People Pleasers – Friend or Foe?

A few of my friends are as flaky as pastry. They are consistently late, if they show up at all. They make lame excuses to get out of plans and often expose their own lies by mistake later when they forget what they lied about to get out of said plans in the future. Rolls eyes. They know I find this endlessly frustrating. Which, to be fair, only adds cause for them to lie in the first place I suppose. Because it is hard to be mad at someone if the cancelled plans is because their grandmother is sick, as opposed to they double booked themselves and would rather do the other thing than your thing.

But what these friends do have in common is that they are people pleasers. This makes them extremely popular because it means they are “yes” people. Yes, they would love to come to your kid’s recital, yes, they will be able to pick up their mother’s dry cleaning after work, and yes, they’d love to go camping with Tim on the same night as your kid’s recital.

For starters, while they are convincingly enthusiastic, they certainly could think of nothing more boring than said recital, they are resentful at their mother for not washing her own clothes if she can’t pick them up herself and they hate camping. You wouldn’t know this, because you believe their enthusiasm, but when you stop to think about it, it really makes sense. The problem is multifaceted.

My friend who is a people pleaser is a good friend. She helps when she can even when she doesn’t want to. We have a great time together when she shows up even if she is always late and we have a good balance of banter versus deeper comfortable conversation. For this reason, I decided to share with her what I had observed about her people pleasing ways.

I was surprised by the relief and rush of emotions that followed. Someone had seen not only her failure but her effort. She felt heard and validated and understood. She explained that she wants to be useful to people and is worried saying no will result in people leaving, although they always inevitably leave anyway. She was also open to hearing why people leave and could understand the effect this was having on herself and her relationships.

This particular friend has a heavy burden of serving her family. It leaves little time for much else. As these are the people least likely to abandon her, it seems unlikely to me that this pattern will change. As such, I had to ask myself how to be a better friend to my flaky friend. Which is funny isn’t it, but merited all the same.

I had already lowered my expectations. I accept that she will be late. I let it slide when she tells me white lies about her reasons for cancelling or being late. I know it will almost always be because her family asked her to do something, even if she tells me it was work because that sounds more important. Or if she tells me she napped all day and that is why she didn’t answer my message then later goes on to tell me about all the bargains she bought at the shops and the delicious pastry at the new bakehouse she tried. So, what more can I do?

I can make sure I don’t ask her for too much. I can make sure the things I do ask her for are not too important, so that when they are she knows the difference. I can be understanding of the fact that she often finds herself between a hard place and a rock, even when I am the rock. I can thank her for her efforts to be there at all even when she is not on time. I can offer to do some errands for her so that she is not so stressed and over scheduled. I can encourage her to say no to me and others and assure her it is ok to do nothing at all sometimes, all alone. I can let her make plans with me, and be flexible when they are more impromptu than I would prefer and accept that this is because she had to stay available to her family to the last second before making her own plans.

In return, she can acknowledge when she has let me down and trust than an apology will save not sever our bond. She can make more effort to be there and on time when I tell her it is important that she does. She can attempt to make plans with me instead of the other way around because she knows what she can manage. She can accept that I may not be available or willing to come impromptu because my own family expects me to be here if I have not told them in advance that I won’t be. She can come and hang out with us here instead.

But please come and join me there.

We often tend to assume flaky friends care the least, when maybe that is unjust. Maybe they care the most in theory, and that is what gets in the way of them showing it. It’s just that they care deeply about everyone and that creates conflict.  At the end of the day understanding and accepting our friends and their circumstance instead of demanding change or making assumptions goes a very long way. Certainly seeing why she is the way she is helped me. I hope it helps you and yours too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship Earrings, what a pair!

The week before last I talked about divorce and the impacts that life change can have on your friendships. It got me thinking of single people and how friendships can be a kind of pairing too. Because people like pairings, don’t they? There is comfort in being a part of a pair. Just like there is comfort in a well-worn pair of slippers on a cold night or your favourite pair of earrings on a much-needed night out! The analogy makes me smile as it reminds me of a friend who had a pair of friendship earrings with her bestie. They each wore one, meaning each were mismatched at their get togethers, however they were mismatched together! Cute idea. Could take off like the BFF charm!

Not for me though, I love earrings and I love them to match! Haha The bigger, brighter and more sparkly, the better. I wasn’t always like that though. As I reflected back on this passion, I found it was only when my son was quite young that I started changing the way I present myself and earrings became a statement piece. I remembered specifically a friend from my mothers’ group and her party for her daughter. She was so well presented. Actually, she was always well presented in her bright clothes and lovely hair. And she always wore the loveliest earrings.

At the risk of sounding all “single white female” I think in many ways I began to emulate this friend. I related to her as a bigger woman. I loved her welcoming nature, and her confidence. She wasn’t afraid to take up space in this world and watching her enabled me to emulate some of that and allow myself to stand out more too. It was uncomfortable at first. So, I started small. I started with earrings. Then brighter colours and matching shoes. Then better fitting clothing and tops as opposed to t-shirts and hoodies. In talking to her recently I thanked her for that positive influence she had on me, and the person I became as a result of that confidence.

And although it shouldn’t have surprised me, what she reflected back was less positive. That her partner at the time was abusive, and he held her to a high standard of dress. That she had felt less worthy, and now she valued a partner who loved her just as much in her hoodie as in her heels. It dawned on me during that conversation that I had fallen for the glitz and glam of her presentation. That I had made assumptions and compared myself negatively at the time. That the woman I was emulating was not the woman I thought she was.

The outcome for us both has been powerfully positive of course. That said, it highlights that we often make unfair comparisons between ourselves and our friends when we don’t actually know the full truth. Nobody knows what anybody’s life is really like behind closed doors or how happy anyone really is day to day. It is almost as if we have a bias to assume everyone else is much happier and better off than ourselves. We criticise our own reality instead of questioning the ones we see presented to us from others.

My mothers group friend and I grew closer over the years. I did not learn in that conversation that her ex was abusive and held her to a high standard. I knew those things already, although I did not know them when I began emulating her. What was interesting was that I thought she held the secret for feeling good about yourself, and I wanted in on it. Whereas she was looking at my life and thinking how lucky I was that my partner allowed me to wear a hoodie and eat as many slices of cake as I wanted without comment. How lucky I was that I could be myself.

Neither of us, at that particular time in our lives saw the truth of the other. That I desperately wanted to try harder but felt I was not permitted as a bigger woman. That she was trying desperately hard and it exhausted her never being good enough because she was a bigger woman. I don’t regret this emulation of my friend, and I am happy that she has found someone to love her as she is, even if it means I am the one who always wears lipstick these days not her. However, it shows that we could have maybe been more helpful to one another if we had each seen the pain behind the other’s smile. If we had of spent time asking questions instead of making assumptions.

Maybe we would have learned much sooner that each of us is just fine as we are, however we present and whatever size we are, regardless of how many slices of cake we eat! Oh, and how we love to eat cake!! Cheers big Ears… or should that be earrings. Your friendship changed me, changed my life and made me happier. However long it took us to learn our worth, I am grateful that we did, and we did it together. What a pair!! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 ways friendship is like riding a bike

1 You need training wheels at first

Think of school, you needed to be in the same place all the time with the same kids and you needed the teacher support to encourage you to speak to each other, share toys and resolve conflict.

2. You need practise

Just like riding a bike, it takes practise. You probably aren’t still best friends with your kindergarten bestie, and that is ok. With each new attempt it gets easier, and more fun. The more you practise the more naturally it comes and the more fun it is.

3. If you stop doing it for long enough, you aren’t sure if you still know how.

After you start driving a car, for example, you may stop riding your bike. You can easily forget how fun it was and how good it was for you. And if you don’t do it for long enough, you worry that you won’t be able to do it anymore. Same with friendships. When you get a full-time job and have kids etc… you can forget to make friendships a priority. Then it can feel overwhelming and daunting to try and make new friends and you aren’t sure you remember how to be a good friend.

4. If you hit a bump, it is scary.

You are riding along great, enjoying yourself and the scenery, then bump! The path gets unexpectedly wobbly and you rush to get to smoother terrain. You might avoid that path forever instead of trying to navigate it again no matter how much you enjoyed it before. Friendships are like that too, and it can be scary to have those conversations or navigate difficult terrain. Sometimes it is so scary that people walk away and don’t try harder.

5. If you fall off, it hurts.

Hopefully on a bike you were wearing adequate safety gear, but falling off still hurts. It can hurt so much that you don’t want to risk riding again. If you relate that to friendships that would mean not trusting any new friends because you got hurt by an old one.

6. It is fun and freeing, and they help you get where you’re going faster.

Riding a bike was your first taste of freedom and independence. Similarly, friends are the people with whom we find ourselves and our place in the world. They are the ones we try on new personalities with until we find one that fits, and the ones who we emulate.

7. You learn new tricks

After a while, you learn to do jumps, wheelies, ride with one hand or no hands and give people a ride on the handlebars. You get confident as you are having fun. Friends can be like this too. They encourage and support you and with them you learn and grow without even realising you are developing important skills to navigate life in the future.

8. They can be uncomfortable

We all question who designed that bike seat. It might be the least comfortable chair in history. But if you love riding, you get used to it. Friends can be like that too. They can make you uncomfortable as they challenge you to grow outside your comfort zone, but they are worth it so you kinda don’t mind or notice most of the time when they are being a pain in the butt!

9. You can outgrow them

Think of the bike you had when you were 4, and all the bikes you had in-between. I loved my banana seat 70’s style bike I had in primary school, but yet eagerly ditched it for the cooler bright pink mountain bike when I reached high school. Whether I wanted to ditch it or not, the fact was, I outgrew it. We outgrow friends too. They stay in our memories and our hearts, and they are still good for someone else.

10. As you get older, sometimes you ride them.

Ok, most of the time you don’t ride your friends and that is why they are friends not lovers. But as “it’s complicated” grows in popularity along side “friends with benefits” I had to throw that one in there at the end there. An ode to all the friends I rode, and the ones that rode me! Haha

Friendship too!

