with pride, rather than jest, and even asking her for tips and feedback on their own contributions. When one of the strongest members of the pack moved on, she was invited to take his place.

It is never easy being the new kid on the block. Many people who are trying to initiate themselves into a clique or an established group make the mistake of trying too hard to impress the alpha of the group. This only serves to put the others against you and confirms suspicions that you are a threat. It is important to be confident, but to also demonstrate that you wish to join and add to the dynamics, not rearrange the structure or divide and conquer. The hardest part about this is showing up consistently to a group of people who make you feel unwelcome and maybe even disliked.

You need to remember to hold your own, step into your power and never hesitate in your belief that you have something of quality to offer. By being your authentic self, rather than working to impress, you will gain their attention and respect. By not rushing or acting over familiar too quickly. By waiting for invitation rather than interjecting yourself too forcefully. Calm confidence is attractive. An ability to take the heat and give it back playfully whilst not letting it get to you demands a certain amount of respect. Not caring too much what they think of you is powerful.

If you are the new kid on the block, be unapologetically you! Even if that means owning that you regularly listen to the likes of Jason Donovan, Tiffany and New Kids On The Block in your car at full volume unashamedly. Know your worth and let them get to know it in their own time. And remember, it won’t be too long before someone else is the new “kid on a corner!” (Click the link and you will see what I did there with that sneaky Tiffany reference!)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Value Of Showing Up.

Sometimes it can be easy to let a friend down because we didn’t show up for them in the ways they needed or expected. Maybe we were too busy, or we forgot that it was a special day for them because we got caught up in our own lives. Or maybe we didn’t know what to say, or whatever they were going through made us uncomfortable. Or maybe we just didn’t even think, we didn’t even realise that they needed us.

Some slights are smaller than others. I remember once feeling I had let a friend down because during her divorce, when she needed me, I would pick up the phone. However, she later mentioned how much she had valued the support of a different friend who had showed up at a moments notice with coffee. Who had sent flowers just because and who had left several care packages at her door. My support, although quite frequently offered and required, seemed to pail in comparison. My friend never held this against me, or so much as said these are the things she had expected, but I could tell from the conversation how much more supported she had felt by this other friend.

I had another friend who left my life, because she felt I wasn’t there for her when her grandmother passed away. Truth be told, I didn’t know her grandmother had passed away, but that was of course, part of the problem. I had known how close she was to her grandmother, and I had known she was unwell, however I had failed to check in for updates on her health and how my friend was coping with the slow decline in health. She hadn’t felt cared for and supported. My lack of interest, probably due to being too absorbed in my own life, was the whole issue. I did not really know my own grandparents, and therefore didn’t really understand the gravity of the loss for my ex friend. My inability to relate, translated as an awkward silence as I didn’t really know what to say. That was a harsh lesson to learn, but ultimately, I did learn.

One of my dearest and closest friends recently had the misfortune of losing her mother. It was not so much a sudden passing, although the end is always jarringly sudden I suppose, but the result of a diagnosis in which a timeframe of expected life was given. Once again, I did not know what to say. Nothing I said could make this situation even a tiny bit better. Nothing I did had the power to change the outcome of the diagnosis. But while I knew that nothing I did or said mattered, doing nothing very much mattered. So I sent flowers, and I checked in regularly for updates and I offered whatever services I could, although none were heeded or needed. I told my friend that I didn’t really know what to say, but that I was there to listen to anything she had to say.

And so my friend could confide in me, about the struggles, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. She could talk about her sadness and her anger. Her frustration and her memories. She could talk about it, or not talk about it. We went out and had some fun, to distract her, or I would whittle on about my own, way less important problems just so she wasn’t carrying the heaviness for a moment. Then there were times when she would cry, and I would just sit with her and be there, offering a tissue and a shoulder. On the first Mother’s Day she faced alone, I sent her a video collage of her mum to a lovely song, and just said that I was thinking of her on this hard day.

When it was time for the funeral, I was there. I was one of the few people who weren’t a member of her direct family to attend. I hadn’t been sure if it was appropriate for me to attend, but I wanted to be there, just to show my support for her. So I talked to her about it, with a completely open mind. I knew there was every possibility that she would say it was only for family, and that was fine with me, but that if she wanted me there, if she thought it might help even the teeniest amount, that I would like to attend.

This wasn’t an easy decision for me, because this friend and I have a romantic history, so I knew her family well for a time… however, obviously when the relationship failed, I fell further out of favour… never having been their favourite person to begin with. I didn’t want to make my friend futher uncomfortable or make her family upset by my presence. I didn’t want her current partner to feel that I didn’t know my place. I didn’t want to cause her any more discomfort. So I didn’t really know what was the best thing to do.

I asked another friend of mine, who had recently experienced a few deaths in her own family, what she felt I should do. She told me that if it were her, she would want me to be there. Expect me to be there. Need me to be there. She asked what I would want, if I were in my friend’s unfortunate position and I too said of course I would want her to be there. That I would need the support of my nearest and dearest, and that definitely extended to my friends. I can’t say I would expect them to be there, only that I would like it if they were.

The friend that I turned to for advice, said she thought I should go, sit quietly at the back, and just show that I was there, as I had always been, and would always be. But under the circumstances, to discuss it with my friend who was arranging the funeral first, to see what she was comfortable with. So I did, and my friend said she hadn’t expected me to be there, but my presence would be very comforting and welcome.

So I showed up. While I offered to be of assistance, all I really did, was be there, hug my friend, tell her I loved her, hugged her son and her partner and sat quietly at the back. Afterwards, I reassured my friend she had organized a lovely service that did her mum justice. She told me my presence had made a difference, it was comforting and had made the day a little easier knowing she had someone in her corner, if she needed it.

