Although many people have encouraged me to go and study to become a therapist, let me assure you I am not a therapist. Human emotions and interactions fascinate and intrigue me, and I love to talk about them. Relationships and friendships present so many complicated issues which I enjoy discussing. I love bouncing theories off others and speculating for the thought processes behind certain actions, to try and understand different perspectives and how they influence us.
As a result of this most of my friends are deep thinkers. Many of us are over thinkers. We can talk for hours about life, mainly about our relationships with other people and trying to make sense of nonsense. We feel connected to one another in this way and show each other caring by participating in discussions that are very important to us. Showing an interest in someone’s struggles is a bonding exercise, and being there to support one another forms a massive basis for the foundations of our connection.
Sometimes that means we will be talking all night, then again everyday for the next week or more. Relationship issues often feel urgent, and when we talk it out with our friends, we feel as though we are coming towards a solution, venting…. Doing something instead of nothing. However, often times, nothing is exactly what we are doing. We are looking for ways to stay in something we know we should not stay in. Or we are looking for our friends to validate that our actions or expectations are reasonable. We are looking for someone to agree that how we feel is understandable. We might be looking for perspectives we hadn’t considered so we can justify poor actions (theirs or our own) and we are looking for someone to tell us it will all be ok.
Friends are great at that. Friends are free, and can usually give you longer than an hour. Friends are definitely a benefit to our mental health, when they connect, care, listen and understand us. All that said, friends also sugar coat things, let things slide, and often allow or even encourage you to stay stuck. Not through any malice, but because as it stands they see no reason for you to change – your connection with them is strong. Not to mention that our friends tend to see us through rose coloured glasses to an extent.
Friends are not indifferent though. Friends have their own lives, and at times their own agenda’s. They are not trained, and probably don’t know how to properly advise you. As someone who friends tend to lean on heavily for mental support, I often end up letting them down. I offer more support than I can sustain long term and burn myself out trying to be there for my friends. While the energy starts off sparking connection, it often ends up consuming it.
Perhaps that is because I tend to support my friends without asking for the same support in return. Or perhaps it is because I grow tired eventually of the same conversation. Or perhaps it is because my friendships are so support based that we often don’t counterbalance the heaviness with enough fun and laughter. It is probably all these things and more. But mainly it is because I am not a therapist. I am a friend.
We don’t always want to listen to someone who wont help themselves. We don’t always want to be available 24/7 to someone who only calls when they have problems and never asks how you are. We start to wonder if the person likes us for who we are or for the support that we offer? We start to question if they realise that we have lives outside of them that require our time and attention? We start to feel drained because it feels as if we are giving more than we are receiving. Even if they are listening to us in equal measure, we can start to associate them with the drama’s and problems we sometimes want to escape.
Sure, we can’t drink wine and plot fantasy revenge on our ex with our therapist and friends are good for that. Seriously though if you feel stuck, if you are consumed and unsure what to do, you need to seek the help of a professional. You need to value their advice even when they didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear the way your friends always do. Sometimes we need to face hard truths, and at the end of the day we need to get through things on our own.
Don’t let your friendship get so heavy it sinks. Sometimes you don’t even realise you’re drowning the people who are trying to save you, and they are too far under to tell you often until it is too late.
Friendships supplement therapy, they aren’t enough to substitute it. Be careful not to use your friends as therapists, or you might end up paying the price for the free advice.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Just remember to take drunk advice sparingly!