Separation… Does divorcing your spouse mean divorcing your couple friends too?

For the last few weeks I looked at opposite gender friendships, which got me thinking about couple friendships. As I have a few close friends who are either divorced, divorcing or separated and I have noticed that all of them have reported that this somewhat personal change has had an unexpected carry-on effect into their social circles too. I wanted to write about this to explore some of the reasons that this may be.

It would be easy to assign blame to your couple friends in this scenario. You might assume that they no longer hold you in high regard, or don’t wish to be tainted and painted with the same ugly brush that could impact their social standing. Certainly, it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that you have fast become one of the people they talk about rather than the person that they talk to. Alternatively, if you tend to see the good in people, you might try and reason that the couple feels uneasy around you now, or that they have split loyalties and it is easier or more comfortable not to see either you nor your soon to be ex. You might try to be forgiving that perhaps they no longer know what to say, and that they do not know if discussion of the topic is too taboo. Or that they don’t want to rub salt in your wound with their happiness.

All of these reasons have merit. I cannot speak for your individual couple friends any more than I can speak for you personally or any of the reasons you find yourself in this predicament. What I have observed however, are a few general patterns which seem to play out in these circumstances. And most of them have more to do with the separated persons than the couple friends. Which makes sense, when you think about it, doesn’t it? They are the ones who have changed ultimately.

While change is not usually a bad thing, it certainly does make many people uncomfortable. Humans tend to be creatures of habit who prefer to live in the realms of our comfort zones. So, while you navigate a whole new terrain, it wouldn’t be unusual for some people to cling more tightly to their comfortable life, out of fear more than anything that this could happen to them too. However, as I said, this usually is more about you than them.

As a newly single person, you have probably noted a shift in your needs, wants, expectations and comfort levels. While you perhaps didn’t give friendship much time or effort in the past, it may suddenly hold a newer higher priority in your life that it didn’t before. No longer do you spend your evenings with the inbuilt comfort of your spouse for company. Perhaps it is the case that you now seek time and attention during the evenings or weekends where you didn’t before. And it can be a sore realisation that people you considered friends are not as interested in entertaining this request – preferring to stay in with their partner as they usually do. Half of the reason this is sore, is because it can feel like abandonment, as if your friend does not care or understand what you are going through enough to inconvenience themselves. The other reason it is sore, is because you may begin to realise in similar situations beforehand, you may have acted similarly.

Even if you are still willing to meet up with them together as a couple, one member of the couple may now feel somewhat out of place. This could be because of aforementioned divided loyalties, or it may just be because the topics that interest you now are uncomfortable for them. I will use a heteronormative example of a husband and wife, although the same concept applies to most pairings. What if one of the separated persons has started dating. They are excited by this change and wish to discuss it. This conversation would be more typical between the two persons of the same gender than an open exchange between all 3 remaining parties. If you are a woman, you may feel uncomfortable discussing openly your physical explorations with someone new in front of your friends’ husband, for example. Or if you are a man, you may be reluctant to express your casual encounters with your friend’s wife.

Friendship with a single person tends to become somewhat more intimate or private, or personal even in nature. As such, it is likely that you would rather see one member of the couple more than the other. Even if you have no animosity towards them because you understand their predicament, it would be reasonable to assume you would seek out more relatable and available friendships moving forward.

Your divorced colleague at work might become more interesting, sharing stories over a drink after work might blossom into a friendship that otherwise would not exist. Hanging out with the younger crowd now you are more available might become the new normal. Single parents’ groups and carpools may become a priority as you search for new communities with a sense of belonging. Just as you once used to feel with your coupled counterparts.

Chances are high that you used to value the lower maintenance of your couple friends, and the ease at which you could catch up a few times a year and always seem just as close. However, it is that same distance that now separates you, because as a separated person your needs have changed.  And if it seems that they have taken the side of your ex, the likeliest reason is because your ex has turned to them and asked for more. Of course, sometimes it is a simple as feeling a bit sore and not being ready to face a happy couple, and as a result the friendship just slowly and naturally fades away as you drift away from it.

Divorcing a spouse doesn’t have to mean divorcing your whole life though. Much of the time it appears my divorced friends were too timid, to wary of demanding too much or asking for more. They assumed their friends would not be available, or were too worried of rejection to ask. If this resonates with you, perhaps they would love an excuse for a night out on the town? Just because they are married does not mean their life is over or they cannot have fun, with or without their partner?

It would be a shame to lose good friends unnecessarily. Maybe you will be in a new couple one day and in search of couple friends once more? Or maybe you will see a wilder side to them that you didn’t see before. Don’t assume they won’t be there for you without at least asking them to be. But forgive yourself too, if you prefer the company of other singles. Just remember, they are unlikely to stay that way.

My husband and I get along very well with our single friends. I spend time with them alone, as does he sometimes too, and we enjoy having a third to share opinions, laughs and play games with. It is only as awkward as you make it. I think we should all remember to make time and space for each other regardless of romantic status and stop putting all our eggs into the relationship basket. Friendships are the real relationships that matter. None of us know what our romantic future holds, after all. For that reason alone, friendships are a fine investment.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The GAY Boy Friend

In the last 2 weeks we talked about the male female friendship dynamic. Somewhere in that last one, I casually dropped that one of the males in question happened to be gay! While that particular fact about him specifically does not warrant a whole blog post, the hetero female and homo male friendship certainly warrants discussion!

I watched Will and Grace. Although that is an outdated reference I guess these days, it is becoming increasingly common for homosexuality to feature in mainstream media, and the loveable flamboyant gay male best friend is a favourite! As it is my only reference, I was curious to explore how this dynamic impacted the relationship between my friend and her gay boy friend!

Disappointingly perhaps, but more interestingly, her friend is butch. I don’t know if that is the correct term, as I am drawing on terminology more widely used in the female queer community. In order to avoid offense perhaps I should clarify what I mean by that. I mean her friend is masculine.  I don’t like to say it this way, but what I suppose I am getting at is that you might not know he was gay if you hadn’t been told. Not that there is anything wrong with any way a person expresses themselves, however the characters in media tend to have a flamboyant quality that is less obvious in my friend’s gay boy friend.

To be clear, I am calling him boy friend because he is a boy and he is her friend. Just an amusing play on words, not to insinuate that they are in any sort of asexual relationship, although aren’t all friendships really asexual relationships of sorts? I think so, but I am aware that this is an unpopular or uncomfortable opinion for most.  Anyway, I digress.

My friend thinks everyone needs a gay guy best friend in their lives. This factor contributes to the easy affection between them both with no confusion over meanings or boundaries. Because I am queerer and curious, I asked my friend if she would be as comfortable holding hands with a hetero female friend in the same manner. (Assuming the answer would be yes, because there is also no pressure or confusion I presume if both women are strictly heterosexual.) Interestingly she answered me no, that this would feel foreign and uncomfortable for her, the fact that this person was male was important, although she later went on to say she doesn’t see gender with her friends. I beg to differ. On a side note, I also wonder, if she would feel uncomfortable holding hands with a female friend on the basis of lack of attraction due to homophobia or orientation, why does he feel comfortable with her on the same basis? I think society has much to answer for here.

Anyway, this bond she shares with her gay boy friend seems to be the perfect balance for her. He is just emotionally in tune enough to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. They speak on the phone every week if not more, regardless of how much time they actually spend. This goes a very long way to keeping the friendship alive in of itself. He is masculine enough however not to become offended if they have not spent time together, and when they do, they seem to be able to read one another well enough to know how to provide just the right level of affection or reassurance or friendship.

I doubt that they delve much into the heavier topics of life, but the point is not whether they do as much as whether they can. And I think they can, if need be. My friend expressed this person knows her in a way most people don’t. He is in tune with her, knowing when she needs a ittle extra flirtation or when she needs a little extra space.

He knows that she suffers social anxiety, much of which is appearance based, and when to offer a flirtatious compliment or offer to hold her hand proudly as her plus one. She commented that he is easy going, in that he does not get upset if she wears the wrong thing. This surprised me too because in the media, the gay best friend is always offering fashion advice and letting the woman know if her outfit could use some tweaking. I personally have told her what outfits I think highlight her best assets or downplay problem area’s and have been open about outfits I feel are less flattering. Here I was thinking I was doing her a favour, when perhaps she was not interested in my opinion on her appearance…. Acceptance “as they are” appears to be more important. Noted. Lol

She can turn to this particular friend if she happens to need his more naturally blessed strength, or for erecting that high shelf, and later reaching things on it. She can easily allow him more space than an actual boyfriend, without feeling needy or abandoned. She can also tolerate his relationships without feeling jealous or replaced in any way. Not that this is a frequent issue, as it appears to me, they are happier with each other and being single than either of them seems to have been in any romantic entanglement.

But what stands out to me most, about both my friend, and her gay boy friend, is that neither of them subscribes to gender stereotypes, nor sexuality ones. They appear to both have a moderate amount of masculine and feminine traits and meet in the middle in some kind of common ground. In the media these friendships tend to portray the “ideal man” who is basically very effeminate. Which plays into the idea that femininity is superior. (Which would be why the fan base is so largely female) The media also focusses widely on toxic masculinity. However, we hear little of women being encouraged to embrace their masculinity.

I asked my friend if she saw her gay boyfriend as one of the girls, or if he saw her as one of the boys, or any such combination of things and she said that they didn’t see gender. (Which turned out to be untrue,) however I knew what she meant. They can be themselves with each other. They can escape the pressure to be completely one or the other and to conform to the norms associated. She can express her love of video games and pizza and he can talk about emotions or be loving and affectionate without feeling like a predator.

