In the past few posts, I have discussed being the new kid on the block and joining an stablished friend group and falling in love with friends. This post is kind of a combination of both those concepts… When you have to make room for your friend’s friend.
I haven’t been shy about my preference for one on one friendships. I enjoy the intimacy they bring, and the ability to focus with attention to detail on just one person at a time. However, it isn’t fair to say I am not a member of friendship groups entirely either. At times, I am a member of a group – because my friend’s might be more group oriented than me, and therefore consider me a member of their group of friends. Group hangouts still aren’t commonplace, and the other members of the group are people I know, but don’t consider my friends directly. I consider them friends of my friend.
The way many of you may relate to what I am trying to address here, is like when your friend gets into a new romantic relationship, and suddenly you have to make space at the proverbial table for one more plate. Even if you don’t all eat together at the same time, when you are all eating from the same dish, an extra plate naturally means there is a little less for everyone else involved. This can leave the others at the table hungry for more.
In this scenario, rather than a new romantic partner, your friend has made a new friend. The good news is that this seldom results in the all too common ditching of friends that occurs when people find a new partner…. However that does not mean that you don’t have the uncomfortable awkward feelings of jealousy, nor does it mean that you are not watching your friend fall in love with someone new. If you are the type of person who falls in love with your friends, then your friends are probably similarly inclined. Unless your friendship is exclusive and monogamous, which most are not, this leaves both of you vulnerable to the hurt that comes with feeling forgotten, replaced, and sometimes even unloved.
It’s easy to fall into a false sense of security. You might have been friends with a person for over a decade, and become comfortable with all the characters in their world. For the whole time you have known them, they may have showed no interest in making new connections with new people. You may have mistakenly believed that their roster was full, and their needs were all satisfied by yourself and the other players on their team. You have had no reason this far not to feel that way! Which means it hits you from left field when all of a sudden they can’t stop talking about their new work wife.
Initially you mightn’t be too phased about this, as you recognize the importance of the role of friendships at work. Even if your friend’s feelings seem a little intense, you reason that it is normal to be so excited and that they must’ve felt quite lonely in the office to have such a big reaction to someone new. You probably feel happy for them, even if you do feel slightly annoyed that you don’t think they talk to work wife in the same excited tone as they talk to you about her!
Then suddenly, your friend calls you in a tizzy, asking what to wear to the cool new wine bar in town, as she is meeting wifey for after work drinks. You instantly recognize this as a friend date, and have to fight the urge to give terrible fashion advice in a subtle sabotage attempt. You feel jealous. You and your friend had discussed the wine bar, and although you hadn’t explicitly said so, you thought you were going to check it out together. Not only is she going with someone else, but she didn’t even invite you. It stings as you think of them bonding over glasses and gossip, giggling.
You might try to reason that you shouldn’t be jealous. She is allowed to have other friends and you never felt this jealous of the other people she spent time with. Although you probably start to wonder if this is how they felt when you came along? Probably. You reason that it was a Monday night, and you and her never catch up on a Monday night. So it really doesn’t impact you, does it? You laugh at your childish reaction, and decide you obviously want to spend more quality time with her, that’s all. So you send her a link to a preview of a rom com that is right up your alley with explicit instructions not to see this without you. She hearts it, and you feel relieved that you will be seeing her soon, just the 2 of you. So you’re shocked when she asks if Saturday night is ok, and when you agree, she says she will ask wifey to come along.
You know you can’t say you were hoping it was just going to be the 2 of you, because your friend is already gushing about how much you are going to love wifey. But you already don’t like her, and actually consider telling them you’re sick on the night so you don’t have to feel like a third wheel on your own friend date. Sigh. You know you need to get it over with sooner or later though, so you go along, and it is exactly as you feared. Your friend is in the middle, but she keeps exchanging looks and whispering to wifey. They have all these private jokes about people at work that you don’t know and you wonder why you came at all.
Readers, it is hard watching your friend fall in love with someone new, regardless of the context. However, when it is a friend rather than a lover, sometimes this means the things you and your friend did together as a duo are threatened. You might ask her if she wants to get tickets to the new musical in town, only to find she already has tickets with wifey, or that your twosome is fast becoming a threesome weather you like it or not. The only way it is returning to a duo is if you aren’t there. Wifey seems to be a permanent fixture in the rotation and it is like it or lump it.
So what can you do? I think the only thing you can do here is accept it. If you can’t embrace it and just join in with them until you all have private jokes and you also have a strong connection with wifey…. Then your only other option is to scoot over and make some room for her. Which will mean giving up some of your time and your activities with your friend, so that the new friend can also spend quality time. This is going to leave a bit of a hole in your own life and your own schedule, but the best way around this is new hobbies and new friends for you as well.
Everything changes eventually. Nothing stays the same. Try not to look too hard at what you’re losing and look at the possibilities that lay before you. As a knock on effect, now it is your turn to fall in friendship love all over again. It’s unlikely you’ll regret it in the long run. In theory, either way it goes, you aren’t so much losing a friend as you are gaining a new one.
Everything you feel is normal. It’s ok that you felt jealous. It just means you love your friend. Sharing is hard. But sharing is caring. If you can’t share, you will end up with nobody to play with at all.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
