Falling out with friends isn’t easy, but it happens whether we want it to or not. We can’t force everyone to agree all the time, and we can’t control their feelings or responses to things, nor what they do, say, think or feel. We all have triggers, and boundaries and values. If these lines are crossed, it can spell the end of the friendship. Sadly, this can happen when we least expect it, and even if the friendship is extremely close and or long standing.
What is not out of our control however, is what we do about it. While I am a big advocate for letting go of people who want to leave your life, I am also a believer in second chances. Not everyone who left your life should return to it, however, if you do take some time apart, you can reflect back on the friendship, how you could have been better and how you would like things to proceed in the future.
There are definitely friendships that have ended for me, that I feel should stay that way. While these endings were nothing short of heart breaking at the time, and I can look back on them and see the positives, I can either see that we had been moving in different directions for a while and the split was inevitable, or I just see no way that we could move forward positively. It’s not that I am glad those friendships have ended, I’m not. I’m just not really sad about it anymore. I have reached a place of acceptance about the way things are and I don’t feel the need to revisit things.
There was someone though, who I did still miss, still want to speak to again and with whom I felt a friendship was still possible, under the right circumstances. Question was, did she feel the same way? Had too much time passed between us in silence? Was she still hurting or angry about our split? Would she be open to communicating with me again, or would my presence after all this time be an unwelcome intrusion into her life? All these questions, and fear of the unknown held me back from reaching out to her, for over 2 years.
Still contemplating things for that long, never having reached a natural indifference about our ending, I decided to set myself a new year’s challenge to reach out to her, and blog about the results! As someone with a tendency to believe in spiritual guidance through signs from the universe, you can imagine my surprise then, when this friend popped up unexpectedly on a social media platform we both use. Although it wasn’t quite new year yet, this seemed like a sign that meant the time for action was now or never, so I sent her a request, and waited gingerly for her response.
When she hadn't responded a week later, I had to decide if I was ready to accept defeat, or contact her properly. It wasn’t an easy choice, because she hadn’t responded to my request, so it seemed likely that this was not going to work out the way I had hoped if I decided to reach out again. However, I tried to put myself in her position and thought I probably wouldn’t be too happy to accept my request either. I reflected back to a time when someone who left my life decided to zombie her way back into it, and how unimpressed I was that she felt we could just start up again as though there were no painful history there between us. So I had to assume my friend was feeling similarly. A bit like this song here, by Kate Miller Heidke! Lol (Language warning, don’t open this link loudly at work!)
My friend was so similar to me, that I had to conclude that even if she had wanted to hear from me, she probably wouldn’t be open to a reconciliation initiated by a social media request. I owed her a conversation, or an explanation at least, and I wanted her to have it. I reflected back to the advice I wrote in the past, about letting go of any expectations about the outcome or response of my friend, and just saying what I wanted to say. Maybe she would respond, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be happy to hear from me, maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she would be torn about it as I had been. I would never know if I didn’t try. Really try.
So I drafted a long email to my friend. My friend is also a blogger, so we always communicated easily via long emails. I knew the content was more important than the length. I also knew, a short “hey, how have you been?” was NOT going to suffice. After some edits and a few days, I was ready to take the plunge and send it. I chose to send it from an email I don’t usually use, although one I knew she would recognise, because I did not have access to it on my phone. I did not want to be constantly checking for her reply. I also sent it in the evening, because then I could sleep, I knew there was unlikely to be a reply before the next day. So I pressed send and put it out of my mind.
In the email I wrote that I had missed her, thought of her often and I was sorry for our parting. I acknowledged that she might not want to respond and I understood and respected that choice. I explained the reasons behind my actions in the past, and apologised for not handling things better. I stated that I would love to hear from her if she felt similarly, or had any words she wanted to share in return, however I had no expectation of our future.
I went about my business the next day feeling anxious, but lighter. You can imagine my surprise when I checked my email later that day and found her reply had come in that same night and her opening line referenced what a lovely surprise it was to hear from me. She even referenced that she knew I’d be anxiously waiting for her reply, and she didn’t want me refreshing my inbox constantly. This person “gets” me!
Our parting was painful and complicated, however we never stopped liking each other. Circumstances dictated that some time apart was necessary while we grew in different directions and she needed some space to do that. Circumstances are still complicated, and therefore I don’t know what the future holds. We have not caught up in person yet, however we have enjoyed chatting to one another online. It turns out by the time I sent her the request, she had unjoined the platform for personal reasons, and never saw my request! So what I assumed was a rejection actually was not?
Our friendship can’t be what it used to be at this time in our lives, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold value. I feel so much better to be speaking again and to have cleared the air between us. It isn’t perfect, it isn’t simple. My friend has mentioned that she thought of me too over the years and even saw me out and about in the past, without saying hello. While I understand this, and perhaps she wasn’t ready, it does trigger some insecurity in me that maybe she didn’t feel as strongly as I felt if she didn’t reach out herself. But ultimately this is semantics. Someone has to go first and this time I decided it would be me.
I am so happy I took the risk and reconnected with an old friend, and offered us both some closure, while ironically reopening the book to write another chapter.
If you are wondering about reaching out to an old friend after some time apart, the best question you can ask yourself is “Is the friendship worth the risk?” You’ll know the answer in your heart and if you hesitate that is just fear. It is a new year, face your fears. You might be happy you did.
Good Luck with your friendships in 2020 and thanks for reading.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