Although it might feel foreign to those of us more extreme on the gender identity spectrum, perhaps if we embraced more traits of each other, we could all meet in the middle and get along much better after all? Then perhaps gender and sexuality would finally be non-issues for friendships. On the other hand, what would I write about then? Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sex in Friendships! Male Female dynamics. PART TWO

Last week we touched on the benefits of the male female friendship, drawing on the experience of my close, (straight,) female friend who has an equal number of close male and female friends. (She is certainly the closest I am likely to get to a male friend! Haha)

To read part one, click here, or scroll up one article. At the end of that piece, we left it when we reached affection…… which brings us to the juicy part this week! To quote ‘Salt N Peppa’ “Let’s talk about sex!”  This tends to be the main factor getting in the way of the original question; can women and men really be platonic friends. It is all well and good to say that they can be, as long as no sexual attraction exists for whatever reason. Maybe one or the other is not hetero, one or the other is partnered and faithful, or one or the other is just outside the realms of “type” to ever be viable. But what about when those perimeters are removed?

Of course, my friend has had sexual encounters with some of her male friends, which, by her accounts, appeared to be welcome, and not pressured from either side. Because it is easier to cross boundaries when those perimeters are removed, and men do tend to be more casual about sexual exploration. I don’t know if perhaps men are more demisexual than we give them credit for, forming attractions to persons after an emotional connection has blossomed, or if it is easier for them to separate sexual activity with romance…. but my friend did admit that not being sexual with male friends tended to make the friendship closer longer term than the alternative.

We couldn’t explore that without noting that there is a huge vulnerability that develops between a woman and any man she allows to see her naked.  Vulnerability is a key ingredient to closeness for women. Therefore, it could be argued that any man a woman is sexual with is automatically closer than any person with whom she is not sexual…. however, unless she goes on to marry that man, there is also a sense of rejection or betrayal when the friendship does not progress to something more romantically formal after such an event…. particularly if one party (usually her) had hoped that it might. Which makes behaving as a platonic friend again much harder when he takes on a wife, for example.

Which brings us nicely to our next point of discussion. If my friend has fallen in love with a few men over the course of her life, (as most of us have) then it stands to reason that clinging to the next best thing might play a role here. If her close male friends have some nature of resemblance to her first love, or the one that got away, she may be drawn to him and reluctant to let him get away a second time no matter what it means sacrificing for herself.

She said men were less dramatic. It wasn’t that men couldn’t be upset, but it was harder to upset them and easier to read and resolve when conflict arose. They were lower maintenance. They would not become angered at a lack of time or effort, because they also made minimal effort. She quipped that they were more available; they were not likely to be angered by a last-minute invitation because other plans fell through, whereas a friend like myself, would be; seeing it as being treated like a back up plan. Not to mention that a male friend is less picky. He won’t be upset if you spend the whole time in his company playing games on your phone, whereas a female counterpart is more likely to be offended by this and take it as a sign of disinterest. (All this does make me question if my friend is “that girl” who values men friends because they won’t be upset when she ditches them for a partner only re-emerging when the relationship is through….)

Naturally there were more personal factors to consider too. My friend’s closest male friend is also a long-term single person, meaning they share the benefits of the affection and emotional reassurance of an almost partner without any of the pesky commitments. A socially acceptable plus one to events is a bonus for them both. Not to mention that my friend happened to be raised as the only girl with 3 brothers, so tends to have more masculine interests as a result of early conditioning. As it so happens both herself and her closest male friend have large families who take up much of their social time too, leaving little space for needier friends like myself for example! Lol Although it didn’t come up in conversation I personally have to wonder if her difficult relationship with her father plays any role. And, if it is relevant, my friends best male friend is gay. More on that dynamic next week!

What I took from the conversation, is that men tend to, in her experience, and my own, prioritise friendships less than women, preferring to focus on career. Ruminations are more logical, or pride/ ego based than focussed on heavy relational issues. They enjoy keeping busy to avoid much emotion, and prefer to engage in side-by-side mentally engaging activities rather than face to face. It is less about being emotionally alone and more about not being physically alone.

I do not dispute that women and men are very different; both in our perspectives, expectations and experiences in the world. These differences at times repel us from one another and at other times draw us closer. However, we should not forget what we do share in common, and that is our humanity. I struggle to understand men, but that in part is the problem. My friend does not try to understand them, she just enjoys them as they are and expects very little. Perhaps that is the key to friendships regardless of anything else.

Can 2 people be friends? Well, yes, of course they can…..but will they be? That depends on the individuals in question, and all sorts of factors that are so unique to each of us.

Personally, I remain unconvinced, I think she would be lonely if she only had these male friends with their limited effort…but maybe balance is key, she has an even spread of both, filling all her relationship needs and maybe that is the real secret. If you know yourself well and all needs and how they can be addressed, you get to decide which people you choose to fill them. And as long as they’re met, you’re probably relatively happy and fulfilled.

I don’t know the question specifically, but the answer isn’t a definitive number or gender or set of rules. But I do know this much. Friendship is the answer, regardless. Friendship might not be a love story but it is definitely a story of love.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Love Story Versus A Story Of Love; Opposite Gender Friendships. PART ONE.

I couldn’t call myself a friendship writer without attempting to write the piece about opposite gender friendships, could I? The long-standing social argument, can women and men be friends is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Personally, I have very limited experience on the subject. I have always valued, sought out and delighted in same gender friendships. My whole blog seeks to expose the powerful nature of these same gender friendships, which I don’t discount are equally as powerful for men. But what about those Female and Male bonds?

I can’t say I have been sceptical; I don’t think that would be accurate. Afterall, I tend to advocate for the fact that all friendships have some degree of flirtation, banter or sexual tension regardless of gender, sexual or romantic orientation. Maybe I have never had favourable circumstance to form such connections, and where they existed, in my own experience it would be fair to say that sex definitely got in the way and complicated matters. Not to mention that as someone who values femininity and the traits I personally associate with it, such as depth of conversation, romantic recounts and analysis, and shared entertainment activities such as rom coms and day spa’s, perhaps I have been too quick to discount men as one dimensional and disinteresting.

Whatever the reason, I couldn’t draw on my personal experience with this, so I turned to one of my closest friends, who has several close male friends for her perspective on this age-old quandary. Naturally, as someone who indulges in the female male dynamic of friendship, she is an advocate of the dynamic and unequivocally insists that not only can women and men be friends, but they can be the best of friends. Her reasons weren’t especially surprising, when you stop to think about it. So, let’s explore those.

First, it feels relevant to start by stating that my friend is a heterosexual single woman. She also classifies herself as heteroromantic and these factors appeared to play a role in the value she placed on the men in her life.  She did not deny that male friendships often met some of her relationship needs, in absence of a male partner currently in her life, and even better, those needs were met, and I quote, “for free.” I found this statement of particular interest. As someone who does not share her sexual or romantic orientation, I could relate to those sentiments. Because I have often felt there is a heavy pressure, an unspoken price to be paid, sexual in nature, when it comes to a close connection with a male. Not to paint them as one dimensional (not yet anyway, or for this specific reason) but in my own experience it seems fair to say that any time I have attempted to become a close confidant of a man, he always wanted/needed/expected that connection to be expressed physically. That hasn’t always felt welcome, and I have assumed my own queerer orientation played a role in that feeling.

As such, it was very interesting to hear that even a heterosexual woman could relate to that feeling and welcomed a more affectionate but less sexual relationship with a male friend. This point was the first my friend discussed. But it wasn’t purely sexual. My friend is highly independent and does not need any man to do anything for her. She is perfectly capable of mowing her own lawns, changing her own tyres, and financing her own life. (And she totally rocks the cute dresses while she does them!) However, she was still quick to note it is handy to have male friends to call on for their talents at erecting shelves, building cat enclosures and patching up the walls. And when the man in question is a friend as distinct from a boyfriend, the only price to be paid is at most a thank you and at worst a cash exchange. As a married woman I can tell you that isn’t the preferred method of payment for such things from my husband! Maybe that is why I still prefer to call on my father for help instead?! Haha

However, it wasn’t just their strength or practical ability that my friend benefits from out of her male friendships, but the fact that affection between them seems natural, and it met that physical need for affection without any confusion about where the boundaries lie. It did surprise me somewhat, as obviously my friend professes to enjoy sexual intimacy with men, however most wives I have spoken to have related to the sentiment that we, as women, crave that affection, from a simple hand hold to a non-sexual spooning session without feeling pressure for things to progress or feeling like we have let the other party down when we don’t feel like anything more than just being held.

I am starting to think my friend is really on to something here, in regards to the free relationship theory! Haha

Stay tuned for more on this next week and the other benefits and factors that influence the male female friendship dynamic. What if one or the other experiences attraction. Are boundaries ever crossed? Is there ever any coming back from that? What are the benefits of a male friendship as opposed to a female one? All that and more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the friend you used to know becomes the friend you don’t want to know.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary, and oh how time flies. Our sweet toddler at the time is now a teenager and our daughter conceived that night is now 10. As I searched for a quote to share on social media that accurately represented marriage, and the changes that have transpired over our time together I found this one.

“He never suffocated his wife with his own idea of who he expected her to be. Rather, he loved, fully, every new woman she became.” It resonated with me, with how my husband has loved all the versions of me so far. The smaller and bigger versions. The working and non working versions. The long and short haired versions. The coloured hair versions. The extroverted and introverted versions. The depressed and excited versions. All the orientation and identity versions. The gothic version and the fluro pink version. But it also made me think about friendships, perhaps in defining what is essentially different about relationships and friendships.

None of us stay the same, and as much as we love and grow with our friends, sometimes they grow into people we don’t like anymore. Even if we do love them. Or did love them. Our investment in friends perhaps isn’t as high as in a relationship. You can walk away from a friendship relatively unscathed or unaffected at times. Perhaps this makes it that much easier to get attached to who they used to be and not accept who they become?

Of course, it would be naïve to ignore the fact that even some marriages end under these circumstances, so perhaps this is less about the type of relationship and just about human nature. Either way, is it ok not to like or love the person someone changes into, even if you loved the person they were?

I think it is fair to say it isn’t always a choice. We feel how we feel, and if your friend has changed considerably, it might be kinder to walk away than to smother them with your expectation of who they should be, or resent them for not being that in the instance that you cannot like or love the person they have become.

