Last week we discussed leaning too heavily on your friends for emotional or psychological support. That lead me to think about the frequency of communication between friends, and how often is considered normal.
I have a few friends who I talk to pretty much every day. Some I speak to weekly, others on a more casual basis when one of us has something to say. I am the first to admit that I struggle with this issue, and I have lost friends because my expectations of our communication were too high, or conversely too low. It seems each person has their own idea of how often they would like to engage with a friend, and although it can be circumstantial, it can also be confusing!!!
I have had a few friends who really valued the fact that I was prepared to engage them in conversation on a daily basis. One even commented with pride that we had spoken every day since we met, and it seemed agreeable to us both. Somehow we were always engaged in one big long never ending dialogue about everything and nothing. If this friend and I didn’t speak for a morning even, the silence was palpable. It felt wrong, like there was tension if we didn’t communicate, regardless of the fact that there had been no tension in the last communication. Too close for comfort perhaps?
too much of a good thing perhaps?
While my circumstances dictate that I can engage people in this way, I have other friends who are far too busy to communicate in that way. Our communication is basically limited to arranging our next catch up and we will do our talking then. We usually don’t see each other often and the feeling that I am bothering them if I do message looms in the background. Like they want to end the conversation, quickly. Chatting seems unnatural. We probably don’t talk often enough for comfort?
Other friends communicate heaps when they are having problems, and then you might go months without speaking at all when things are going well for you both. The person with the greater dilemma in this instance initiates more communication than would otherwise arise, circumstances dictate how much time and attention you have to give each other at any given moment. Sometimes a response isn’t as important as having vented what you wanted to say to begin with.
Some friends you communicate with more on your own terms and other friends it is more on theirs. This can be quite anxiety provoking. If I have a friend who usually checks in each day and I don’t hear from them, I will start to ruminate over what I have done to upset them. This is silly because other friends can go months before I will even notice the silence, and usually I will just say “hi, how’s things, haven’t spoken to you in ages!” Added to that most of the time if a friend who is chatty goes quiet it’s because she left her phone at home or had a really busy day. Logically I know that, but part of me still panics.
For people with the time and ability to communicate daily, anything less can be anxiety provoking, and can lead people to friendship flings. These are friendships which start out hot and heavy but ultimately fizzle out or implode after a short time. Communicating daily meets their needs for time, attention, feeling liked, valued, wanted and welcomed. Unfortunately communicating daily can become forced and feel like an obligation. It is difficult to sustain and remain interested for too long. If you are someone who struggles with this, perhaps bring it up with a professional who can help you learn to have better boundaries and help you learn how to feel like you exist and matter in healthier ways.
For me, I have had to learn not to focus on how often the person talks to me and instead focus on the conversations. Do I find them rewarding, and enjoyable? Or do they leave me wanting to end them quickly and escape? To focus on quality not quantity. To communicate more in person and less in written means, although I definitely prefer the written word, it can be damaging. To speak on the phone to my friends who prefer to call. Not to engage too much in conversations when I don’t have time to do so, and to accept that my friends may not have time to talk to me much and it doesn’t mean they like me any less.
Ultimately for me, real face to face time is what I need from my friends. Regardless of how much we do or don’t communicate. So if you find yourself feeling anxious about read but unanswered messages (even though you have seen them online!!) lol or stressed about what that comment actually meant, that is a reminder you just need to spend some time with your friend if possible. (Video chat is the next best thing) because you can see their face, you can read their body language, and you can talk about way more things in the space of the same time than you could message.
Remember a hug says a thousand words and there’s nothing like laughing together to forge connections. As much as I like messaging my friends, it is much better to just see them more and talk to them less. That way we can both live life and have somethings left to say when we do see each other. It seems to be healthier and more sustainable too!!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