That is the value in showing up. Even when it is uncomfortable or painful or when there are no words. Sometimes being there for a friend, literally just means being there. I’ll always be there for my friends, even if I am still learning the different ways they need me to show up. The important part is just showing up at all.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Power of Inclusion & Inclusive Language

I have written in the past about how exclusive friendships can sometimes leave others feeling, well, excluded. It was that line of thinking that got me questioning the whole best friends concept and started to make me uncomfortable with the idea of ranking one particular friend as higher than the others….. or ranking them at all. I wanted all my friends to feel that our friendship was important, exclusive or not, and that our closeness could not compare to the closeness of myself and my other friends. I mean, they say you can’t compare apples and oranges for a reason don’t they?

But this post is not about that kind of inclusion. This post is more about inclusion in life, in mind and heart. I have posted in the past about the power of the word “we” when supporting a friend through any sort of life hurdle and how our language matters. Simply saying “we are in this together” or “we will figure this out” helps a person feel that they are not alone, which can make all the difference.

So today I wanted to talk about the power of inclusive language in friendships, outside of the context of facing difficulties. My husband and I, technically formed a blended family. Meaning my son is not biologically his, having been conceived before him and I got together. For this reason, it makes my heart happy when I hear him refer to my son, as his own son, or our son. Because his language conveys his feelings in that he loves and accepts my son as his own, and sees us as a family, not a blended one. Under the same logic, if I were to refer to my son as “my son” and my daughter as “our daughter” that language would convey to my son, and to my husband that I do not see us as an equal family, and instead am focused heavily on the origins of the bonds which make very little difference to our day to day life. We don’t shy away from the fact that my husband is not my child’s biological father, and our son has always known the truth, but he still chooses to call my husband “dad.” This indicates to my husband that our son accepts and loves him as a father.

This example is why inclusive language matters. In the context of friendships however, I have found that inclusive language that means the most to me, is still those little words, “we” and “us.” I love it when a friend reaches out and says “I saw this show advertised, we should go.” Or when they say they have an amazing night planned for us. I prefer if a friend asks where we should go for dinner over being asked where I want to go for dinner. It isn’t about “me” – it is about “us.”

I love feeling like my friend has thought of me and included me in the plans for their future. They might be planning to move overseas, but they mention when I go to visit, we should do this or go there. I like feeling like a friend has included me in their life, for example, a friend who says “I thought we could walk the dogs first, drop something off to my mum, and then head to the theatre.” This shows that they are including me in their day to day plans and their schedule, and that I am important enough that they are comfortable having me around their family and pets and general life.

I adore it when a friend muses over what we will be like as little old ladies in the care home, or if our grandchildren will be close, because it shows they see me in their future and don’t imagine one without me in it. It makes my heart smile when they give me gifts that are experiences, anything from 2 cinema tickets and a promise we will use them together, to a staycation we will take because it tells me that they enjoy spending time together. It even makes me happy to hear that I appeared in their dreams, even if I was doing something radical. I enjoy it because it symbolizes that I was important to them, that I was on their mind and that I am a constant in their lives so their subconscious, or is it unconscious brain puts me in their visions.

I enjoy it when a friend sends a meme and says they thought of me, or they knew it would make me smile. I like knowing that I am in their thoughts. Or when they pick out the perfect gift and they show me that they are paying attention to the smaller details and they are in tune and fully engaged in our friendship and just as invested as I am. It makes me smile when a friend goes out of their way to drop something at my door or help me with a task, structuring their day with me in mind.

It brings a smile to my face when a friend asks me for advice because it shows they value my opinion and want to keep me informed of their choices, or if a friend asks me for help and demonstrates that they feel I am reliable. If they confide in me, it proves they feel I am trustworthy and our bond is strong. I like it when my friend calls, even when there is nothing much to say, or just to debrief on our days because I am “their person” that they call or talk to about their day.

Inclusive language and inclusive actions, serve to let the people you love about know that you care about them, see them as an important part of your life, see them in your future, notice the details and want to spend time with them. It helps them feel, well, included!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship; The Weakest Link or The Missing Link in Your Life.

My husband is not a particularly social man. He tells me he has strong bonds and connections with his work mates, however, seeing as he spends 12 hours a day, 6 days a week with them, he does not really feel the need to spend time hanging out with them in his free time. Which is fair enough really, he certainly spends more time with those people than he does with me! However, at the end of the year, they tend to arrange a drinks event at a local pub, and I notice how much happier he seems each year when he returns from these events.

I am a social person, and I couldn’t imagine not having my small circle of friends to spend time connecting with and spending time with. I always look forward to our time together, and most of the time I walk away feeling lighter, refreshed, happy and energized. I have considered that this is perhaps because I am not in the workforce, and as such time in the house alone with nobody to talk to, because my husband works such long hours, may play into this need for time with my friends. However, after speaking with a few friends that are in the workforce, they tell me they feel the exact same way. (I didn’t ask them, they offered this information themselves voluntarily in the course of natural conversation, so I know the sentiment is authentic.)

I have always maintained the ideal that friendship is the key to happiness, however my struggle with this comes from the reality in which we live, whereby partners and family take precedence and priority over friendships. While I see them as essential and strong links, in general, as much as I hate to admit it, friendship tends to be the weakest link. What I mean by this, is that time with friends is often thought of as leisurely, unproductive, unimportant and even selfish. Many of my friends have to make time for our catch up’s and most of the time that requires some sort of negotiation or justification to their family about how long they will be away for, and how they plan to still meet their responsibilities afterwards. It’s sad really that time with our friends has become a luxury many feel they just cannot afford time wise.

Some folks, like my husband, don’t subscribe to the idea that friendship is an important and invaluable aspect of human existence. They feel satisfied with those workplace connections, and enjoy spending the rest of their time with family or even being alone. Even I have come to appreciate some alone time here and there and do feel a bit stressed if I can’t fit some in each week. But then what happens if and when you change jobs… or your colleagues do?

This was the exact experience of a friend of mine, who began to feel restless, bored and unsettled at her long time workplace, as her trusted work friends all started dropping like flies in favour of different career paths or opportunities, or even parenthood. It quickly became evident to my friend that these workplace friendships were in fact what made the job satisfying and once those connections were lost, she no longer felt any ties there or any reason to stay. Nothing was holding her back, so she also left. However, the new office did not offer the same quick and easy friendly connections, and much of the work was actually work from home style. It took well over a year for my friend to find her feet at work for this reason, and still, only a few casual friendly connections have formed. Although they make a difference, it wasn’t until she immersed herself in her hobby, and found a newer, richer community that she finally felt stable and happy and satisfied again. Because she felt like she belonged somewhere and was wanted and welcomed within a group setting.

Interestingly,  this particular friend has a partner who is somewhat similar to my husband in that they also don’t really think of friendship as an essential connection in life, and they were happy enough with the crew at work. However, after some physical health setbacks, it was necessary to change from a more active workplace, with a more casual crew, to an office job, with a more formal feel. Despite the job offering a better salary, extra employee benefits, the opportunity to do some work from home and a fancy café in the office, my friends partner felt miserable there, and couldn’t quite understand why. By all accounts the job was better, but they missed their old workplace. They tried hobbies and a gym membership… when those didn’t fill the void, they seriously considered going back to their old employer and asking for their job back. However, before they could do that…. They made a friend.

This person had also started as a newbie around the same time, and so they were both seeking what was missing – a friend. And not satisfied with just workplace conversations, this new friend organized after work drinks, social dinners with the partners, participation in charity events, not to mention the stream of texts and memes that started to flow between them outside of the office. Suddenly, my friend noticed that her partner seemed happier, more alive, excited and lighter. Although they had not acknowledged the importance of friendship, the proof was clearly in the pudding.

Maybe my husband doesn’t see the value in these friendships because you can’t miss what you don’t know! And maybe, given that he spends the vast majority of his waking hours at work, the connections he forms there are enough to satisfy him. But for most of us, I really think that we would be much happier if we stopped treating friendships like the weakest link and instead valued them as the missing link. The society we live in is moving away from social connections, but we, as individuals, can change that, by understanding that there is no replacement for that in person, face to face friendship, and start valuing health and happiness as much as we value wealth and worthiness.

Friendship is the link that ties us all together. If your chain is broken, phone a friend and see if you can’t fix that, and see what else suddenly feels better as a result?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Does Quantity of Time Spent Equal Quality of Time Spent?

My love language is quality time, particularly when it comes to platonic pairings. If I like someone, then of course I want to see them often and spend time. This can be problematic in today’s world, with everyone being so busy…. Time is often the one thing nobody has much of to offer. This can be painful for people like me, as it is easy to tell yourself that if you were important to the other person, that they would make time for you. People do prioritise what matters most to them, after all.

What can be tricky for us quality time folk, is that we often create or imagine obstacles which don’t need to be obstacles, and see slights where none were intended. Using experiences from my own life, for example; when I have movie plans with someone, and they ask me to meet them at the cinema, I find myself disappointed and thinking that meeting there indicates that my friend is in a hurry to leave after the film, while I always hope there will be a coffee and a chat before or after. Even better if it is both. When it appears that I am keener to spend time with them than they are with me…. Because I have typically been the one to make the plans in the first place, I find I start imagining that my friend only said yes to appease me, and can’t wait to get away from me. Or they were only interested in the film or meal and not time with me.

I understand that rationally this is far fetched, and that this line of thinking is damaging myself. I know that these are insecurities more than realities. But, that doesn’t make it feel any less real. If you are the person who always initiates contact, and the one who always makes the plans, and then the one feeling like you are an inconvenience to someone’s busy life, it would make sense that you might start to pull away from people and jump to conclusions that these sorts of people are really not interested in friendships with you.

So, sometimes it helps to remind myself that my feelings stem from my thoughts, not from their actions, and to challenge those thoughts. If you struggle with this too, then I thought this post exploring the reasons people might not have as much time to offer may help you as much as they help me.

I feel happiest with a group of 5 friends. There is enough variety in the mix to meet all my needs, and not so many that we can’t spend the time and share a close intimate connection. I am relatively social, so this probably makes me an extroverted introvert. However, some of my friends are introverted introverts. They like spending time alone. While I walk away from time together feeling happy and energised, they feel a bit drained and needing to retreat to the comfort of home. This is not because I am draining, but because time with others drains them. So a 2 hour movie, adds up to three hours with travel time and that is all they can manage before they need to recharge themselves. Making it about me only hurts these friends, and our friendships. Expecting more energy than they have to give is like wondering why you can’t get blood out of a stone. They may have the time, just not the energy or the inclination. With these friends, I need to be mindful not to ask too often, and to be really happy when they  do agree to plans, knowing that it isn’t something they afford everyone.

Some of my friends are extroverted extroverts. They love being busy, being social and having a much wider circle of friends and family than me. So it is highly likely that they like to drive themselves because after the movie, they are meeting someone else for a coffee, and then someone else for dinner, and someone else after that for cocktails! When you consider that a weekend, which is prime social time, is only 48 hours, and then account for the hours of sleep and domestic duties, is it any wonder they only have a few hours to spare per friend? Asking them to spend more time with me, not only drains them, but it also takes away from their other connections. With these friends I have to remind myself I am lucky such a popular social butterfly fit me into their schedule at all, and be sure to know that it is all about everyone, not just me.

