Each year around Mother’s Day, (which is this Sunday if you didn’t know) I try and dedicate a post to my lovely mother – the only person I can say is a best friend forever rather than for never! It’s a lovely sentiment and it feels true. But honestly, my mum knows she isn’t my best friend. Sorry Mum! What I’m not sure that she does understand is that she is SO MUCH MORE than a best friend.
I have posted in the past about the fact that I don’t believe friends are the family you choose for yourself, and in that post I highlighted all the ways that friendships can sometimes be better than family. The gist of it was that friends are less invested, and so sometimes that means you can more freely be yourself with them and speak your truth without fearing reprimand. I stand by it. There are definitely things I discuss with friends I don’t discuss with my mother, and I am certain we both prefer it this way.
However, this post looks to highlight all the ways in which a mother is so much more and often so much better than a best friend. There are so many ways in which we can rely on and turn to our mothers that we probably wouldn’t dream of burdening our friends with. Using examples from my own life, this list includes:
Asking, and expecting to a degree that my mother watch my son while I was away on my honeymoon for a week. Accepting generous offers from her to pay for aspects of my wedding, financial aid when my husband was out of work and we struggled to pay his car loan, and living in their rental property for a subsidized rate until we could eventually buy it from them for below market value. Showing up at her house with our bags unannounced when we had to evacuate our place due to nearby fires. Having her by my side at the birthing classes when my son’s father neglected to show up and having her catch my son when he came into this world. The pure love on her face as she held him for the first time.
These are all ways I have depended on my mother in ways I would never ask nor expect a friend to support me. But it’s not just that kind of support mothers offer either. Mother’s are there even when you have been a bad friend to them. If you haven’t called or seen them for a while, they are gracious and joyous when they hear your voice. When you have been too busy, they understand. When you need help, they step in and when you need advice you know she only has the best of intentions for you in mind when she offers it.
My mother is the only friend I have who would probably step infront of a bus to save me, and the one I would be most likely to do the same for. She is one of the few people I feel I could not cope without, and the one I feel luckiest to still have in my life despite everything. She is the person I feel sees me the most – she knows if I look tired or if I am acting quiet or out of character. She knows if my eyes look heavy or if my naturally rosy cheeks are flushed. She knows if my voice sounds off or if I am not ok without a word.
To be honest, she is probably more in tune with me than I am with her. I might miss these subtle hints that she is not ok whereas she never fails to see things in me, often before I see them myself. And this is because she has known me my whole life whereas I have only known her for the portion of her life that made her my mother. I do not really fully understand the whole of her as a woman, as it is so tainted as her role as my mother. She is so much more than this and yet I have failed to really see and know her on the level her peers probably do. Such is the order of life I suppose.
But the beauty in this is that I see it. And I am blessed with the time to do something about it. So my mothers day gift to my mother this year is to try harder to get to know her as a woman, outside of being my mother or my father’s wife. To understand what made her the woman she is today. What memories she treasures most about her life and what lessons she took from life that she wants me to hold. What wisdom she has gained, and what was bestowed upon her by her own elders. What her hopes and dreams for her life were and if she feels she fulfilled them. What hopes and dreams she still has for her life now.
I look forward to putting the higherarchy of our pairing aside somewhat and knowing her more as she knows herself and as she wants to be known and remembered. However that higerarchy exists for good reason. She would not be expecting her friends to feed and bathe her in old age, whereas it would be a given that my love for her would extend to these acts of caring for her to repay her for my own care all the times of my life I have needed it.
As she is my mother, and I cannot and would not change it, I still care and seek her approval. I wonder if she likes my hair. I care if she says I look nice in my outfit (and I believe her as opposed to friends who are socially conditioned to be polite) and I might omit details from stories I tell her if I think she wont approve; like the prices of things for example. And she is the only friend who can demand I cover my son’s school logo on social media when he is 16 and I am long past being scared that anyone is looking to kidnap my 6 foot 2 bearded baby. Although I don’t want to change it, she is my mum, I have to listen and do what I am told. No other friend wields such power!
This post goes out to my lovely mother, my friend in many ways, but something so much more intimate and profound and special than a “Friend” or even a “best friend.” Although I look forward to growing our friendship much more this year, you will never be my best friend and I am so glad you won’t. They come and go. You and I are forever. My closest friends have a piece of my heart, but I love you with every piece of it. Always.
Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. I love you.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
Missy
xx
