Have you ever found that sometimes the people you feel drawn to the most are the ones who ultimately end up leaving you scarred? I have definitely noticed a pattern in my friendship flings, whereby they start suddenly and burn brightly. On reflection that should be the first warning sign that a friendship is going to be a fling, but as always I am drawn like a moth to the flame. Although it is fast and furious, I can’t deny that this instant connection, chemistry if you will, feels good.
These people often make me laugh the hardest and the loudest. We enjoy the exciting and the mundane together and we instantly feel like we are old friends despite having just met! Red flag, I know! In my defense, rose coloured glasses make it hard to see those, ok?! Lol To be fair to the others, I know they also leave burned by the experience. I am not a victim to this, I actively participate in these flings!
They are exciting and exclusive. Either because we have connected about something that not many people experience or understand, or because there is some other secret, drama or sense of false intimacy. Sometimes it is just exciting because they are excited about you. Not too many people my age prioritize friendship or get excited about it. Not very many at all are in similar circumstances. Most people honestly seem to find me dull, so when I meet someone who likes me, seeks my time and attention on a regular basis, I am easily swayed. Maybe they are too?
Sometimes this leads us to stay for the things we feel the person offers or represents, rather than who we are as people. I am good at seeing people, making them feel heard and understood. So people who feel overlooked are often drawn to that. I live a happy but not particularly interesting life, and perhaps that means I am drawn to drama. We are attracted to each other for unhealthy reasons, and become easily addicted and quickly bad for one another.
I have had friends who liked what I offer more than who I am. Friends who like the idea that I don’t work because I could be useful in helping them with errands, children, pets, organising things and generally offering other acts of service. (Note this is not a love language of mine, and I am not good at it.) Obviously that situation sours quickly as they feel I promise the world. Truth is I promised nothing and in the end that is probably exactly what I delivered! Lol Some friends have liked the idea of me, that I’d be available whenever they were and again found themselves disheartened that I couldn’t lend myself to their schedule to plug the holes in their lives. Others thought I must have money and were keen to cash in for the ride. We are hardly rich and anyway, I am pretty frugal!
That’s not to say I didn’t have my motives. Never having been a cool kid, sometimes I am drawn to the dark and dangerous. The outgoing smart and cool. Everything I think I am not. A behind the scenes look into a club I have been denied access? Living vicariously through my single friends, and comparing with my coupled ones? I have also been disappointed at what was failed to be delivered, lack of time or effort or whatever it was that I expected that wasn’t forthcoming? Adoration perhaps? My ego is bigger than I care to admit.
A part of me perhaps always looks to find the diamond in the rough. Invests in potential, and continues throwing good money after bad instead of cutting my losses. I suspect we both do this. Because these flings, they do have potential. The ingredients are there if we would just let them settle and simmer. It burns out because in our excitement we turn the heat up too high and forget that the tortoise always wins the race.
Interestingly, I think I can tell which friendships are NOT flings although I struggle to identify the ones that are. They still have the level of interest and effort, but at a much slower and less intense pace. It’s not that I like these people less (perhaps they do like me less though) it’s just that our chemistry doesn’t insist on speed.
To be honest I like friendship flings. I don’t like when they end, and they always do end, but I suspect although I now know what to call them and how to recognise them, I will still engage in them. They are fun. They are for a good time not a long time. They are not bad people even if they are bad for me. Maybe next time I can try a medium heat instead of a simmer, and maybe try to increase the heat a tiny bit on my other connections too.
To all my friendship flings, I’m sorry we were bad for each other, but I’m glad we met. You shaped part of me and showed me things I wouldn’t have seen without you. It was fun while it lasted! I hope you found some long time friends too! Sorry I wasn’t one of them.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
