Readers, I must admit, although I have written before about favours being a big part of the fabric that holds friendships together…. I am not a big fan of this. I am not an “acts of service” love language person. For me, doing things for others at times leaves me feeling used, when my own love language of “quality time” is not being met in return.
I know some of my friends find my lack of love for favours and acts of service to be disappointing. Sometimes I am deliberately obtuse, whereas at other times offering my services genuinely does not occur to me. Where as some of my friends are quick to try and solve my problems, or show up immediately by saying “what can I do to help,” this is somehow foreign to me. Maybe that is because I don’t really enjoy asking for help myself, and I do find it difficult to receive. So when friends want to show up for me in this way, often times there really isn’t anything they can do anyway, apart from just listen to me express my thoughts and feelings about the situation at hand.
This might explain why, when friends let me in on a situation, I am quick to ask questions about it, and slower to act. It’s not that I will refuse to help if I am asked. Genuinely most of the time if I can help, then I will. That said, some people hate asking as much as I hate asking and so opportunities for connection might be missed when I don’t pick up on hints that they might be prompting me to offer. But I 100% admit that sometimes I know very well what they are hoping for and I don’t want to do whatever it is, so I choose to ignore it.
I do sometimes wonder if this makes me a bad friend, particularly if I know that friend would definitely help me if the situation was reversed. Part of my reasoning is having some degree of burnout from the consistent requests for help from my friends, because I am not working, in the past I have had friends who took that to mean I was willing and able to spend all my time and energy running errands for them or watching their kids. It isn’t fair to paint all friends with the same brush, but it does make me wary, that some people take a mile when given an inch.
I feel even worse when I am asked, and the answer is an outright no. Whether or not I can’t for some reason or another, or I just plain don’t want to. But my no is just as important as my yes, because if I say yes to someone when I mean no, resentment starts to build, which can eat away at the very fabric holding us together. When they upset me, which all friends do from time to time just like any other relationship, if my first thought is “after I did x, y and z for them, this is how they treat me” then that’s a fairly good reflection that I didn’t genuinely want to help and instead I felt it was a contractual obligation.
That’s never a good sign. And maybe that is one of the reasons I don’t like asking for help, aside from the fact that I often don’t need it, because there is nothing worse than the lord of the favours friend. This is the friend who insists on helping you, saving you, whether you asked for it or not, and then lords it over you at every opportunity. Instead of saying they were happy to help, they might say that they were so happy they could help you. They aren’t genuinely helping for the love of you, but for how it makes them feel as a person, not to mention how it makes them look to others.
This friend will be the first to tell everyone how they got out of bed at 2am to pick you up when your car broke down, or about the time they babysat your kids on your anniversary so you could go out for dinner. WITHOUT you asking them. They are also the first to remind you of everything they do for you, be it in jest, such as “you couldn’t function without me, I do so much for you.” Or be it in real terms, for example; “You wouldn’t be in the financial position you’re in if it wasn’t for me helping you pay off that loan ten years ago…” Honestly, there is nothing worse than someone who holds a favour over you like this.
Personally I know I often feel indebted to friends who do help me in big and small ways, without them lording it over me. Interestingly I am maybe less inclined to help someone who I feel doesn’t give generously genuinely but for their own gain. Sometimes I have to catch myself and ask if I am being uncharitable when I don’t want to assist someone, when their own actions float through my mind and the way they were so genuine with their assistance that really was valuable to me. And it is fair to say, at times, yes, I do find that I am being uncharitable and perhaps ungrateful, but this self-check helps me have a better attitude.
This brings me to wonder if the friend who lords favours over people feels unappreciated. As if they wouldn’t have to bring it up so often, if you would bring it up yourself! Obviously it is much nicer to wait for someone else to toot your horn than to toot your own, but if they feel you didn’t toot it loud enough, maybe they felt compelled to do it for you. I do try to be extra appreciative to anyone who does things for me, but I typically do this privately between us, and perhaps use gifts as a token of appreciation more than words of affirmation? Perhaps it is important to consider the love language of the friend doing us any favours and reward them in ways that are most meaningful to them.
Regardless of if you are like me, and struggle with acts of service, or if you are the type who is naturally inclined to be the first to offer your assistance, please remember to give from the goodness of your heart, and be kind and gracious enough to let a quiet thanks be enough, then let it go. The 2 of you know and remember it happened. If you find yourself mentioning the favour more than once or twice, question your motivations for this and be aware that it might push your friend away or stop her depending on your in the future. On the other side of the coin, let us all make more effort to show our appreciation for the friends in our lives regardless of the ways in which they show up for you. Be that in practical or emotional ways.
Friendship should be a 2 way street. It may not always be or even feel equal, but it should typically always come out evenish in the wash over time. It requires give and take. Someone is not better or worse for giving or needing help. Supporting each other is an important aspect of friendship, but handling it appropriately is also important. Each friend has their strengths and weaknesses, which is why we need more than one. Each one is valuable, none is nor should be a lord of anything!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