The next factor impacting many of my friendships is time commitments. I have the luxury of not working, and I am not studying and my children are now teenagers who are exploring independence more and more each day. My parents, while ageing, are in good health and not requiring care. Touch wood. This means that I have more time to spend than the average person. It does mean I have higher social needs, but it also means I need to be understanding that some of my friends work full time, are caring for young kids or elderly parents, have large families and may be undertaking study or side gigs on top of all of that. I have time to sit and ponder if they are trying to get away from me, while they barely have time to ponder the film we just saw. Like the exampple above, these friends are just really busy. With life, with family, with commitments. A movie is exactly what they want, and maybe even what they need to escape life for a moment, but then they have to get back to the daily grind. With these friends, I need to know that they are so grateful for the invitation, because they don’t make much time for themselves, but they actually feel a bit guilty for taking time out from everything else for something as indulgent as a movie with a friend, and couldn’t possibly justify the extra hour for a coffee… to themselves or the people depending on them. It isn’t about me. They actually love that I force them to take a break. But that break has to be short.

Some of my friends just don’t value friendships the ways that I do. They don’t find frequent contact, time together, or conversation a necessary element of friendships. For them, simply liking one another, is enough. It’s not that they wont come to a movie, but if they do, they don’t find the after coffee necessary and it doesn’t even occur to them to extend the time together, regardless of if they have the time, or not. They saw me, saw a movie, and ticked both things off their list. It’s not that they don’t like me, or want to spend time with me personally.

In all these cases, my friend is probably treating all their friends in a similar manner – I am no more or less special than anyone else. I am imagining that they don’t want to spend time with me and viewing the short and impersonal nature of the catch up as a slight or an obstacle. I am telling myself they don’t like me because they don’t initiate plans and don’t stay long, but if that were true in all likelihood they wold refuse my invitation.

While I adore my long lingering catch ups with friends who are on the same page and do have the time to spare me, I must remember that having time and making time are quite different. My friends who have different needs or circumstances value me enough to make the time, and I should treat it as valuable, because they have so little, and chose to spend it with me. I should really see this as evidence that they DO like me and DO want to spend time. Which feels way better. So why on earth do I torture myself with negativity? I don’t know, but I do want to change it, and I am trying.

Hopefully if you can relate to my struggles, this post will help you too! The quantity of time spent is not indicative of quality of time spent. The onus is on me to make sure any quantity of time, is quality time, because that is my need and it is my job to ensure it is met.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don't be a chosen one, choose for yourself.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post called “do you actually always like your friends? Do they actually always like you?” where I pondered the fact that we can sometimes have conflicting feelings bout even our closest friends, because there are always going to be things we don’t like about them despite all the things we do like. Then last week I posted “fanning the flames of friendship fires too fiercely” which likened meeting a new friend to dating, as we try our best to impress one another and find fun friendship dates to go on.

This week, in line with those 2 lines of thought, I wanted to talk about meeting new friends in a similar way to dating too. I don’t mean on friendship websites, although I am happy for you to go ahead and try this avenue. I hope you have better luck than I had when I tried it. What I do mean though, is making sure you don’t just get swept up in someone liking you, and then just going with the flow.

All too often we are so flattered by the attention of a new friend who comes on strong and we feel so validated to be liked and chosen as a friend that perhaps we forget to sit back and ask ourselves if we actually return the feelings. It is easy to tell yourself you like someone, when in reality, you liked the fact that they liked you enough to pursue you and you liked the way being sought after and wanted made you feel.

That’s of course why last weeks message to take things slowly with new people is important, because you can’t always know straight away if you like someone, on the basis that you can’t know someone fully straight away. But more than that, we can’t know if we like them without actively asking ourselves if we do like them. Not only that, but qualifying what we do like about them specifically, besides the fact that they seem to like us!

We aren’t all susceptible to being caught up in this rush however. Some people, usually with lower self esteem, will question the motives of anyone who comes on a bit too strong and it can actually trigger your more avoidant side. These types of people are skeptical and cautious and could potentially miss out on a good opportunity for connection because they also haven’t stopped to question if they like this new person, and if not, what specifically do they dislike?

There are also times when you meet someone perfectly nice, but for some reason, your intuition is niggling at you not to engage. This is different to the scenario above, on the basis that it isn’t because they like you that you’re suspicious, but moreso something about them isn’t lining up with you. Maybe something they said about themselves didn’t align with how they acted, for example. It might only be in small ways, like perhaps they said they lack confidence but then you see them acting in ways which  you don’t associate with low confidence. It isn’t your place to tell them how they feel or how confident they are or aren’t – but it doesn’t sit right with you. Even if they just have low self awareness, maybe that is something you find off putting and it is ok if you do.

I once had a new friend who mentioned in casual conversation that she preferred to be friends with people who had less confidence, as they were nicer people and would do more for her, to work harder to keep the friendship. This changed the way I saw her, and made me feel more like her target than her friend, but it also made me more cautious of her motivations and not doing too much for her. That was intuition kicking in and you wont be surprised to learn that the friendship didn’t last very long. Because I listened to my intuition. And directly to what she was telling me she expected from friendship with didn’t align well with my own ideals around the concept.

Not to say this person, or any new friend is bad or toxic or anything else overly negative. Sure, some people are, but most are harmless and think of themselves as good people. Yet, even though most people are good, we are not friends with most people. It is only a select few to whom we give our time and attention and let into our inner worlds. Therefore it seems prudent to be particularly mindful and intentional about who we think is the best man for the job, as the case may be.

https://www.instagram.com/dating.intentionally/p/C24-zquLQbT/?img_index=1

The people who often come in hot pursuit of you are often, not always, but often the types who lack boundaries, and this can catch you so off guard that you forget your own. And, just like with dating, the chemistry can make you a little bit high and therefore not in the best position to judge immediately. We should really have a stage for friendship, similar to dating. Fating? That stage where you are getting to know someone, but you are not exclusive to them, you are careful and a little guarded about sharing too much and you can be excited about them without defining the relationship as a friendship too quickly!

