This week I wanted to explore the ways in which we spend our time and how this might be impacting our friendships. I’m the first to admit that I tend to stick to certain things when it comes to entertainment or just how I like to spend my time in general. I love the cinema for example, however I’m not usually interested in seeing the latest action film. I enjoy a game of mini golf, but usually wont bother if it means driving into the city, which is outside of my comfort zone. I am not particularly outdoorsy either, so things like the beach or hiking don’t appeal to me.
As much as I try to be a “yes man” (or woman as the case may be) I’m unlikely to accept an invitation to go fishing no matter how much the friend making the invitation means to me. While I actually don’t think I know anyone who is particularly interested in fishing, there have been instances where I have turned down invitations that didn’t interest me particularly, in favour of being alone and doing nothing at all. Sometimes this is ok, as it is exactly what I wanted and needed to do for myself. However other times, I see the posts afterwards on social media and think “maybe I should have gone.”
That said, there have definitely been other occasions when I went to something I knew I wouldn’t enjoy, and then set a precedent and felt obliged to keep on showing up. I have for example agreed to help a friend set up her home. Thinking it would be a day activity, and we could make it fun, I happily agreed. However it somehow became our weekly project, and it wasn’t one I was thrilled about. I stopped enjoying our time together and started avoiding it. To be fair I’m not sure my friend found it particularly enjoyable either, I suppose she just wanted the company, but it wasn’t how I was interested in spending my time and she was not interested in doing anything else either. This is an example of a time when I appear to have chosen interests over intimacy.
As with most examples, there are also plenty of things I have attended with friends that did not particularly interest me, such as festivals, theme parks (I’m not particularly adventurous) home parties and expos. If my friend is particularly keen to go to these types of things, I will usually agree to go along with a little encouragement, and try to keep an open mind. I can also recall times when my friends have attended things that were much more to my tastes than their own. Friendship has to be a bit give and take like that. It doesn’t kill me to see the latest thriller movie, although it wouldn’t be my first choice, so sometimes I will go along for the sake of spending time with my friend.
Usually I will see an event that might interest me or my friend. If I think it might be ok, I will suggest it as an activity we could do together. It doesn’t matter if I’m less keen than she is, I will suggest it as a means to spend time together regardless. This tends to be a pretty good compromise…But what if I happen to make friends with someone who is only interested in fishing and camping and hiking for example, where do I draw the line? Can I share intimacy with someone if we don’t have any common interests? I mean, obviously I can because connection comes most often from sharing thoughts and feelings, but is it sustainable without any enjoyable means to spend time together?
I have to admit that the reason I sometimes say no, is because I have kinda already decided I wont enjoy myself. In these scenarios I find it is best to explore new things with new people. I also find, if you look hard enough you have something in common with most people. Both love ice cream? Trial all the parlours in your area. Both love crime shows? Start watching a series together. Or talk about things you have both never tried. Look for obscure things that might be fun; like circus lessons or cooking classes. Sometimes new people bring out new sides of you and that includes new interests.
Next time someone invites you to do something you think doesn’t interest you, ask yourself if interests or intimacy are more important to you. Think of the things they like that you don’t hate and start there. Make occasional concessions to do things you might not love just to show your friend that you are interested in spending time together and offer suggestions on things you would also like to try sometime.
Sure, you could always grab a drink or a meal, and I recommend that you do sometimes, but friendships that are all talk or all play don’t seem to be as rewarding or as lasting than those that have more balance because you enjoy things together as well as just enjoying each other. You definitely don’t want to end up in a situation where you dread spending time with someone because of the activity and not because of them.
That said, if you have a friend who will not step outside of their own interests, and you cannot find a way to show interest in those things, perhaps you are just not compatible as close friends. That sucks, but it is ok. We can’t be friends with everyone. What it boils down to is that it doesn’t have to be interests versus intimacy. Hopefully one will help build the other. If you always choose interests you may be lonely and if you always choose intimacy you may be bored. Try and foster both even when it takes a little more effort than usual. It should be worth it and who knows, you might have fun along the way in unexpected ways!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