That said, it is common to find yourself in some internal turmoil, weighing and comparing the person you knew then, and the meaning of your relationship then, to how it feels now. Thinking about how meaningful a particular friend once was and how joyous your relationship used to be can actually keep you hanging on longer than necessary in some sort of limbo decision making process.

It is never easy to let a person you once considered a friend go. It is worth some deliberation indeed. However, thinking for too long keeps us stuck in sometimes toxic situations when it would be better for everyone involved to just bite the bullet. Just because a relationship used to be meaningful doesn’t mean it still is or ever will be again. It also doesn’t mean it never will be again.  Maybe it depends on the size of the change, or how at odds you now are with your values.

The global pandemic for example, has put people at odds in unexpected ways because their comfort level around risk or their ideas about vaccinations differ in ways that suddenly made them incompatible in fundamental ways. Politics have had similar consequences. It doesn’t necessarily matter what the change is – whether your friend has become a conspiracy theorist or whether they have found religion that is at odds with your own values or beliefs, or if they just have taken up a lifestyle that you don’t approve of or feel safe around. If your intuition is telling you it is time to go your separate ways, you are allowed to do so.

It doesn’t make you a bad friend, or a bad person. It doesn’t discount the meaning your friendship once served. It doesn’t make you heartless. Ending a friendship is no less painful than having one ended for you. It doesn’t even mean you hold ill feelings towards this person. You may indeed wish them every success and happiness, even if you won’t be around to see it or share in it.

Maybe it comes down to asking yourself if you met this person as they are today, would you still be their friend? If the answer is no, that is usually a pretty big hint.  At the end of the day, as romantic as the idea may be, we are not married to our friends. If we can’t love or like the person they have become, we probably should move aside and make room for people who can. Right? Sometimes staying hurts more than leaving and that is when you know it is time.

It is ok to walk away from people who put you at odds with your values, or who make you uncomfortable, or who you just don’t like, even if you used to. Remember that was a different version of yourself, too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t stay with someone because of who they were instead of who they are.

Friendship for sale; Asking Price; Buy me a coffee

Making friends as an adult is hard. So, if you have found yourself in a position where you need some new ones as life has gone on, it can seem extremely daunting. I have written about this several times, and I stand by it. However, it doesn’t have to be hard. If you have an open mind and heart, and a friendly disposition, making new friends can be as simple as a cup of coffee. (Says the only adult woman on the planet who does not drink coffee?! Haha)

Recently, the warmest, friendliest, most inviting and open-minded friend I have shared a heart-warming story of making a new friend. To be fair, friendship seems to be a natural state for this woman. Everyone she meets becomes a friend of sorts. She is just so cheerful and enigmatic that you can’t help but be drawn in by her. She is an empath, can really sense and read people well, and thrives on human connection. She is also extremely inclusive, connecting people together if she thinks they will gel well, with only joy in her heart if those two people connect, even if it comes at her expense.

I admire this about this friend, and many other things. She is just a people person. And her story of this new friendship reflected it perfectly. My friend owns her own business. She is very popular in the local community, often busy to the point she is turning clients away for lack of time to meet the needs of everyone. Her line of work sometimes requires some pretty specific equipment, which she has to source from far and wide, and replace regularly. Last month she was selling an item she had replaced, which still had some life left in it.

Because the item was specific to her area of expertise, it was of no surprise when a competitor contacted her asking for the price of the item. Many people I know would be reluctant. Hesitant to help the competition. But not my friend. Instead, she insisted the asking price for the item was a coffee and a chat, to which the competitor willingly agreed! Bargain!

The 2 women met for said coffee, the item changed hands, and they sat and chatted for half an hour. Tricks and tips of the trade were exchanged. Referrals and a mutually beneficial business pairing transpired. Happy stories and some venting about the specific stresses of the working environment were shared too, and in only half an hour the 2 women who would otherwise have had none of these benefits walked away with the best one of all. A new friend.

Many of us would be too concerned with rejection or seeming “weird and desperate” to follow such an approach. Many others might argue it seems unsafe, even if the 2 women met in a public place. Some of us would assume that the other person would be put off by the mere suggestion. My friend is unconcerned with any of that. She recognises that at our core, most of us crave and welcome new connections, and isn’t afraid to be the one to go first.

When I met her, in a group setting, she was the first to take me under her wing and make me feel welcome. She was the one to invite me to social events I would otherwise not have known about. She was the one who attempted to spend time with me alone. And although it took years for our connection to fully blossom, she was the one who patiently waited for the timing to be right. She was the one who never gave up, who never insisted it be more or less than what it was. She always welcomed and accepted whatever came of it.

That is not to say she hasn’t suffered her fair share of rejections and loss, betrayal and heartbreak. She has. However she doesn’t let it define her. She isn’t afraid of falling because she isn’t afraid of starting again. She isn’t lonely because she sees strangers as friends she hasn’t met yet. She shows genuine interest in people and is naturally forgiving. However she is also wise in her investments. She will hold space for everyone, but only those who are worthy get to really know her.

I have much to learn from this person, and I enjoy the lessons so much I wanted to share them all with you. Go first. Don’t be concerned with what someone thinks of you before they know you. Be kind first and right second. Assume the best of people and not the worst. Be a friend to people and see what blossoms in return.  Be complimentary and kind and curious and cheerful. Make people smile by being comfortable in yourself, and they will be comfortable with you too.

Think of this next time you are selling something you no longer need or use. The person buying it and yourself likely have common ground…. can you afford to invest a little time? Can you afford not to?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is the same x

Bored AND Lonely VS Bored OR Lonely

It seems to be a common idea that bored and lonely are basically the same. That if you feel one, chances are you will feel the other. This is especially true of loneliness. It is more widely accepted that a person may feel temporarily bored, during a slow afternoon at work for example, without feeling lonely. However, it tends to be widely misjudged (from my experience anyway) that when a person complains of loneliness, that the person is misinformed and what they are really suffering is boredom.

I do not dispute that boredom and loneliness are often experienced together. Many people with depression will report this particular combination of emotions; a boredom which stems from an inability to be attentive to much or motivated, and lacking in persons to do things with even if they were motivated or interested. It really is a horrible combination of feelings. Therapy of course helps, because talking about how we feel sometimes lessen the load even if it isn’t solutions we seek. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone knows us, someone hears and sees us, and that someone cares. Even if they get paid to care.

My husband is easily bored. I have never met a grown adult before who cannot leave the house without some sort of book or gaming device to entertain them in the event that there is a moment when he is not occupied! Standing in line? Read a page of a book. Waiting in the doctors office? Pull out the portable gaming device. Even at times when he should be engaged, or at least pretending to be engaged, he will pull out the devices. Like at the school assembly or our daughters gymnastic class or our son’s specialist appointment. It is fair to say he has no concern for societal pressure. This is something I love about him, but yes, sometimes I cringe.

It just baffles me because we are so different in that regard. I am perfectly comfortable waiting for an hour with little to do. Ok, yes, I admit I pull out my phone and answer any messages I may have, but you could probably count on one hand the times I have pulled out a game or a book in those circumstances. I might google what is on my mind, or make a list of what else needs to be done. Does he have no thoughts? I am so distracted by mine that mindless games are anything but relaxing?

We are different. One is not wrong or better than the other. It might be nice to escape my thoughts, and maybe that is what he is doing. But when I ask him, there appears to be nothing there! Although  it makes me a little sad, it also makes me a little jealous. How lovely to have such a quiet mind. No wonder he falls asleep with ease! No mental lists, social pressures or commitments and no worries! Seems idyllic to me, and yes, perhaps somewhat dull! No wonder he is bored!

I, on the other hand, crave human connection. I feel it is the reason for my existence on this earth, the gift to see people. Although so many people have left my life, almost every person I encounter mentions that they have been grateful for the experience of knowing me, because of the level to which I knew them. Most people, from my hairdresser I see only a handful of times a year, to my closest friends, tell me that I am easy to talk to. They tell me I know things that nobody else does, and that they look forward to talking to me. They appreciate that I remember the details and get to know the people around me.

I don’t find it hard to achieve. I have a natural curiosity for people and what they are experiencing in their lives. I have made enough choices in my life that I am in no position to judge anyone, and even if I was, I am wise enough to know that is not the key to openness. Just yesterday, at my hairdresser, the new trainee/apprentice was called over for most of my treatment to assist and learn. It gave us plenty of time to chat, as she opened up to me about her relationship with her child’s father, her housing situation, friendships and hopes for the future. We were giggling and bantering. It wasn’t magic, it was just creating a space for her to talk. When she left at the end of her shift, my hairdresser hugged me and said that was the happiest she had seen this assistant the whole time she had been there. It was the loudest and most joyous she had been, and the most she had opened up. My hairdresser then added that she shouldn’t be surprised, as I am always asking one about her son, the other about her twin brothers, herself about her medical conditions and the admin girl about her pregnancy.

I just smiled and said it wasn’t magic, you just have to care enough to ask, and then actually listen. Of course, I tell you this, because it is a trait about myself of which I am proud. However, I am not unaware that it extends so far to these casual contacts, because I often feel lonely. As a stay at home parent, my hours tend to be quite opposite to those of most others in my life. While they are free weekends, I am on kid duty then. While they are at work, I am available.

This means I tend to spend much time on my own. I don’t say this as a bad thing, or for anyone to get out the world’s smallest violin, it is just a fact about my life right now. Yet when I attempt to express it or explain it, people without fail tell me I need to keep busy. That I have too much time on my hands and that I am bored.

I assure you I am not bored. There is plenty for me to do, so much that I usually don’t get most of it done. (By that I largely mean the housework! Haha) I balance the accounts and pay the bills and keep in contact with all my son’s specialists and appointments. I do the general and birthday shopping, organise family events and keep up with the grocery shopping. I get my 10000 steps in every day. I wirte. I do the washing and make the lunches and get the admin of the house sorted. And usually while I do all of it, there is a running list of never ending other things to get done too, not to mention my abstract thoughts and worries.