In one of the previous posts I likened making new friends to fishing, and I think sometimes we get so excited we don’t stop to ask ourselves if we are the fish or the baited? Unlike fish however, we do have the ability to free ourselves from the line before it is too late, or the speed at which we are reeled in. We get to decide just as much as the fisherman if we want to be caught, if we think it is a good match, and not only if we can meet their needs and expectations, but if they can meet our own. The best part of this is that it doesn’t have to be a big deal if you realise soon enough that you don’t want to be on the line any longer, because there are always plenty more fish in the sea!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fanning the Flames of Friendship Fires too Fiercely

Friendship can be quite like dating in that you meet someone and you feel excited about them and you feel that spark or chemistry. You want to see them again and talk to them again and just get to know them more. You genuinely enjoy their company and find that you are thinking about them or things they mentioned and you might even wonder if they are also thinking about you.

There’s nothing quite as validating as feeling chosen by a new person and the energy new connections bring. Similar to dating you might find yourself actively looking for activities or events you could suggest just for an excuse to see them again or wishing the time away until next weeks spin class if that is where you met them for example. It wouldn’t even be uncommon to be making sure you look extra cute that day even if you are not interested in them as anything more than a friend. Because we do care what people think, particularly when we think highly of them… so taking your new water bottle instead of the old faded one and then questioning if it was too obvious and laughing to yourself about how nervous you are and how stupid it is would not surprise me at all.

The problem with sparks is that they start fires. And fires burn out and often burn people along the way. So while it may feel harmless, or good even, to start landing in each other’s inbox incessantly each day, I would like to warn you to make sure it  is a controlled burn. The reason for this is because it takes time to get to know people. You have to know them in a variety of settings before you see all sides of them. Added to which – at first they will be on their best behaviour too initially. You didn’t think her hair was naturally wavy did you? That messy bun was carefully constructed just for you!

Until you have known someone a while, you don’t really know what kind of person they are or if your values align or even if you are compatible. You might find you get close to someone quickly only to cotton on later that they are flakey or dishonest. You might get quite attached and involved before you realise that your religious or political views are opposing. You might not have had time to understand if they really listen or if they have annoying habits like interrupting or always turning the conversations back to themselves.

Once the fire is burning it can be quite difficult to take a step back if you decide you want to, without them noticing the water you are throwing on the flames. Whereas if you ease in, you can just as easily ease out should you start learning things about each other that might be cause for concern.

Those initial sparks and chemistry can cause rose coloured glasses syndrome. This means you can’t see the red flags, and you aren’t looking for them anyway and you really don’t want to see those imperfections. You really hope they don’t see yours either. Yet we all have imperfections – it is just that we take time to trust people enough to expose them. Which is why we also need to take our time getting to know each other before investing too heavily in time, efforts and emotions.

Starting slowly allows you to observe them and make judgements based on what they do, not just what they tell you they do. It also gives you the space to understand how the things you observe about them fit in with your life and how they will impact you. Do you notice that they always suggest a glass of wine, whether you are at a bar, at home, or at an event? How does that sit with you? Does it align with you or do you tend to drink tea or coffee at home socially? Do they notice that you always answer when your kids call and drop everything to go and help them. Will this annoy your new friend eventually or make them feel unimportant to you?

Have you bonded over a situation that might be temporary? For example if are you both newly divorced, perhaps one will begin dating and moving forward again much sooner than the other and you might not have talking about the exes in common anymore. Have you seen how they interact with other people or wait staff or people from diverse backgrounds? Or under stress? Have you understood their expectations of you as a friend? Are they the sort to ask for lots of favours, to borrow money or for you to drive them lots of places?

I suppose what I am saying is that chemistry often leads people to forget their boundaries, and boundaries are better maintained from the beginning than suddenly introduced later, when they start to feel like barriers. If you always welcomed their calls at all hours of the day initially they might not understand when you start to find it intrusive and that can make it hard for you to ask them not to call as often. So it is better not to start something before you know what you are getting into and what you can handle is all I am saying.

They say only fools rush in for a reason. I have played the friendship fool in the past, as I am sure we all have at one stage or another. I have misjudged people early on and had trouble extracting myself eloquently from the entanglements and also have had people misjudge me and get too close for their own comfort, which often leads to heartbreak. Quicksand is quick for a reason. Don’t get stuck in it. Find your footing as you take each step carefully and consistently with consideration.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mums are more than mates

Each year around Mother’s Day, (which is this Sunday if you didn’t know) I try and dedicate a post to my lovely mother – the only person I can say is a best friend forever rather than for never! It’s a lovely sentiment and it feels true. But honestly, my mum knows she isn’t my best friend. Sorry Mum! What I’m not sure that she does understand is that she is SO MUCH MORE than a best friend.

I have posted in the past about the fact that I don’t believe friends are the family you choose for yourself, and in that post I highlighted all the ways that friendships can sometimes be better than family. The gist of it was that friends are less invested, and so sometimes that means you can more freely be yourself with them and speak your truth without fearing reprimand. I stand by it. There are definitely things I discuss with friends I don’t discuss with my mother, and I am certain we both prefer it this way.

However, this post looks to highlight all the ways in which a mother is so much more and often so much better than a best friend. There are so many ways in which we can rely on and turn to our mothers that we probably wouldn’t dream of burdening our friends with. Using examples from my own life, this list includes:

Asking, and expecting to a degree that my mother watch my son while I was away on my honeymoon for a week. Accepting generous offers from her to pay for aspects of my wedding, financial aid when my husband was out of work and we struggled to pay his car loan, and living in their rental property for a subsidized rate until we could eventually buy it from them for below market value. Showing up at her house with our bags unannounced when we had to evacuate our place due to nearby fires. Having her by my side at the birthing classes when my son’s father neglected to show up and having her catch my son when he came into this world. The pure love on her face as she held him for the first time.

