When we are in school, we tend to make friends pretty much the same age as us. As school starts so young, it is no surprise that we are drawn to our peers. We don’t expect a 4 year old to have anything in common with a newborn or a 12 year old or for them to be interested in each other. We spend on average 14 years in the schooling system alone, alongside these people. Many of us then go on to further study, where we might well meet more new friends, however most of those new people are likely to be in our age range too.
It isn’t really until we branch out on our own into the world, working and joining communities or interest groups that we are suddenly thrust into environments where we are expected to make friends with people much older or more experienced than ourselves. People with whom we don’t immediately see any common ground. People we may judge and equally may often judge us in return. It can be a rude awakening from the cliquey world of peers from which we have emerged, although often a welcome reprieve too.
When you first find yourself surrounded by people older than you, it seems unlikely that friendships will develop, however just like school, you end up spending more time with these people than your friends and family, and get to know each other beyond initial assumptions you start to see the real value in friends of different ages.
These are the people that round your personality, expose you to wider world views and help you grow and learn about life and yourself. They are the ones guiding you through real life experiences and sharing knowledge that only experience brings. Introducing you to hobbies, beliefs, mucic, food and goals you may never have considered before. The people you initially thought you would have nothing in common with can fast become your mentors and friends.
As you get older yourself, you also start to enjoy friendships with people younger than yourself too and experience the same curiosity about what is new these days for the younger crowd, and enjoy living vicariously and offering support and advice as they navigate life. That’s not to say they can’t enlighten or support you too. They certainly do, as fresh perspectives of young people not weighed down by the worries of the world sometimes offer a simple perspective that cuts through the grease and gives you permission to think about yourself.
The problem with age gaps in friendships doesn’t seem to present as much as an issue as the stages of life people are in. People in their teens and 20’s lives are generally all about themselves. They enjoy a freedom many of the rest of us envy. They’re up for after work drinks and dinners every night and only have to think of themselves financially. They’re often dating and partying. People in their 30’s and 40’s lives tend to be more family focused. These are the people who don’t have time for themselves, they’re busy raising young families, and paying off mortgages and establishing careers. These people are the ones who are the closest in age to the youngest people, however probably have the least in common. People in their 50’s and 60’s are rediscovering their freedoms, enjoying the most perks of responsibility and freedom. They’re experienced, established, confident and comfortable. They pave the way for the rest, leading by examples and experiences, both positive and negative. These are the people who understand how it is to be in the other stages in life and offer unique perspectives and supports based on real experiences. People in their 70’s and above are starting to retire and slow down. They have more time than most of the other age ranges, but can sometimes struggle with ways to fill that time.
Ironically this probably makes them the most compatible with the youngest group, however once they are out of the workforce, exposure to new younger generations becomes limited. These are the people with the most patience and understanding because they have been there and done that!! However this is easily the most isolated group.
When we make friends in our 30’s for example with other parents, we have so much in common, even if we are in our mid 40’s and they are in early 30’s. However as the children grow and go their separate ways, you may find these friendships fade too, because what you had in common was all that held you together. Similarly when you leave the workforce to retire, the friends you held there tend to fade too, as you realise what you shared in common may have been more the environment rather than interests.
That’s not to say these friendships between the generations cannot last and prove meaningful, of course they can, but we must be patient and understanding of each other and our stage of life, and really make the effort not to let those stages dictate our friendships.
Just like any other friendship it takes work, we must make concerted effort to stay in touch, show we care and be there for one another. To not be judgmental or condescending or try to tell each other how to live your lives, instead trying to be understanding and kind.
Not all friendships were made to last though and that is ok. So enjoy the friendships you have, and be sure to keep an open mind about people from all stages and people of all ages. We all have value and something to offer, and can all learn from one another. You’ll probably be surprised when you realise the misconceptions you might hold turn out just to be barriers between yourselves and others.
And remember, we all go through all the stages, so be kind and respectful and look for similarities you can learn from instead of differences you can’t understand. In both directions.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