I am not suggesting working women don’t do all this and more. I am sure they do. I know I am fortunate enough that I am in a position to watch a day time film or catch up with a friend for lunch. I don’t dispute it. I do those things as often as possible and thoroughly enjoy them.  My point is only that like most people I have a growing list of shows on my need to watch list, that I could and would watch if only I had the time to. I am NOT Bored.  I run a million of my own errands and far too many of other people who assume I have nothing but time to waste, and that they are doing me a favour by asking me to do things for them that they could easily do for themselves.

But most of the time, I am alone. I am a little isolated and I miss connecting with people. Just sitting and making eye contact and talking fills my soul cup. I find that when I do get that opportunity, often the people I am desperate to connect with struggle to meet this need. They can’t slow down. They can’t stop. They feel unproductive and bored just chatting. They need to be busy. It has become an addiction.  Even if they do make time to open up to me in short bursts, the consistency is lacking, the eye contact, and the listening.

As someone who loves to talk to people the most, perhaps what I really seek, is someone to listen sometimes too. The point of this post is just to validate that boredom and loneliness are not the same and they can exist independently, because as I once read somewhere; Boredom is of the mind, whereas Loneliness is of the heart.

However much downtime your schedule allows, don’t forget to use it wisely really connecting with your loved ones, really talking to them, and really listening too. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Validation Void - Do you have a Vacancy?

So last week we talked about people who talk in codes. At the end of the day, we learned most people will be hard pressed to tell the cold hard truth! Most people will not say “No, I don’t like you” or “Yes, I am using you.” Especially in the case of the latter, where honesty would definitely be counterproductive to the goal of using you. It seems pretty straightforward then, to just trust your instincts on this and move away from people who’s actions and words leave you feeling suspicious of their intention.

So why then do so many of us not do that? Why do we get trapped in the cycle of decoding their words? I suppose a the first reasons that springs to mind is “self preservation.” We want to believe that we are worthy. And sometimes we get caught up in proving that we are based on this one person’s attitude towards us. We want to believe we are likeable and not just useful, so therefore, we try to read what we want to read into their words when we should really be listening to their actions.

The second reason that comes to mind is this need to be “right.” At it’s core, we often fail to trust our instincts until they are validated by another person. Unfortunately often, the person we need to validate our feelings is the exact person who is benefiting from not validating them. It is always easier to walk away from someone when both people agree on the situation. If one person says to the other that they don’t think things are working out between them, and they feel they should go their separate ways, and the other person seems relieved and agrees with this, providing further validation by saying that they have been thinking and feeling the same lately, both people will feel freer to walk away. They weren’t wrong, the other party agreed, case closed.

Closure. It’s so neat and perfect, tied in it’s perfect little bow, isn’t it? Unfortunately most relationships are not as picture perfect and most situations don’t provide that closure. What’s worse is that sometimes you feel you have achieved closure, until the bow gets ripped apart again and you realise it was never as neat and tidy as you thought anyway?! Seeking closure, is what keeps us seeking validation.

It can be what causes us to go backwards when we should be moving forwards. Maybe this is precisely what Dr Phil was talking about when he said “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” (I have no idea if the concept was his or if he quoted someone else, it’s likely!) At it’s core, we all want to be happy and we confuse that with being right. It provides us with a certainty that human relationships cannot offer. We want a guarantee that this person will not change and be perfect for the next person, or we want to be sure we are not making a mistake, jumping to conclusions and missing an opportunity for greatness.

I have decided to coin this “validation void” – when the brain stops functioning completely while searching for evidence and confirmation that our suspicions are correct. Where we stop acting in our own best interests trying to fill that void, that uncertainty within. Where we are so hungry for validation that we starve ourselves of the nutrition that is served to us. Where we allow ourselves to believe someone else’s version of reality because it seems more palpable, and less painful than our own. In the moment that is, long term it is actually way, way, waaaaay, more painful.

What is interesting about this particular concept, is that every person you know and who cares for you is likely to offer validation on your points. Yet all that serves you with is more ammunition for you to fire, trying to get the object withholding validation to agree with you. Which is generally futile. But even if they do concede, it will only be to disarm you temporarily before the same behaviours repeat.

We all turn to friends and family for validation. I am not disregarding it’s importance and how it can help us learn and grow when we are challenged, nor it’s powers of healing when we receive it. We probably all have a Validation Vallery friend. She is behind you all the way, always on your team, your biggest cheerleader. But too much validation seems disingenuous after a while, doesn’t it. And we all probably have a Challenging Chad friend too. The one who likes to challenge your perceptions of things when sometimes you really just need to hear that you weren’t wrong.

Essentially, while all humans have a validation void, the size of the void is up to you. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, and neither do relationships or friendships. You have to have a certain degree of security in yourself. You have to be willing to risk it and back your decisions. You have to trust that you can live with it if they go on to be perfect for someone else and not blame yourself for it. The only way this validation void gets smaller, is by acting on your intuition. Even if it means getting validation from everyone EXCEPT the person involved. The more you act on your intuition, the stronger you will get, and the smaller the void will be.

The less you base how you feel about yourself on how others feel about you or treat you, the more you teach them how to treat you. The more you understand that you are ok without any given person, the less afraid you will be to act on these intuitive feelings.

If somebody isn’t treating you the ways in which you want, need or expect to be treated, you do not need them to agree with you. You are allowed to act on that feeling even if they insist that you are wrong. A person who cares about you will never simply deny you your truth, they would work with you to change behaviours to make you more comfortable. If they can’t show you what you want to see, find someone that can. It doesn’t matter if you are wrong or right. You want to be happy, and this isn’t it.

Don’t allow your validation void become big enough that it has a vacancy sign, or someone will move in for sure. That is not a space you want to allow anyone to live in. Trust me!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Farming or Friending? Stop talking to Goats! Or in codes!

Haha this title is a sneaky reference to an ongoing joke in our house that relates to the Ellie Goulding song “codes” as my daughter misheard the lyrics “stop talking in codes” as “stop talking to goats” followed by the question “Why is she talking to goats?” She insists this is not at all funny, but it always makes me giggle when I hear the song, and I hope it always does. Have you ever googled misheard song lyrics. Funny stuff, I recommend it on your ‘when I am bored’ google list.

Anyway, the song is about a love interest I presume, and insinuates that the artist feels confused by this person’s behaviour. While that is very common in modern dating, I find it equally applies to friendships at an alarmingly high rate. And I am not only talking about those “it’s complicated” friendships with benefits, although that definitely applies here too.

What resonates especially with the song lyrics, is the idea that sometimes even friends can be unclear of their intentions. They might call you a “best friend” but seemingly treat you more like a casual acquaintance. Or they may be hot and cold, best friends one week, ditched the next. Perhaps they treat you like a bit of a back up plan in case their plans fall through or when they are in between romantic interests.

These people can be hard to pin down. They often talk in circles and can be careful what words they use. For example, a friend of mine once told her when she questioned an absentee friend about the state of the friendship, that the person in question responded “I still consider myself to be a friend of yours.” I thought that was an especially deceptive response. So much so that over 10 years later I still remember it. I still consider myself to be a friend of yours? Is that to say that you don’t consider me to be a friend of yours? Yes, that is exactly what it implies.

If that isn’t speaking in codes, I don’t know what is. In order to hear what is really being said, you have to tune in to what is NOT being said. People who speak in codes are quite purposeful with their words. On the surface, it appears to be saying “we are still friends, of course!” But that isn’t what it says at all, and if that is what was meant by it, then that is what it would have said. It does not address the fact that the person was left in so much doubt by their actions that they even felt they had to ask if they were indeed friends. That in of itself speaks volumes, don’t you think? Not to mention that the answer implies that the person asking the question has no ownership over who they consider to be their friend. “I consider myself to be a friend of yours?” That isn’t up to you, and it isn’t really what was asked, was it? I doubt the person reached out and asked “Hey, things have been a bit distanced between us, I am not sure if I still like you, can you clarify that for me please? Do I still consider you my friend?”

It also removes ownership of the askers ability to dispute it. It almost says “I don’t care what you think or feel. Whether you like me or not, whether or not you agree even, I consider myself your friend.” It is deceitful and manipulative and dodges accountability entirely. This person was not acting like a friend, hence the question in the first place. How can you consider yourself a friend of a person to whom you are not acting like a friend? Even if it was your place to dictate, which it isn’t.

If any of you are Married at First Sight Australia fans, the contestant Bec comes to mind. (Yes, I am a shameless trashy reality tv addict! Haha) This character always talked around the question. Her match was never quite sure where he stood with her. The reason she did this, in my humble opinion, and the reason anyone chooses to do this generally speaking is because the truth is unpleasant, and saying it out loud serves to make the person saying it look like a bad person. So Bec couldn’t say she just wasn’t that into her match on the show because he had bad teeth – that would make her appear shallow, so instead, she tried to find any reason under the sun to justify not being into him and string him along pretending to be working on things but in reality, just waiting to get away from him for good after the show ended. Similarly, the friend in the above example probably felt it was too harsh to say “You’re right, I don’t like you anymore, we are not friends. I don’t want us to never speak again. If we see each other at a function we can be casually polite, so I look like a better person, but essentially our friendship is dead.” So, she answered around the question in what seemed pleasing but was actually as hollow as it felt.

It would be unfair to imply that anyone who has spoken in codes always does so. Perhaps we all speak in codes at times. However, you have to ask yourself isn’t it kinder in the long run not to leave people guessing and hanging? Wouldn’t it be kinder to say “I have noticed us drifting apart lately too, it is always sad that as people grow up, they grow apart, however for now we must accept that we are on separate paths and life is taking us in different directions. I wish you all the best for your future as I am unlikely to see it. Thanks for the years of friendship we shared in our history.” It leaves no doubt. It says the cruellest truth in the kindest way possible and it leaves them both free to move on.

When people speak in codes, they are keeping you in a holding pattern. They are denying accountability and they are thinking more of themselves than of you. If you can’t get a straight answer out of someone, that is worse than hearing the worst-case scenario. They are not protecting you; they are protecting themselves.  That is not the actions of a friend.

In the song lyrics she says “Give me something new to think about.” This references all the time spent decoding what someone means, refusing to hear the ugliest truths and refusing to accept them. At the end of the day, if someone is speaking in codes, you probably wont like what you uncover, so don’t waste your time. Move on to someone who is clear in their intent, someone who tells you the truth and means it…. For better or worse! It might not be until death do you part, but if you waste time trying to hear what you want to hear in the codes, you can easily die trying. I know people who have wasted upwards of 10 years already! A true friend’s words and actions will match. If they like you, you’ll know. If you don’t know….. well then sorry to say, but you have your answer… they don’t. Not really.

You can’t force people to stop talking in codes…. But my daughter was right in that talking to goats would be just as helpful. What you can do, is stop talking to goats, and stop decoding while you are at it. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fixing Fractures After the Fight

It is only my love of alliteration that would cause me to use the word fight in the title there. However, whatever word you prefer to use; falling out, disagreement, space, harsh words…. The sentiment is the same. You and a close friend have encountered conflict, and now, you’re wanting to find a resolution and move on harmoniously.

The word fracture, was more intentional, because these conflicts, while natural, can cause pain and can cause cracks in the foundations of your friendships. If not managed with proper care, it could turn into a break, which most often ends in a break up! Which is sad, because in most cases the 2 people involved really do (or did anyway) like and love and respect one another and value the connection.

The most painful conflicts tend to be with the people to whom we are closest and most heavily invested. Unfortunately, these are the same connections that are laden with expectation and all the other heavy emotions that can add to the strain of the fracture. Not to mention the urgency one feels to fix the situation immediately which can only make decisions worse.

The similarities to a fractured limb for example, don’t end there; A fractured limb needs gentle tending, time to mend, rest and support. If you want to mend your fractured friendship, it will need the same, and it will take both of you to provide it to the other. This can be the trickiest part – it becomes your job to take care of the very person who caused your own pain. Each of you need to provide support; each of you needs to feel secure that you both want to make this work, that one of you isn’t going to walk away. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for space, because space is part of what you probably need. What it does mean is that space shouldn’t be open ended perhaps. It might be wise to suggest that you each take a few days to a week to cool off and think things over before making contact again to try and think it through.

During that week, each of you should contemplate not only your point/perspective, but that of the other person too, and more importantly how to express yourself in ways conducive to reconciliation. After your agreed upon timeframe of space has passed, each of you must commit to making time together to talk it through. Now, some people do prefer to skip this step. And for some of them, it works. I can’t tell you what is best in your particular friendship, all I can tell you is that if you do have this talk, each person has to approach it with an apologetic attitude.

That is not to say that you were wrong, only that you are sorry for the strain it has caused between you, that you do not wish to continue fighting, and you are sorry that your friend has been distressed by the events. Similarly, they should also feel apologetic for the strain and distress caused to you. Approach the conversation with love. Naturally, defences will be high, when usually, all each of you really wants is to feel loved and respected and validated.

In my own experiences, if a friend thinks they cannot validate my experience, or refuses to apologise, they will blow past my apology and say it is “water under the bridge.” This used to really bother me, because I wanted to pull the experience apart. However, I now see it is an act of love. If my friend feels they were right and I was wrong – and nothing I say is likely to change that perspective, there really isn’t any point in discussing it, is there? In their own way, they are trying to protect my pride, and not forcing me to yield or beg for forgiveness.

So what next? You have had the space, then the conversation, (or not)…. How do you go back to the way things were? You wont like this, but the answer is, you don’t. That would be considered forcing it. What you should do, is commit to spending time together. Possibly not as much time as before, but with some level of consistency. You tolerate some distance between you. You work hard at creating new happy moments together and you build it back up slowly over time.

You might feel sensitive about it. If your friend cancels one of your plans in the beginning it will be hard to ignore the voice in your head that wants to convince you this means it is all over, it is the beginning of the end. Be patient. Be understanding. Be forgiving. Keep trying. Reschedule. Be there. Don’t give up. The voice in your head might be right. It takes 2 to tango and if your friend doesn’t want to fix things, then they won’t be fixed. But at least you will know you did all you could and your heart was open to reconciliation.

In some cases, it may take years to get back on track, or to even reconnect at all. Both parties have to be ready, have to want it equally, and have to do their part. Eventually that means letting it go, whether you got your apology or not. It means leaving it in the past and just rebuilding moving forwards.

For the friends that have managed reconciliation with me, be it big or small, thank you for loving me when I least deserved it, because you knew it was when I most needed it. Thank you for your apologies, or not. Thank you for still showing up, for letting it go, for not allowing fractures become breaks. For still seeing the positives in me when it was not as clear and sticking with me when it was not as rewarding. Thank you for getting through awkward periods of space, for trusting that we didn’t mean to hurt each other and for being patient enough that we could still be close again.

Not all my friendships have survived, but the ones remaining were worth fighting for. I am not naïve enough to think that we wont encounter more conflict on our journey, but I can say I do feel more secure, that we come out the other side a little stronger each time, and learn which insecurities need reinforcements, which blows were too low and which topics or situations should be avoided at all costs! Haha

If a friend is worth fighting with, chances are, the friendship is worth fighting for.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Vulnerability; Genuinely Given VS Gestured or Generated

I love armchair psychology. For anyone who relates, and probably even those that don’t, I am sure you will agree that the internet represents a black hole where hours, sometimes even entire days seem to quickly disappear. I read up about disorders, friendships, building more positive relationships and all sorts of other foods for thoughts. It is my not so guilty pleasure, and often I justify it by calling it research, even if the topic at hand has nothing to do with friendships.

Because my readers all have one thing in common; and that is that we are all human. We all experience life, emotions, complicated behaviours and relationships with each other. And most concepts that apply to humans, are applicable to friendships, given the social nature of our kind.

When I am not researching, another guilty pleasure is watching “I survived.” Each episode usually features 3 people who survived some sort of trauma or accident. Disturbingly, almost every episode contains at least one woman who was attacked by a man, but I’ll leave that topic for the actual psychologists to muster. Then there is usually another who has survived an earthquake, or a plane crash or a ship sinking or something like that. The third category is often a person who survived an attack from a mountain lion, or a bear or a snake or a wild chimpanzee. In these cases, most of them survived because a friend went in to battle with them or for them, and I noted how distinct this is to the human species. Maybe why we do so well with dogs?

Other species will protect their young, however if you see a lion attacking a deer for example, (thanks for that David Attenborough!) you won’t see the other deer racing to his or her rescue. We are pack animals, and with that comes its complicated social dynamics. If you want to have friends who you count on to attack a bear for you, that requires a certain level of trust…. Which also requires a certain level of vulnerability.

I love vulnerability, although I probably do struggle with it myself. But it has served me well as a friendship tool. Knowing that people generally love to talk about themselves, and that this generates a feeling of connectedness has probably helped with my insecurities. If someone feels close to me, they will value me. If they feel that I know them on a deeper level, that they can trust me with their secrets and show me their inner world, then as a by-product of that, we both end up feeling safer and more secure. Loneliness only ensues if I fail to open up to them equally, or if they fail to notice and reciprocate my interest.

I do this by asking questions. I feel this shows interest in someone, and I am always interested in people. Some are so amusing, others fascinating, others intriguing. Almost all very rewarding when they do let you in. It may even come across as though I am interviewing new friends. As a well-meaning way of connecting with them, however I have been shocked to learn that some people consider this interest to be a violation of boundaries, and prefer not to be asked questions. I also notice I myself can become squirmish if someone I haven’t spent much time with delves too deep. While I like to be asked, and to share, I can admit to often holding my own cards close to my chest while asking the other person to show all of theirs.

Emphasis on the word “Already” perhaps?

So that is why this article; from “The Jordan Harbinger Show” resonated with me in uncomfortable ways. The article is titled “Stop Trying To Be ‘Vulnerable.’ Do This Instead.” It is worth a read, but bear with me first! Haha (Spoiler alert!) It outlines an experience whereby the writer is at a shared dinner, and the facilitator of the event requests that they all share something vulnerable in the name of connectedness. The writer feels uncomfortable sharing on command with a group of strangers, and refuses to participate. He wonders what is wrong with him that he was unable to be vulnerable or that it felt forced and inauthentic. However afterwards several other attendees approach him and say that they felt the same way and wished they were brave enough to also refuse. At that point the writer realises refusing to share, and trusting his instincts, was actually an act of vulnerability.

Vulnerability, basically means to be your authentic self at any moment. To share what you are thinking or feeling regardless of consequence or judgement. It can mean sharing a deep secret from your past, or a story that reflects your inner journey and why you are who you are today. But it also stems from not sharing too, if you don’t feel comfortable. It comes from openly communicating difficult or complicated things and removing yourself from expectations of others.

When I read this article, three friends in particular came to mind. The one who I felt pushed me away by refusing/rejecting my offer to talk to me/answer my questions, in my genuine efforts to connect with her. I gave no thought to how difficult it probably was for her to trust that I would take that rejection of communication at face value. The friendship subsequently fizzled as I had no other means of connecting when I misinterpreted this request to “not ask me personal questions about myself or my life.” I had no real clue how to talk without asking. And as someone who does like to be asked deeper questions, I felt hurt by the rejection. Rightly or wrongly.

The second friend that comes to mind is the friend who loves my questions. Someone who took a very long time to warm to me, to a point of vulnerability though. Someone who took her time learning to observe me, trust me and open up completely. Someone I liked, and never gave up on. Someone who intrigued me, and whom I knew there was a wealth of depth waiting to be uncovered, but whom I didn’t press too hard for that information because time together was never a regular thing. When it became more regular, when she trusted my investment regardless, it felt more genuine to open up. This friend also often challenges my own boundaries, pushing, asking, and is often surprised at what other cards I slowly reveal. She is teaching me patience with vulnerability – and that consistent time is an important ingredient.

