Romantic Friendships; Falling in Love with Friends.

I have always written here about the similarities between romantic relationships and friendships. The parallels between the 2 types of relationships and that each of them requires time and effort and communication to make them work. I have written about queer platonic relationships, in which the 2 people typically pair up and live life as a team, rather than a couple, but are not physically or romantically involved, although there is much love between them. I have written about platonic soulmates and how I believe some of my friends are indeed soulmates.

I’ve even written about unrequited love in friendships, or requited love whereby the 2 friends take their friendship knowingly to a sexual level. Which reminds me of writing about friends with benefits. There are so many ways in which friendships can kind of combine with sexual and romantic relationships and I thought I had written about them all. But, dear readers, it turns out, maybe I have not! Coming across this article in mamamia.com.au about romantic friendships was like balm to my soul. It felt like home. A name for something I have been engaging in all my life…. And a thing that other people are also familiar with?! I encourage you to step away from my article for a moment to read this one. I hope you come back, but if you don’t, you get the gist of what I am talking about.

Romantic friendships are like falling in love. You get the same rush when their name pops up on your screen, and you are excited to see them. You communicate consistently and if you live close enough, which does tend to be a key factor in these friendships, you probably spend heaps of time together too. They are like a best friend…. But also, somehow more.

You might think these are the sorts of relationships single people engage in, to meet their needs until such times as a more intimate type of relationship comes along, but the surprising thing is, that many of the people in these relationships are actually already partnered or even married. And, I would expect, a fair few of those partners may even feel a little bit threatened by the close, intimate nature of the friendships. Not to mention other friends and family. I certainly have had people ask or assume that some of my friendships were more than I was letting on. Thankfully, my husband loves and accepts me as I am, and he doesn’t bat an eyelid at these connections I form. He’s well aware that this is something I seem to need on some level, and he isn’t worried about it. He knows and trusts that I am not unfaithful, even if I do very much love the women involved.

The thing is, with these connections, they are deep and beautiful and pure. They aren’t based on physicality or sexual attraction – they are based on who your soul is drawn to. I have never subscribed to the idea that we can only love one person at a time in any context. I’ve just never really had the language to describe the friends with whom I have definitely fallen into some sort of love.

These friends and I go on date nights, and yes, we call them date nights. We are more than comfortable sharing a room or even a bed. We happily strip down in front of one another. We talk openly about life, love, sex, problems, weird body issues, childhoods and trauma’s. Nothing is off limits. We openly communicate about how to maintain our connection and what each of us needs from the other to sustain it. We exchange I love you’s. We exchange love letters of sorts, in birthday and Christmas cards. We plan extravagant birthday celebrations for each other and go on girls nights away. We’ve met each other’s extended families. We call each other wife. We celebrate friendship anniversaries. We celebrate valentines or GALentines. These romantic friendships run similarly and simultaneously to the other relationships in our lives. Platonic or otherwise.

While these relationships are not, for me at least, physically intimate or affectionate, for many people, it wouldn’t be uncommon or uncomfortable to spoon or lay your head on the other’s lap on the couch. For me personally, it also isn’t uncommon for them to hang out with hubby and I. At home, on date nights, on anniversaries. At times most of them have even gone out with hubby alone. Or going out as a foursome, even if the partners have little in common.

One of the best things about these relationships is that they are not exclusive. So that means there is less jealousy involved. If I have more than one romantic friendship, I have to expect and accept that my platonic partners do as well. Notice, I said less jealousy. Not none. Because there is a certain level of feeling occasionally entitled to their time, attention and love, based on the history. So when you watch them fall in platonic love with another person, or when they watch you do it, feelings can and do get hurt. To be honest, as these friendships run so similarly to that between lovers, it is fair to say that sometimes we fight like lovers too.

We know exactly where all the sore points are, and exactly how far we can push each other, without going quite so far as to irrevocably damage the bond. That’s not to say, however, that sometimes we don’t break up. It does happen, and when it does, it is absolutely heartbreaking. I often think it is actually more heartbreaking than losing a lover – because your friends are the ones you turn to when that happens, so when they are the people who broke your heart and have vanished from your life, it is actually very difficult to recover from.

There is so much vulnerability and trust in romantic friendships, that violations of that trust feel like deliberate targeted attacks. They know exactly where your weak spots were, and that’s exactly where they aimed their blows. Forgiveness is not always possible. But where it is possible, it is also powerful and serves to reinforce the bond between you.

I have had friends, over the years, who have accused me of being in love with them. This always felt like an attack, someone using my sexuality against me as a weapon. But maybe they were right. Maybe I had fallen in love with them to a degree. Maybe what really bothered them was that they had fallen in love with me too. A woman. And perhaps that challenged their sexuality more than they were comfortable with. That when their other people questioned their relationship status with me, they felt awkward or embarrassed about it.

Why? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s ok to fall in love with your friends. It is normal to love them. It’s not necessarily that we stay in love with one another, just that there was an intense bonding period at the start where we did indeed fall in love. In many cases, that progresses, similar to marriage, to a deeper level of love and caring. Less exciting but stronger and more durable. Still in need of date nights and romance and communication. Still deserving of time and attention and support.

At least now I know why some people don’t understand it. They do friendships from more of a detached distance, more how I would describe a casual friend. If that works better for them, so be it. They don’t know what they’re missing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The lady who featured in the Mamamia.com.au article; Rhaina Cohen, has written a book about this concept, and presumably her experiences with it, called “The other significant others – Reimagining life with friendships at the center.” I am off to read it. I can’t wait. This is not an affiliated marketing post. I do not receive commissions or payments for articles, books or products I recommend. I only recommend the ones that speak to me, and I share them with you, because if you read my blog, you are probably just as passionate about friendships as I am. So if you want to buy her book, here’s the link. https://www.amazon.com.au/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship-ebook/dp/B0C1X7HNWP

I hope you enjoy it. Head over to my Facebook and let me know what you thought. Have you ever fallen in love with your friend in a strictly platonic sense? Tell me your thoughts and experiences? I’d love to hear them?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx