Life is busy. This much is true, regardless of what your personal version of busy looks like. Some of us are too busy for schedules and routines, while others of us rely on them heavily to organise the chaos. Personally, I fall into the latter category. As my son is autistic, we run our lives with a high degree of predictability, which helps him thrive and feel safe in a world that is at large, fairly unpredictable. I have to admit though, that this works for me too, and I have at times wondered if perhaps autism is something he has inherited from me….
I wonder this because I am the first to admit that I do not like change. I’m not sure any of us really do, it seems part of the human condition that change provokes some level of fear… For me though, even small changes can be unsettling. A change in products stocked at the supermarket for example, will usually lead me into a frantic search for the product I am used to instead of simply accepting the change and trying something new. It has been brought to my attention recently that this inflexibility is crossing over into my social schedule too, and impacting my friendships in harmful ways.
I have always been open about the fact that I seem to keep around 5 close friends in my circle at any one time. Although the names on that list have varied over the years, the schedule has not necessarily varied with it. This has brought some people to question – do I value the schedule more than the friendships that are scheduled? This is worth exploring. Obviously friends are people, with their own lives, circumstances, wants and needs, all of which are prone to change over time, and all of which can impact their desire or availability for social activity. Therefore it stands to reason that being inflexible with my own schedule could write some friendships out of my life, albeit unintentionally.
As I am a stay at home parent, with school aged children, I make no apologies for the fact that those 6 hours a day when the kids are in school is my prime social time. It makes sense. My children have appointments and activities every day after school, and my husband works long hours. In the evenings is the only time we have to connect with each other. Weekends he works, and I get the house jobs and writing done. I could potentially socialise here, but this is the time when most of my friends are connecting with their own partners and extended family, so their availability for social time is limited then. In an ideal world for me, none of the 5 women would work, and they’d be available one day a week during school hours! Lol
Obviously though, that is not the world we live in. My friends do work, see other friends, and they have many appointments and errands to run, so availability, which ties in with convenience as I posted about a few weeks back, isn’t always compatible. Sometimes this impacts my own schedule. I have one friend for example who only has one day off work per week. We agreed to catch up that day, once a fortnight so she could still have the other day to see to other things and people in her life. If someone else asks me for time on that day once a fortnight, chances are I will decline. I already have a commitment to someone on that day, and I can’t move it because she doesn’t have the availability to do so, and seeing her is important to me. She does however have to cancel fairly regularly, which I understand because she is already giving me 50% of her available time. That is a big commitment so it does require me to be flexible. I am. With her anyway.
She is not the only friend with whom I have a standing social arrangement. Some friends I see weekly, others fortnightly, and some monthly. Depends on mutual availability and interest. I also have friends who I know feel repelled and trapped by the idea of a standing commitment like that, and we see each other on a more casual basis. Sometimes I am less close with these friends by default because the consistency in our interactions is lacking. That said, with other people the casual nature of our friendship suits us both because we know we couldn’t actually sustain each other for anything more. The rest may be acquaintances waiting to blossom at a later time into a more meaningful friendship.
I have been criticised for not being flexible though. Some friends would prefer a weekly catch up on a day of their choosing, depending on the week and what else they have going on. While I am willing to admit I prefer to see them on the agreed day, because I like routine, if I can accommodate the request, I will. However If I have committed to a day with someone, generally speaking, I will schedule other things on other days, leaving that agreed space free for them. How that is translating in reality is “I can see you on X day, at X time, no other time.”
This criticism goes both ways, with some people being upset that I cannot offer more or different times, and with other people suggesting they could not offer me less time either. Basically, once you have joined the roster, people feel that they cannot swap shifts, and must show up for a minimum amount of hours per week! So I can definitely see where the critique is coming from. It does feel unfair though. One friend, for example has actually held a different weekly space in my routine on every day of the week over the years, changing each time her life changes. Others have had 3 times a week, and we have pulled it back to one without upset. Some have even opted out of the schedule all together and yet maintained a connection. I can’t possibly be that inflexible? Sure, I don’t like change, but I have no choice but to accept it.
Needless to say, I am very torn by this criticism. On the one hand, of course I want to be more flexible to accommodate the changing needs of my friends, however I also feel that others often don’t value my time. As I don’t work, the common inference here is that I am choosing to be difficult, and could in fact be more flexible because social time is flexible by nature, isn’t it? Sigh. It feels like the insinuation is that I should just wait around for everyone else and not make plans for myself, so I am always available at their convenience.
Both perspectives are valid, so what is the answer? Am I using the schedule to save myself from actually making the effort on a weekly basis? Should I give up the schedule? I think perhaps, we need to discuss the schedule more regularly and openly, to make sure it still works for us both, rather than it lingering like a stale gym membership you see no way of cancelling. If the schedule is mine, I should take it upon myself to discuss it every few months with the people involved. I have definitely even been trapped by the schedule at times, so I am open to discussing the ways it can start to feel like “a rut.” I have lost friends who wanted more time, who wanted less time and friends who wanted different times that I just couldn’t accommodate….. So if the schedule itself is the issue….
I will experiment with more casual arrangements. With the new members of the circle, I will endeavour to try and arrange to see them once a month or so, by planning ahead, and conversing with them each time, while being less rigid on the times and places. I will report back on the findings of this mini social experiment and see if I am able to reach a higher level of connection without the schedule, and if I was able to maintain the effort over a sustained period. Of course it is not lost on me that my friends could also make the effort…. I hope they will… I mightn’t be the only one relying on it too heavily! Lol
Wish me luck!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Schedule time together, formally or casually, just make sure you do it.