This brings me to the third friend. This is the friend I find fascinating. She will be completely vulnerable in one moment, then distanced or more surface level the next, as though it never happened. We enjoy frequent time together, and have done for many years now, but yet somehow, I still don’t feel I really know and understand her. I enjoy her company, yet always seem to dig for something deeper and often wonder if there is maybe just not much there to be found.  She knows I hunger for a deeper connection with her, for us to know each other like I do with my other close friends.  We can and do discuss it, which I suppose is vulnerable in itself. However, she teaches me about vulnerability in comfortability. That we know each other so intimately from time together. That she knows when I need a bathroom, I need it NOW. That I know when she laughs too much, she often pees herself. That we can read each other’s moods and body language and are more in tune with each other emotionally without the need for conversations. That we laugh about each other’s weaknesses and trust each other not to punch below the belt (too hard anyway! haha). That we spar in good humour, but we are there for one another when it comes down to it.

So, what is the point of this article? Just to acknowledge there is more than one way to experience vulnerability, which is key to friendships. That sometimes you have to be patient, sometimes you have to be understanding, or make room or allowances, sometimes you have to go first, and sometimes you can just go ahead and ask. It requires you to know your friend, and do it in the way that they feel safest. I haven’t always done that, and I am starting to see and understand why some people just seem to say I make them uncomfortable. Sorry! Haha Vulnerability means apologising sometimes too. :D

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image from https://www.mobiusleadership.com/vulnerability-is-not-a-strength/
You should find it either way if you are patient and understanding and invested, and sometimes, if you go first!

How to know if a friend cares about you?

Recently someone I considered a very close friend decided to end our communication somewhat abruptly. I did understand and respect this choice, as much as it hurt. I can’t say I saw it coming, because I didn’t, actually it kinda blindsided me. That said, the situation was complicated at best and I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn’t personal but somewhat situational. Knowing that didn’t necessarily make it hurt any less though, because my friend knew she was making a choice that would hurt me, and yet she made it anyway.

Last week I wrote about choosing yourself, just as this person did. She felt she needed to practise self-care and part of that meant taking a break from us. Although I respected this choice, I found it ironic because I had thought that I was in fact taking care of her emotionally. I thought she knew, understood and felt cared for by me, not that self-care would mean removing me. I also believed that she cared about me too, and appreciated the reciprocal role we had in one another’s lives. So while I support her choice to do for herself whatever she needs to do, I had to question how I could be so wrong about someone and the relationship we shared.

I know perspective is reality, but there is always more than one perspective, and this really challenged my reality. I would consider myself somewhat rejection sensitive. Which means I can be cynical and don’t trust people easily. It means I can jump to conclusions and sometimes assume the worst. I have very close friends who have at times needed to reassure me that they do care because I have questioned it.

Logically I have written about the 5 love languages, and the fact that if my language is time, and my friend’s language is acts of service; unless we show love in the other person’s language, they wont feel cared about, even if you do care about them. So I could spend all the time in the world with that friend, and they just feel burdened and overwhelmed and maybe even disrespected, because what they want is for me to offer to watch their child. Similarly, the other person could watch my children every week but if she didn’t spend any time with me outside of that I would not feel cared for.

But this has brought me to question further how we can tell if a friend cares about us. If they do reciprocate. If we are valuable to them, or, if at any moment we might get discarded with yesterday’s junk mail. If they value us for what and who we are and not just what we offer them, or the role we fill in their movie. Because it became clear to me that the supporting actress in this case was never actually going to make it to the credits, no matter how great she was.

My problem in the past seems to have been assuming too easily and too quickly that people don’t care about me because they don’t put in as much effort or time as I do. Believing that if I didn’t feel cared for, the fact was that I wasn’t cared for. I mean, I knew, in most cases, like if I were to die or anything dramatic the friends in question would care and be sad, but short of that, I felt they didn’t care enough to actually let me know via effort before anything extreme happened.

Of course, I know intellectually this stems from insecurity and my feelings were feeding my thoughts and perceptions. If my friends say they care about me, who am I to tell them they don’t? I don’t know what they feel and in those instances saying that I wasn’t feeling cared for would have been more useful than demanding attention to prove that they did care. I have gotten way better at accepting and trusting that a lack of time does not always equate to not caring and being able to accept and trust that those friends do care, although they don’t have as much time to show me. I believe them when they share words or sentiments or appreciate the gestures they can make in lieu of time.

But this latest round of assuming that I was cared for when I wasn’t has knocked me off my feet a little. Ok, to be fair to this person I do know they do care for me, just not enough to choose me at the end of the day. And while I went into this particular friendship with the knowledge that this was always a probability, (her partner doesn’t approve of me) I was still hopeful that it wouldn’t come to choosing, or that if it did, I would stand a chance based on merit.

I guess it was naive and not the first time I have been let down by a friend who chooses a partner over our friendship, to believe that her level of investment in me would be anywhere near strong enough to measure up to a sexual partner. So to say that I incorrectly assumed she cares might not be as accurate as saying I incorrectly assumed it mattered or made any difference. It wasn’t me who asked her to choose anyway, but in similar circumstances I chose her, and so it stung she didn’t care enough to do the same.

That isn’t meant to feed into my hero complex though, because when I chose her, I made the assumption that she needed me. It didn’t matter to me what I needed or wanted, I made the decision I thought was right. She found herself in a position where she had to do the same and she chose what she thought was right. It wasn’t me. But at least now I know she will be ok without me, she doesn’t need my help or support, and maybe she never even wanted it! She has got this. What it does tell me is that I need to make better choices for myself.

Instead of asking what is the “right thing to do” ask myself “what is the right thing to do for myself? What do I want and need from this situation and what is the best choice for me to get it?” Because at the end of the day it actually doesn’t matter who cares about me and who doesn’t if I am looking out for myself. If I care about me, maybe I won’t need to know other people do.

No matter what your friends tell you, there is no guarantee that they care about you. Or that if they do care about you that they will choose you or make the effort. Or even if they care about you today that they will still care about you tomorrow. I want to know people care so I feel less alone, but the truth is, if I was as good a friend to myself as I was to everyone else, I would never feel alone to begin with.

So in answer to my question, how do you know if a friend cares about you? You don’t know for sure. You either believe that they do or you don’t believe it, but a better question is why does it matter?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mumma, it’s Mother’s Day; and this post is for you.

I’m always somehow surprised when I look back at old photos of my childhood and realise just how young my parents really were. It’s a funny thing, isn’t it? When you are young, your parents are old by default, they are adults, and therefore they meet the only required qualification. To be clear, my parents were not young when they had me, as a matter of fact my mother was referred to as a geriatric maternity patient, when she was pregnant with my brother, and that was 6 years before I came along, before she was even 30! Oh how times have changed!

It’s sad, although interesting to reflect on, that as I was growing, I didn’t quite notice the subtle changes that my parents were also slowly growing older. That it was lost on me, until at least my mid twenties that their own journey was not over and that they too had their own lives and identities; that they too still had mistakes to make and lessons to learn. Essentially that their world was bigger than just me. (Ok me and my brother, I’ll allow him to share some attention! Haha)

Even as I learned I was expecting my own son, I leaned on my mother quite heavily. Ironically, it was lost on me that this baby I was bringing into the world would need me just as much. Probably because until I was thrust into motherhood myself, I couldn’t grasp the concept of exactly how much motherhood entailed, and how much of yourself you had to put into it by default. Now that son has grown into a teenager, who still sees me as old, shows very little interest in me as a person and basically takes me for granted (as teenagers are inclined to do) I am forced to reflect back on how negatively I impacted my own mother’s mental health at the same age!

It’s not that I don’t have fond memories of my mother, I do. The time she got into a fit of the giggles at hungry jacks, back in the days when families dined in, and she fell off her chair laughing. Shopping trips where she reluctantly bought me the unflattering clothes I demanded despite her best advice. (Photo’s prove I should have listened!) The day she relented and let me get a dog despite her better judgement. Washing my dolls clothes and hanging them up on a little washing line with baby pegs while she did the actual washing. Her lovingly holding my forehead when I was sick. Her teaching me to make pikelets and flip them on my own on the griddle. Her lovingly placing my pyjamas on the heater on cold nights or allowing me to go for a quick dip in the pool at night when it was too hot to sleep.

I am sure there are many more. But there are also many memories of me being painful, spoilt, entitled and ungrateful. Taking way more than I would give, unless of course you count giving attitude, of which I gave plenty!  But if you count consideration, I gave none. True story. My mother worked fulltime. She got up early every day to peel and cut the potatoes and put them on the stove ready for dinner. She took the meat out to defrost. She made my lunch, and my brother’s and father’s, while she most likely went without (I don’t know for sure, because I was too self absorbed to notice.) She prepared breakfast for us all and ironed any uniforms or work clothes for the day. Then she quickly got herself dressed, applied moisturiser and a coat of lipstick before rushing out to catch the 7am bus. At the end of every afternoon, she would call home, and remind me to put the potatoes on to boil. They were already on the stove in water from this morning. All I had to do was turn it on, wait for the water to boil and reduce the flame when it did. Then she would come in and make the dinner. If she didn’t call me everyday then I didn’t do it. When she did call, I would remind her that I was not her slave and complain heavily to anyone who would listen about how unjust this was and how she treated my brother and I like slaves! HA! The irony!  I complained we ate potato with every meal ( UK heritage) and that I disliked most of the meals. I refused to help wash up after dinner, always saying I would get to it later, not understanding my mother wanted to finally finish her day and sit down to relax! As I got older and started to drive, I refused to tell her where I was going with whom, or when or if I would be home for dinner.

I rebelled and rebuffed her efforts to connect with me, finding them intrusive rather than recognising that she was merely showing an interest in my life. I told myself that she had never shown much interest before, because she “chose” working over me, and therefore punished her by showing disinterest at the stage where my life perhaps actually became interesting.