These are all ways I have depended on my mother in ways I would never ask nor expect a friend to support me. But it’s not just that kind of support mothers offer either. Mother’s are there even when you have been a bad friend to them. If you haven’t called or seen them for a while, they are gracious and joyous when they hear your voice. When you have been too busy, they understand. When you need help, they step in and when you need advice you know she only has the best of intentions for you in mind when she offers it.

My mother is the only friend I have who would probably step infront of a bus to save me, and the one I would be most likely to do the same for. She is one of the few people I feel I could not cope without, and the one I feel luckiest to still have in my life despite everything. She is the person I feel sees me the most – she knows if I look tired or if I am acting quiet or out of character. She knows if my eyes look heavy or if my naturally rosy cheeks are flushed. She knows if my voice sounds off or if I am not ok without a word.

To be honest, she is probably more in tune with me than I am with her. I might miss these subtle hints that she is not ok whereas she never fails to see things in me, often before I see them myself. And this is because she has known me my whole life whereas I have only known her for the portion of her life that made her my mother. I do not really fully understand the whole of her as a woman, as it is so tainted as her role as my mother. She is so much more than this and yet I have failed to really see and know her on the level her peers probably do. Such is the order of life I suppose.

But the beauty in this is that I see it. And I am blessed with the time to do something about it. So my mothers day gift to my mother this year is to try harder to get to know her as a woman, outside of being my mother or my father’s wife. To understand what made her the woman she is today. What memories she treasures most about her life and what lessons she took from life that she wants me to hold. What wisdom she has gained, and what was bestowed upon her by her own elders. What her hopes and dreams for her life were and if she feels she fulfilled them. What hopes and dreams she still has for her life now.

I look forward to putting the higherarchy of our pairing aside somewhat and knowing her more as she knows herself and as she wants to be known and remembered. However that higerarchy exists for good reason. She would not be expecting her friends to feed and bathe her in old age, whereas it would be a given that my love for her would extend to these acts of caring for her to repay her for my own care all the times of my life I have needed it.

As she is my mother, and I cannot and would not change it, I still care and seek her approval. I wonder if she likes my hair. I care if she says I look nice in my outfit (and I believe her as opposed to friends who are socially conditioned to be polite) and I might omit details from stories I tell her if I think she wont approve; like the prices of things for example. And she is the only friend who can demand I cover my son’s school logo on social media when he is 16 and I am long past being scared that anyone is looking to kidnap my 6 foot 2 bearded baby. Although I don’t want to change it, she is my mum, I have to listen and do what I am told. No other friend wields such power!

This post goes out to my lovely mother, my friend in many ways, but something so much more intimate and profound and special than a “Friend” or even a “best friend.” Although I look forward to growing our friendship much more this year, you will never be my best friend and I am so glad you won’t. They come and go. You and I are forever. My closest friends have a piece of my heart, but I love you with every piece of it. Always.

Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. I love you.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever

Missy
xx

Let Friends Go So Your Friendships Can Grow

There have definitely been times in my life when I have felt a friend pulling away from me. Times when I felt the distance growing  between us painfully slowly and either tried to hold on to that friend tightly and demand time, attention and explanations or times when I took the distance so personally that it felt less painful to let them go than to tolerate the distance growing.

I wont lie, to this day, 8 years after I started this blog, I still occasionally revert to old patterns of thinking and have to catch myself quickly before I cause the ending I fear. Because dear readers, both holding on too tightly to a friend, and letting them go will usually end up in an ending. One instigated by them and the other by you. Neither feels good. And both leave you wondering if you could or should have acted differently to reach a friendlier outcome.

The answer to this is typically yes, you could have acted differently, but you didn’t, and it is much harder to recover from this. Prevention is better than cure and all that jazz. One of my most popular posts was “what to do when a friend is pushing you away” for a reason. That reason is because we DO feel it when space is growing between friends. We do notice when changes happen and we do feel pain over it. This is especially true when we ourselves were happy with the way things were or are the types of people who feel anxious around changes in general.

I understand that letting go of someone you want to hold on to feels counterintuitive and I understand that when you feel this way it feels more like your friend is actively putting space between you to get away from you quietly rather than “growing apart” which implies a more mutual growth in separate directions. However, in my experiences, once time has allowed perspective to settle it is often the case that my friends lives were growing and changing and they weren’t actively trying to push me away as much as they were investing their energy in different things.

I don’t like to accept that for many people friendship is the lowest rung on the relationship scale, but whether I like to accept it or not, doesn’t make it any less true. It does mean I am better suited to fostering friendships with others who also value friendships as much as I do, on the basis that I have the time and energy to do so. But even when I find those people, time and life changes peoples priorities all the time, as I discussed in a recent post “Phases and Stages, Changes and Chapters” which aims to point out that even things we feel are certainties can change in an instant and it is often outside of anyone’s control.

Which is why I often need to take my own advice, take a step back, and decide that in order to hold on to the friendship, I need to find ways to let go of my friend and let them grow away from me. This is not always easy, and it does often hurt. But there are probably friends who have endured this pain for me too, as I have grown in different directions over the years too, and I am grateful that they allowed me some grace and some space to live my life even when it meant there was less time and energy coming their way as a result.

Perhaps this is even the essence of friendship? I have never been a fan of those memes that say things like low maintenance friends are the best. I don’t agree; as it doesn’t fit my life or my circumstances. But I can see why it does for some super busy people who have little time for friendship and both feel grateful they give and accept less without insult. Good for them. For me, with a smaller family circle and as someone who is not in the paid workforce, if I only had friends with no time or energy I would be very lonely. However, when I have a wider network and an array of friends to meet my needs, it is easier to still enjoy the friends with much less to offer and not necessarily have it mean that we are not as close.

