If friendship is a ship, then who is the captain? When things begin, I picture a serene scene, the popular children’s melody row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream” comes to mind! The friendship is a lovely row boat and both parties easily and happily row along. Each person puts in equal effort, you both know the rhythm, and the direction is clear. The skies are clear and you are totally in sync.
No one person is necessarily steering the vessel. You are a team. When one of you needs to rest, the other takes the oars, then you may swap for a while before you come back in tandem. You energise each other, discuss the navigation plan and reassure one another that you know how to go the distance. If there are any waves along the way, you hold onto each other and enjoy the ride.
As a big fan of the show Air Crash Investigation, also known as MAYDAY in the USA, I know that in the cockpit the pilot and the co-pilot are a team. Although technically the pilot pulls rank, both pilots share responsibilities and are both capable and qualified to fly the plane. It isn’t until they find themselves in stormy weather, literally and metaphorically that the rank and responsibilities really matter. The pilot is ultimately in control, and can say “I have control.” This means the pilot has removed the co-pilot from the controls and is flying solo. The pilot is making the decisions and is the only one directing the aircraft. Whatever the outcome, the accountability stops with the pilot. Sure, the co-pilot still offers suggestions and helps monitor the conditions, but ultimately the pilot can override them!
There is no such structure in place when it comes to the friendship vessel. So when the dark clouds start rolling in over the sunshine, and the stream seems to become a deep dark ocean, it can feel completely overwhelming to navigate. Anyone who has ever experienced a fri-ENDING can probably relate. As is evident by my wording, there isn’t really a friendship equivalent of breaking up terminology. How can we begin to discuss things when there isn’t even words to describe the experience?
In my experiences, when the seas get rough both people in the friendship vessel attempt to take control. Both believe that they know the way out of the storm, that if the other person would just give up control and go along with their plan that the friendSHIP wont sink! Unfortunately, with the lack of terminology comes a lack of communication and a lack of trust. Neither party wants to sit back and follow the plan of the other person. One person may feel it is best to take some space, to stop rowing. Float out to sea, wait until the storm passes and navigate a new plan from there. The other person might think that is a terrible plan. The shore is just out of reach, but if they fight, if they row hard enough, they can make it to dry land. We all know if only one person is rowing you’ll simply go around in circles until you eventually start taking on water.
I have been in a situation where I wanted to give up, take space and float out to sea, but my friend convinced me to fight. While I can’t say we made it to where she hoped we would, and we did take on water, we didn’t sink, we swam! Our friendship is still close, although I think we swam to a deserted island. We have learned how to survive there but in order to thrive we’d need to get back in the boat and start rowing again. At this point we have decided to rest and make the most of our time here.
I have been in a situation where I wanted to take space. To stop rowing, to float and conserve energy for the long journey that would lie ahead if we ever recovered. My friend didn’t disagree. She crafted her own boat from supplies and abandoned ship. We floated in our separate directions for a few years. Ironically, despite going our opposite directions, we ended up in the same place again, and decided we should join forces once again and row back to shore. It was a long journey, but we did eventually make it back to the stream in which we started.
I have been in a situation where I wanted to call it quits, and my friend wanted to fight. She was rowing us so hard in circles she was making a whirlpool and we were both going to get sucked in. I didn’t have the desire or the energy to fight, so we got sucked under the current and drowned.
All of those situations I wanted to stop rowing. That has been the most effective strategy for me thus far, however that’s not to say there haven’t been times when I wanted to fight and they wanted to push me overboard! Those situations didn’t work out any differently to the ones above where we weren’t on the same page and couldn’t agree on a strategy.
The most challenging situation so far was when we both agreed we needed to stop, wait and float, but somehow we couldn’t get in sync again. Our ideas of the pace were different, I wanted to completely stop rowing and float, but she wanted to row, in small imperceptible movements, to conserve energy but still attempt some form of directional control. While I thought we were on the same navigational page, it turns out, we were not. I had become a dead weight and after a while she could no longer pull us both. She had to get back to safety at all costs and that meant she had to push me overboard.
Luckily I can swim! Lol Seriously though this experience has taught me that taking space and floating, or rowing against the current is only effective if you are both doing the same thing. In future I will have to make more effort to fight, to mirror my friends when they are fighting, to match their pace. I will have to surrender control and become the co-pilot. Ultimately I cannot control the outcomes either way, unless I know I want to let us sink. I don’t want to be a dead weight anymore, because that deserted island is better than drowning if I can make it there. And if we drown then at least we drowned trying!
Do you think you can surrender control of your friendSHIPS?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
