I like chatty people. The kind who overshare about the details of their lives quickly and easily. Their lives always seem so interesting and if I’m honest, I rely on them sometimes to keep up the conversation. Any time there is a lull in conversation I have a few back up questions I can usually fall back on that will happily keep them chatting about themselves.
However I also know this attitude quickly leads to one sided friendships, whereby there isn’t room for me to exist. I simply become a passive listener, and while I offer a great deal I don’t get much back. (Or vice versa if my friend employs a similar strategy!) I have touched on my inability to share before. I like to be asked before I will open up. I like to feel like my friends know me, listen to me and remember details about things I shared. If they ask, I will be an open book. Mostly.
If I have been let down before by a friend who didn’t listen or support me in the ways I hoped, I often wont open up again. Once bitten twice shy I suppose. However that really only applies to the things that are closest to my heart. While my chatty friends will often disclose their deepest darkest secrets, they can also happily fill the silence with the latest updates on their car service, what they had for breakfast and the latest specials at the shops. It dawned on me recently that I rely on questions to carry the conversation, when what I could be doing is offering up and sharing more of myself.
Funny that I hadn’t connected the dots there before, that the very thing I like about other people is something I fail to deliver. I know myself well enough to know that I find it hard to open up about issues close to my heart without being invited to share. However, there is nothing to stop me from thinking about the little details of my life worth sharing.
I think part of this block pertains to self esteem, and not thinking that my life is interesting enough for conversation. Sure it’s not thrilling that recently I went to the dentist , did the grocery shopping and was short changed my rewards points, and was involved in a minor car accident, but it’s better than watching paint dry or making my friend feel interrogated by a thousand questions.
It will take a little practise on my part, and some preparations before a catch up to make a little mental note (or even an actual note in my phone) about the small details of my life that might be interesting to share. I do try not to drone on about the children to people who don’t have kids for example, but stating that I have much organising to do for my son’s transition to high school, or that I had to bake 30 cupcakes for the fete seems acceptable.
I have no reason to believe my own news is any more or less interesting than anyone else’s. I do know that part of my aversion is that small talk of this nature feels somewhat like a barrier to closeness. That said, it’s a start. A step to practise creating room for myself to participate equally in conversation and give my friend a break from talking too!
Some things to think about if you also struggle with conversations
“What was the highlight of your week?”
“What are you looking forward to next week?”
“Did you do anything out of the ordinary recently?”
“Did you see any movies or theatre productions or shows?”
“Are there any hobbies, projects or goals you have been working on?”
Remember it doesn’t matter how small or mundane, sometimes the little things make a big difference. A friend recently told me she gave herself permission to throw away all the single socks in the house and just buy new ones. Not only was it amusing and true, it made me think about my own sock situation and give myself permission to do the same!!
What small things have come up in conversation that made a big difference to your life?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
PS Don’t forget next Thursday 13th Feb is GALentines/PALentines day! Hope you find meaningful ways to celebrate!
Maybe the most meaningful conversations start out as little meaningless ones. Just talking at all is a good start.