However, when a close friend, or someone you spend a lot of time with, starts growing away from you, it DOES leave a bit of a hole in your own life, and it is natural that you notice that! What isn’t helpful is telling yourself that you need this specific person to fill that hole. That isn’t their job. That is your job. Added to which it is also your job to support your friends growth even when it takes them away from you.

The good news is that you don’t even need to make a new friend to fill the void your old friend left. You might have other friends you could start seeing more to meet the need, or, you might take up a new hobby. New hobbies often lead to new connections and even if they don’t, if you are passionate about it you will enjoy time spent on this next venture instead of sitting around missing your friend, wondering what you did to upset them (when you didn’t do anything, it isn’t about you) and being angry and resentful that they don’t miss you. (Firstly, they probably do miss you and wish they could have more time together and secondly if they don’t it’s probably because their own mind is engaged elsewhere on more urgent or exciting things.)

Bring Me The Horizon “Teardrops”

If you feel distance creeping in between yourself and a good friend, let your hurt and anger and resentment go if you want to keep your friendship. Acknowledge that your friend is growing, their life is growing and you should be supporting them through this growth and exploring ways in which your own life will grow as a result. Allow them the grace not to take it personally, not to take issue and to make sure you value what they still have to offer.

Don’t make my mistakes and try to hold on tighter. To ask pressing questions about why they are withdrawing and to burden them with heaviness that you miss them terribly and make them feel weighed down and obligated to you. Because if people feel unable to grow with you, or that you are unable to accept their growth, they will detach from you completely. If they or you detach completely; the friendship is over. If you are able to allow them the space the friendship stays intact. It does change, you may be or feel less close, but it is nicer to be able to catch up with them every so often without animosity than have to avoid them in the local shops forever.

I suppose it is called maturity. Accepting things as they are even if you wish they were different. And knowing that although it hurts, it’s going to be ok. Actually it’s going to be better than ok. You are going to be close to other people in your lifetime and this will be just a memory. You are going to be happy eventually, with or without this friend. How long you suffer depends entirely on how long you see the closed door as opposed to looking for the open window.

Let your friends go, so your friendships can grow.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Casual Vs Close Connections

I know someone who complains that they feel they have no friends. This is despite the various clubs they are involved, and all their volunteer work. Maybe this is because no matter how many casual friends you have, if none of them feel close, the emptiness echoes a little louder as we feel unseen, uncared for and unknown. Unheard. However, this is despite the long phone calls they receive from family and friends, and it is despite their weekly drinks with a group of regulars, one of whom they have shared hobbies with and travelled with for half their lives. Yet they still feels they don’t have any real friends.

I certainly hope this feeling that they have no friends is not one they verbalise around that particular person – as they would be right to ask “what am I then?  A hat full of arseholes?” But then again, on the other hand, it might just force this person to challenge their idea that they have no friends in the first place and how people who consider themselves friends might feel about the sentiment.

The real question is WHY does this feeling persist when the evidence points to social connections left right and centre? I think it is because many of these friends are casual friends and while lots of them take up your time, they don’t always take up your energy. I think what they’re really missing and longing for is a “best friend”. Those connections from our youth where the feelings are mutual - or at least, you are young and naïve enough not to question this.

I do think this person had close friends as a youngster. As a part of a sporting team, their childhood memories seem to revolve heavily around fond moments with the team mates and a sense of sadness that those times passed so quickly before people marched on towards marriage and children and responsibilities. The difference they seem to feel between the friendships they had as a younger person and those they hold as an older one appears to be reciprocity.

Back when they were a star player of the team, they felt valued and validated by their mates. The team members sought out their company and they felt welcomed and celebrated amongst them. In adulthood they report feeling as though they aren’t valued and validated. That the people they might have considered best or close friends don’t feel the same way about them weighs heavily on their shoulders.

This brings me to wonder what it is that makes a friend feel close or reciprocal? It would seem to be that actions speak louder than words in this scenario. I think this person longs for that friend who has 2 tickets to a show, and instantly thinks of asking them to go along as a first preference. And for this person to also feel welcome to make the same assumption in return when it is their turn to hold a spare ticket. Someone who thinks of them when they have a free night off and invites them for a drink or a game of cards. Someone, who, when they are going through something, thinks of them as the person to call and talk to about it. Someone they could comfortably also feel safe to call in turn.

There is nothing inherently wrong with desiring this level of closeness with a friend; being that humans are social creatures and essentially pack animals. The feeling of belonging is tied into feelings of worthiness and security. Unfortunately this also means we are triggered by fears of rejection too and maybe even sense rejection when it wasn’t intended as a defense mechanism? So when this person learns that their friend went out to lunch with someone else and didn’t invite them, that may lead to feelings of rejection, inferiority and insecurity that they like the person they did invite more.

The problem with those feelings, apart from the fact that they are usually largely fantasy, is that it becomes hard to say “Oh, that sounds good. I’d love to come next time if you’re going again sometime. I’ve been wanting to try that place.” Because if you’re taking the rejection too personally it is easy to convince yourself that they specifically didn’t want you there as opposed to the more likely thing that they just didn’t think to invite you.

Now, of course, not being thought of is part of the bigger issue. Because it is easy to assume that if people liked you enough they would be thinking of you and would want to invite you to all and sundry. But life just isn’t like that and you have to allow people grace. If they really hadn’t wanted you along then they probably would never have mentioned it in the first place. If you think the people you are surrounding yourself with are deliberately trying to make you feel rejected and left out then it is time to surround yourself with new people! However the chances are, that you know they didn’t mean to hurt you and if that is true then they also didn’t mean to exclude you.

