In recent conversations with the women in my world with work wives, the issue of loyalty has come up a lot lately. Work wives make the workplace a better, more enjoyable place, surely nobody is disputing that, not even me. However, as much as you undoubtedly love your work wife (or husband as the case may be) it can be tricky to know where the boundaries lie.
In one case, both parties have been encouraged to apply for a promotion, which would lead to significant amounts of money, not to mention status. While the 2 friends have always shared ideas, collaborated on projects, and boosted each other up to the seniors as often as possible… suddenly they find themselves competing. Does hoping that you get the opportunity over your friend in this situation make you a bad friend? A bad person? If your friend is still giving you ideas, can you trust them? Both of you might have dirt on each other. Will anyone play dirty?
Then there is the situation where one person does get the promotion over the other, and regardless of how they won the competition between you…. Suddenly you find that they are your boss…. And the dynamics between you shift. No longer free for gossip by the water cooler, your work wife suddenly find herself schmoozing with the higher ups and has the unfortunate task of telling you what to do, and perhaps even worse…. Pulling you up on your mistakes or shortcomings. Are you a bad friend if you resent this shift in power? Are you allowed to feel jealous or resentful? If you do feel that way, does that mean you are selfish?
In the same situation, if the new boss is more lenient with you based on a previous connection with their friend, is that fair? If they don’t do it because they are concerned about potential backlash for themselves for favouritism, does that mean they don’t care about their friend’s feelings anymore? And if they do reprimand their friend, will the friendship be over?
In another case, both people work in the same team, doing the same tasks, separately. Despite the close personal friendship between them, person A thinks person B is actually not very good at their job. Should they say so? Is it even their place to say so? Is it a lie to support someone with deliberately vague language so as to be careful not to agree with them when they are pulled up on their mistakes by management? Now consider the situation that you are suddenly put on a project together for the first time. The project is one your friend has worked on and it is a mess. Riddled with mistakes and poor quality notes or research. Some of it cannot be corrected or redone. You have to work with what she has already done, like trying to polish a turd! Is it disloyal of you to take it to the boss and point out that the work quality so far has been poor, because otherwise they will think both of you are bad at your job? You can’t afford to lose your job, and nor do you want to, when you are actually good at it. Should you take the fall for her incompetence?
If your friend gets fired for poor performance, and it was you who drew attention to this, is it disloyal of you not to tell her that you had a hand in her dismissal. Should you keep in touch? Even if you should, will you? Is it your responsibility to help her find a new job…. Or are you only appeasing your guilt?
In the final situation that has arisen, both women are single, both have developed a crush on the same male co-worker, and both have been flirting with him. The women have gossiped and giggled amongst themselves about how cute he is, and expressed interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, despite the fact that this is very much against company policy. They have discussed that they would never fight over a man, and agreed to let him decide if he is interested in either of them. They said they would be happy for each other no matter the outcome. During an after work drinks event with their colleagues, but not the bosses, one of the women sits staring at her friend and the beau in question flirting away. Despite what they have agreed, she is hurt and upset that her friend is blatantly stealing his affections right in front of her. Her friend notices that she is watching but does not stop monopolizing his affections and does not invite her into the conversation with him. Later in the evening, when she notices him going to the bathroom, she follows. She reasons this is her only chance to speak to him without her friend being present, and see how he feels about her. She kisses him in a dark corner of the bar where nobody can see.
Her friend does not know that they kissed. Should she confess? Both women feel secure in the fact that she is in the lead for his attention. Should she tell her friend that she felt jealous of their flrting? Is it disingenuous to pretend to be happy for her friend that they were flirting all night? Should her friend mention that she saw that sour look on her face while she watched them all night? Did either of them do anything wrong? Were they disloyal to each other?
The truth is, humans are selfish creatures at heart. Perhaps all species are. We are all just trying to survive, and to be happy, healthy and wealthy. We all have different limits, morals, judgements, assumptions, thought processes and feelings about things. In this way, loyalty is subjective. For most people, once you push them past a certain point, self preservation kicks in. It’s never easy to take accountability. Nobody is necessarily wrong or right in these examples. Nobody is breaking the law or committing adultery etc… they’re more grey areas. At the end of the day loyalty is earned, and the minute someone decides the cost of it for themselves is too high, I think you’ll find it will break. It will only stretch as far as they can handle the pressure.
We all want loyal friends and we all strive to be loyal friends, so we need to make sure the loyalty we are asking friends for doesn’t come with a hefty price tag for them, as it’s unlikely they will pay the price for you at their own expense. Be warned that loyalty is elastic, and it will only stretch so far in most cases before it breaks…. And when it does, the friendship is at risk of breaking with it if we had unrealistic expectations.
When a friend is disloyal to you, before you react, ask yourself what you would have done if you were in their position, under their circumstances. You might find you would’ve done exactly the same thing. Keep your expectations in check!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
