Happy Valentines Day to you all!!! What better day to talk about giving and receiving love? I have posted here a few times before about Gary Chapman’s love languages, so it is no secret that I am a fan of the concept, applied to relationships and friendships equally. My own language is quality time. For me, this seems the obvious and best way to give and receive love. I have noticed though, most of my friends do not seem to speak my language, most of them seem to speak acts of service. This is a problem for me, as these 2 things seem to be on the opposite end of the spectrum.
While I crave togetherness, my friends crave my assistance from afar. Acts of service often take place instead of time together. Examples, picking something up from the shops for someone who can’t make it there themselves, or babysitting someone’s child, or watering their plants while they are away. These are all acts done at a distance. Show me you love me when I am not actually with you. As someone who values time enjoyed together, these acts deplete me easily and I am going to go so far as to say they leave me feeling used.
Of course, if the person in question meets my need for quality time, I have more fuel in the tank to handle the the amount of emotional energy that is depleted with these acts, however I do tend to find that people who prefer acts of service tend to be avoidant and very busy, so for them quality time comes off as a needy quality and is the language they speak the least fluently. Quality time is the only love language that requires reciprocity, you cannot give it without receiving it, it must be mutual.
I think some of my friends get confused about my language and they focus more on the time than the quality. They feel if they spend time with me more frequently, my need will be met just by seeing their face. I definitely need people who are present in my life. I am not a fan of the friendships that “pick up where they left off no matter how long it has been.” I understand they have merit and worth, but if all my friendships were like this I would not be fulfilled. That said, I could see you everyday and still not feel fulfilled if the time is not quality time.
People are busy. I understand that, so I appreciate any time someone can carve out for me, even if it is just an hour. However if my friend spends that hour cleaning her house, making phone calls, playing games on her phone, or preparing dinners for the week for example, I will feel like the quality aspect of the time was lacking. I also don’t consider tagging along to do grocery shopping, or running other errands to be quality time. I do understand that you can’t expect quality time EVERY time your friend spends time with you, however I find it doesn’t take long before my love tank is empty. The core of the issue is that I don’t feel they are making time for me, to stop whatever else they are doing and connect, merely asking for company if not assistance with whatever else they were going to be doing anyway.
To counteract this, I tend to be proactive in arranging activities for my friends and I to enjoy. I am happy to book us a meal, a massage, a show, a movie, or any other fun ways I can think of to spend some quality time together. Quality doesn’t always mean attention to me specifically, but attention away from the day to day. If we share a meal for an hour then I will happily accompany you to the shops for another hour, although it doesn’t have to be tit for tat.
I also feel the ways in which we feel loved are not always the same ways in which we express love. As I am learning, we need to express love in the native language of our friend, and trust that they will do the same. (Although this has not always consistently been my experience.) However I know I have a few languages in which I am more comfortable showing love to my friends. Words of affirmation is probably top of my list of ways to show love. Of course I am always willing to give quality time, however that feels more like an attempt to receive than to give, so that is a tricky one. I also use gifts to show love. I am less fluent in physical affection and acts of service.
I know that my friends who speak acts of service also show love in this way. They are happy to help if they can and will usually be the first to offer. Unfortunately acts of service aren’t something I seek regularly and I don’t feel loved when someone offers to pick up milk for me when they are at the shops. Equally my friends don’t feel loved when we spend quality time, they feel annoyed that I would ask for the one thing they never seem to have – time.
Does this make us incompatible? On the surface, I suppose it does, yes. However, I think we could all benefit from knowing what our languages are. Ask yourselves, how do I feel loved? How do I express love? (Good to ask yourself twice, once in relation to romantic relationships and again for platonic ones) Then we should ask the people important to us how THEY feel loved and share with them how we do. If you’re not sure what your language is, take Gary Chapman’s Quiz to find out.
Perhaps my friends don’t realise that I don’t feel loved when they perform acts of service, because that is the way they express love? Or that I don’t feel I am showing love when I perform acts of service, because they do feel loved by it? I think it would help them to know that I would rather sit and talk (phone free) for one hour than spend all day tagging along at the shops. This might lead to better negotiations and compromises?
It’s worth a try I think. So let’s all make it a conversation we have with the people we love. We can’t speak the same language if we don’t start with general knowledge of what languages it is that we are speaking and seeking!
Hope you all had a fabulous GALentines/PALentines Day yesterday and are feeling the love this Valentines Day!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