This person’s partner is a bit of a social butterfly, and I think it upsets them by comparison that their partner easily makes friends who seem to pop in and call and make impromptu invitations all the time while they don’t have that for themselves. To be fair, their partner is also not an initiator. They are kind and funny and open and a brilliant listener which is a really big asset in friendships. So their partner just finds people who like to talk and they like to listen and; hey presto, look who’s the new flavour of the month?! That said, when they’re at a loss, those same people are unlikely to be available at a moments notice and are not always as caring and concerned in return. I think this person fails to notice their partner’s friendships also lack reciprocity because of the regularity of contact and the appearance of being sought after.

Male and female friendships are a bit different. Male friendships tend to focus around activities and so there is pressure to be a good player or a widely handy or knowledgeable etc…. to be valued. However what is the star of the group without the other teammates to look up to him? Perhaps we need to stop and see the value in being one of the team rather than the star? Although there will still be the star of every group, it is often more about the company, the game, and the enjoyment. An excuse to get together and play.

The real problem my these types of people face appears to be a lack of vulnerability. They both want those friends who make you feel amazing when they pick you and start calling and making invitations. The ones confident enough to make the first move. Confidence is attractive after all, even in platonic pairings. And feeling chosen makes a person feel valued. But if you want that feeling, maybe others want it too? Maybe someone has to go first. To make the first invitation. To be the first to express feelings or thoughts or troubles and open up? To be that excited one about someone else and see if it sparks.

To be prepared to approach a stranger and strike up a conversation or see an opening and invite people over for dinner, then to be patient and see what friendships spark and not take the ones that don’t so personally.

They do say in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. While some of us are good at reciprocating and see that as a love language, others appreciate feeling chosen first sometimes too. And the best part about choosing rather than being chosen is that you don’t have to choose anyone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate. You just have to be brave enough to cast your line and see what bites. Just like fish, some will swim by, some will take the bait but free themselves before you can reel them in and some will need to be thrown back in. But a rare few will be keepers and you wont give a second thought to the ones you didn’t catch, and you wont give up after one quiet attempt. Teach a man to fish and all that….. Not to mention there’s always literally plenty more friendship fish in the sea!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Casual Friendships; Friendly but not friends?

What does the word friendship mean to you? What springs to mind when you think of a friend? For me, I tend to think of close friends. The ones I laugh with, cry with and vent to. The ones I share personal details with, and the ones I share the ins and outs of daily life with. However, that image doesn’t fit with everyone in my life I call a friend.

I know there are acquaintances, like for example the admin lady at the kids school or the friend of a friend to whom I might stop at say hello to at the shops but with whom I share no real friendship. But if I were with my husband and I was to run into one of these people I would introduce them in terms of how I knew them. For example I might say “this is Kate, she works in admin at the kids school.” I would not introduce or describe them as a friend, unless I was saying this person was a friend of my friend. It would seem impolite to use the word acquaintance even though it would fit the nature of the relationship.

But sometimes there is a degree of separation between an acquaintance and a casual friend. These people almost fit 2 categories, or are somewhere on the borderline between both. Take my hairdresser for example. I am her client, and as such it would be fair to use the word acquaintance. However, as my hair appointments take hours and we discuss personal details of our lives, it feels too formal for this relationship. We text outside of my appointments about things nothing to do with hair. However, as we don’t spend time together outside the salon…. The word friend also seems too deep and inaccurate.

Maybe that is because the relationship could go either way. It could blossom into something deeper over time where we do begin to spend time on a personal level outside a business setting. Or our communication outside the salon could fizzle and we could remain acquaintances – me her client and her my service provider. Although I like her and she appears to like me, I would call us friendly more than friends.

A close friend of mine was also recently commenting on the volunteer group she is a member of and how she enjoys being part of the team, and the friendly and caring nature of the people within it… yet there seems no interest in growing these connections into friendships beyond the concept of the group. So she was confused, and forced to question her perception of these people… or of her perception about friendships and what constitutes them in the first place.

In discussing this we came to the conclusion that perhaps both scenarios were what you would call casual friendships. That perhaps the word friend is the catchall and the word before it is the determining factor? Although the word friend on its own can mean exactly that. This person is my friend. I like them and see them socially, however we are not particularly close nor are we family or romantic in nature. So perhaps there is some sort of sub categorical system that is only acknowledged at the top tiers.

We refer to best friends and or close friends as categories, but perhaps friend itself is a category and below that is casual friend followed by acquaintance? And perhaps it is ok, important even, to have friends across the whole range of categories, because people grow and change. Somoene who was once a best friend may gradually reduce back to a casual one and someone who starts as a casual one may oneday grow into a close or best friend when the timing is right.

The key is not to try and push or force them into places they don’t quite fit and just see where things naturally evolve to. Not everyone who has potential to become close will, and not everyone who seems stand offish will stay that way. So just accepting and welcoming people from all the tiers seems like a valuable investment, enjoying each for the small or big pleasures they bring. It’s important to be patient, but also to not expect everyone to be interested in growing the connection further and not taking this personally or to mean that they don’t like you enough to be a friend.

Your casual friends probably already have quite a full circle and aren’t necessarily looking to take on more right now, although that could change for any number of reasons. Or, like my hairdresser in the above example, maybe we feel freer to discuss personal topics BECAUSE we aren’t friends as such? Because there is a degree of separation. It is usually wiser to get to know people personally a little slower; so maybe if we had intended on being friends in a real sense of the word we would have shared more carefully? That’s not to say it couldn’t work, who knows, just that it’s wise not to make assumptions that it will or should become more.

So casual friends have their place and their purpose…. Next week we will explore if having only casual friends is enough, and how one person can feel the friendship is on a different tier level than the other person…. Maybe even how to actively try and grow a casual friend into a closer one.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx