“The fight-or-flight response (also called hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon. – Wikepedia.”
Although the fight or flight response relates back to human survival, it does not appear to stop there. I have experienced it many times in my life, and at no real point was my survival in question. I remember being told as a child to fight my attacker, should there ever be cause to do so, to target the eyes and run.
Yet I also remember vivid nightmares about the subject, where I was running in slow motion. I remember the time the neighbours big black Great Dane who escaped and eyed me, with what I remember as red eyes in the alleyway by my house. Perhaps that was an overactive imagination about the eyes, but I did not run away despite the fact that I was indeed frightened.
Why, I wondered did I not seem to experience fight or flight the way other people did? I mean I wanted to choose flight. If I had the courage I’d be a flighter for sure! Lol But yet I always seemed frozen. To the point that if I saw a “suspicious looking” car drive by when I was in my front garden, I would pretend to be a statue. I’m sure it was very convincing! That seemed to be my only reaction.
In exploring my tendency to withdraw at conflict in friendships later in life – I can see that I am still suffering with the same affliction! It seems I am not alone. In researching it a little further, it turns out the reason I feel frozen, is because I literally am! There is a third component to the fight or flight reaction, according to this website (http://sanctuaryweb.com/TheSanctuaryModel/THESANCTUARYMODELFOURPILLARS/Pillar1SharedKnowledge/PEOPLEUNDERSTRESS/PsychobiologyofTrauma/Fight-Flight-Freeze.aspx) and it is Freeze.
According to research it shows if the person feeling threatened sees no chance of survival no matter if they fight or run, then the prolonged threat causes the chemicals to build up and slow the heart rate. We freeze in fear. It is said to sometimes “simulate death, so a predator loses interest.”
As this is not a science blog, but a friendship one, I wanted to relate this back to my own experiences with conflict in friendship. I have noticed a tendency on my part to form friendships with assertive, confident individuals. These people have directly told me of my shortcomings as a friend. If a joke I made upset them, or they didn’t like the way I spoke to them, or I let them down in some way. Although I am quick to apologise to these people, it causes me to become afraid of them after that. Although they did not walk away from me, I perceive it as a threat.
This will cause a withdrawn response from me, whereby I feel frozen. I want to keep the person in my life, however I am aware that I am upsetting them in some way and do not want to repeat the experience. This tension builds up over time. Eventually, as can be expected in all friendships the other party will do something to upset me too. Except I will be unable to directly express it the ways they did. I will feel that if I bring it up, they will get mad at me for being angry at them, and they will be defensive, and not apologetic. (This may or may not be fair, it is just how I feel.) Basically, because I already felt they were on the verge of rejecting me, I think that this will be the end. As a result that fight or flight kicks in. I don’t want to fight. It isn’t my natural inclination. I also don’t want to flight. I like the person although they have upset me. This leaves me with nowhere to go doesn’t it. As I feel death of the friendship is the only imminent result, I totally freeze.
I would rather walk away and admit defeat than have an ugly confrontation where the other person rejects me. In doing this though, my friends who have a stronger fight reflex feel I didn’t care enough to fight. Yet it wasn’t that at all. I felt totally incapable – frozen in fear. Even if my friend’s own response is flight not fight, I will do nothing to prevent her leaving. Perhaps this is why I have a tendency to play dead until the other party “Loses interest.”
I intend to bring this up with my psychologist and work on it. However that wont be an easy overnight fix. I can speculate that bullying from an early age was at least partly responsible for this distrust of my peers. Especially so in female bullying, which is more relational. People pretend to be your friend so they can learn your secrets and weaknesses and use them against you! My only defense has been a strong poker face and denying them the satisfaction of knowing that they got to me.
Having a history of broken friendships that started at a young but impressionable age (for varying reasons (– one was older than me and went off to high school and lost interest in a friendship with a “kid.” A few moved away. Others wanted more adventurous friends, prepared to smoke and drink. A few fought with me over goodness knows what. The rest were socially influenced because I was far from the cool kid.) I can understand where this fear comes from, and that each time a friendship fails I am reopening old wounds, and reconfirming that friendships are both fragile and fickle, and in reality not made for me.
If you have a friend who appears to be frozen, my best advice to you is try to defrost her with warmth and caring and reassurance of your friendship. Not fire! Hopefully in time, she too will seek guidance on relating in healthier ways in the future.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