I was a needy child. I wanted my mother’s attention all to myself. I resented the easy relationship she had with my brother and the lack of rapport between herself and I. Looking back, he was more grateful than I was, definitely more helpful, and he was an easier child. He required little attention, happy to slip into quiet imaginary worlds, read books and otherwise entertain himself. I lacked those qualities. I needed someone to talk to me, to play with me, to make a mess with me. (My mother doesn’t do well with mess!) I demanded more than she had to give and was wounded when it wasn’t given. I wasn’t neglected in any sense of the word, but yet I always felt overlooked, inconvenient, in the way and ignored.

It wasn’t until I had my own children that I began to revisit those early expectations. To know that a mother has so many responsibilities to juggle, that my expectation was impossible to meet. That her getting up early to do all those things was in fact her way of showing love. That she’d have loved to spend more time playing with me but as a working mother, time was the one resource she lacked. That of course she was human and wanted to connect with other mothers and form friendships for herself.  That as I grew older and gained more independence, her load lessened and that is when she had time to connect and give me that attention I craved. That it didn’t have to be too little too late.

This Mother’s Day, many of you aren’t as fortunate to still have a mother to celebrate with. Perhaps many of you never reached this point in time to let her know you saw her sacrifices and you now recognise them as love. To love her back as fiercely as she loved you. I am lucky to still have my mother. I love watching her delight in my children and understanding she couldn’t delight in me in those ways, but that she did delight in me, and she still does. My own mother never got the chance to really experience this to it’s fullest with her own mother, as she was taken too soon. A pain I cannot and do not want to imagine, whilst raising babies of your own in the midst of that grief.

So I want this post to be a gift to my mother, and I hope those of you who still have the opportunity do the same. Let your mothers know that you see them. That you are interested in them as people. Their childhoods, their life before you were born. Their dreams and hopes. The things that made them who they are today. And most of all, how much you impacted their life, and how much you know they loved and did for you. Therapists like to talk a lot about the concept of parents “impacted our lives” however this post looks to acknowledge the impact I had on hers, and apologise for the wrongs I did. How hard I made her life. That feels equally important.  I have written a post similar to this before, and with any luck I will get the opportunity to write many more. And I will say yes to every opportunity to show love the way she has done.

I am so lucky to have a mother today. Even luckier that it is you and I can finally call you my friend. Thank you for the years of patience and love, for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself, for being there for me when I didn’t deserve it and for loving me at my worst. As I age, I slowly morph into you, and I couldn’t think of a better person to be.

I love you My Mumma; My friend. Happy Mother’s Day.

❤ Love you,
Your Best Friend ForEver
xx

The Unchosen

I have posted previously about “The back-up friend” and this post follows a similar trajectory. It aims to acknowledge friendships as the secondary relationships of life, while also pushing the boundaries of still wanting it to be a priority. Second place should not after all feel like last place. Should it? This post also aims to recognise what a huge role personal circumstance plays in our values and expectations around friendships, but yet also how those values impact our perspectives. However the main aim here is to underline that friendships are a choice, and that many of us feel unchosen, regardless of how many friends we have.

I am only one person, so I can offer only my own perspectives on this which have been based on my experiences. That is not to say that I am right, or that there is no other way to look at things. The nature of this blog as a whole is to always remind readers that rejections in friendships are almost never personal. But the reason I need a whole blog about it is because when you are in the thick of friendship drama it FEELS personal. Not only that, we almost want it to be personal…. Because our friendships are personal.

No matter how many times I experience this feeling of not being chosen, it still hurts. No matter how much I can rationalise it or think logically about all the reasons I shouldn’t feel hurt, I think it is important to hold space for the fact that it does. The part of our brain that feels emotion often fires first, which brings me back to “are your feelings fact or fiction” (spoiler alert, they’re not facts.)

Many of us do not anticipate friendships ending. We aren’t living in a society that gives the concept of friendship much conscious consideration, but regardless the general ideas that float around are that true friendships last forever. Which hasn’t been helpful in my experience because many of them have ended. So not only is it unexpected, there is also no script of how to feel or act in this situation. My blog wants to address that! If feeling unchosen in romance feels bad, at least you can console yourself with the fact that every person chooses only one other. It stands to reason people want to thoroughly explore their options before choosing that one person. However, when you can choose as many people as you like, and you are still not even among the collective group of chosen ones, it does hit a person where it hurts. Right in the ego perhaps?

For someone like me, who is very conscious of friendships and the pleasure and value they add to my life, I am also very conscious of giving a lot to my friends. Being that no 2 people are the same, no 2 friendships are the same either. So yes, some require more than others. But I like to think I am conscious of the baseline requirements for each person and aim slightly higher than that.

For me, this means I tend to be the social planner, the one who will suggest time together. In some ways it is the best way to assure my seat at the table, assuming responsibility for the name cards. It means remembering special occasions without social media and making a fuss. It means being there for someone even if they are stuck in the same pattern they never escape and they come to you with the same problem over and over and over. It means reassurance and effort to be someone worth choosing, because when time is so valuable and limited, you have to be rewarding and valuable if you want people to choose to spend it on you.

I am well liked in my social group. All of my friends have wonderful things to say about me. My ex friends probably don’t, because they will be the people with whom I ceased putting in the effort when I felt unchosen in some way.

I don’t love it that friendships are secondary. However I have no choice but to accept it and I run a pretty good race for someone who knows second place is as good as it is going to get. I can accept a secondary place in a friend’s life. I observe their lives and how they spend their time and try to be convenient, not ask for a primary spot. I will allow you space at the beginning of a new romance to build what you need to with a partner, or not ask for time on the weekends because you are family oriented and that is when you see your family. I will however ask for the same energy I give you in return.

If I make time for you when my partner is available, I will expect that you will return the favour once in a while. If I am prepared to get up and message with you during a crises at 3am, I will expect you to be there for me when I need you. Sometimes it falls out of balance and I ask for more than I give, but more often than not I make sure I give more than I ask for. Maybe the problem is that I give more than they ask for even if they are willing to take it?

However, there always seems to come a time when no matter how much I have given, if something has to give, I will be the neglected party. I will be the person people choose to walk away from. No matter how valuable I was as a friend, it seems time and time again that friendship just isn’t a value to most people. The same thing that attracts them to me in the first place, will eventually drive them away.

And I used to wonder what specifically was driving them away. How could I be more valuable to people. How could I be less disposable? How could I find someone that would choose me when it was hard? How could I find someone that was giving what I was expecting not out of obligation but out of true desire to do so? How could I feel chosen?

Friendships are reciprocal, or at least they are meant to be, however I now know when someone doesn’t choose me, they are choosing themselves. And what a wonderful powerful realisation that is. I can choose me. I don’t need to walk around choosing friends, giving to receive. I can walk around with confidence knowing I am worth being chosen, being friendly, and seeing who gives to me before I reciprocate. I don’t need to control my seat at the table.

If I sit alone, with room for others, the right people will approach me for friendship. And I can choose if they will earn a seat with me. Because it is better to sit alone at your own table than to feel invisible at someone else’s.

To all the friends that didn’t choose me; thank you for leading by example. You chose yourselves. I wasn’t right for you. That is ok. Just know that I tried. We both deserve happiness and when you left my life, you made room for someone who actually wants to be there. I am good enough to be at your table, but from here on I have my own table and I choose me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Fall Back friend

How familiar are you with the friend who says “my partner is out of town, let’s catch up?” or does the friend who always calls when they are on leave from work sound familiar? Maybe the friend who is your bestie between partners but suddenly drops of the face of the earth the minute they are coupled up?

Whatever the reason, this friend tends to come and go from your life in unpredictable spurts, leaving you confused as to your actual meaning in their life, right? They think it is acceptable just to ditch you and roll on back to you later when the other people in their life are unavailable. If you are anything like me, you value consistency and this coming and going from your life is unnerving?

I am the first to admit that I have high expectations of my friends. I need them to carve out time in their lives on a semiregular basis to actually show up face to face and spend some quality time with me. I prefer it if there isn’t a long silence in between those times and that we maintain some level of basic communication or interaction.

That said, I am also the first to admit I will take a step back when a friend takes a partner. Obviously initially I respect the fact that they are attempting to build something meaningful between them and they will need time and privacy to do that. (Once that initial awkward dating phase ends that bring us closer as we debate the meanings of emoji’s in texts and what to wear on dates of course.) I assume responsibility for my friendships with my single friends.

That means I will suggest events, regularly message and invite them to go places etc… however, I have noticed an unspoken, and perhaps misunderstood pattern whereby I will pull back on these things and expect my friends to take the reins when they have entered a relationship. Not wanting to step on toes, and wanting to respect the new relationships my friends are exploring can possibly come off as a sudden disinterest from me.

Of course, if any of them appeared to notice or ask me about it, I could communicate that, however what tends to happen is that they get blissfully happy and start doing all the partnership things like sleepovers, family events, moving in, getting engaged, having kids etc…. whatever feels right for them. And sometimes, some of my friends have been known to kinda forget about our friendship and don’t remember until the first Saturday night they face alone for whatever reason. Then they suddenly reach out with the I miss you messages….

And of course, I am torn by this. Because part of me wants them to be happy and accepts that they are, which is why I haven’t heard from them. While the other part of me feels annoyed because all the while I made the effort when I was partnered. I will allow for the fact that my husband and I are settled. We have passed the honeymoon phase, cohabited, married and had kids. I will also allow for the fact that his hours are such that most of the time he isn’t actually around anyway, so maybe I am no better, just by design more available when he isn’t.

I accept the nature of friendships is to grow in the cracks of one another’s time, which is constricted by so many other roles and responsibilities. Yet, it still stings when a friend only rolls around when whatever else they have going on suddenly shift or end. I agree that forgiveness and going with the flow are imperative elements of long term friendships, and that these friends were not ill intentioned in our friendship. After all, any time they have needed me, I was there, so they have no reason to suspect that anything has changed between us.

Because when I needed them, they didn’t always know. Even if I was brave enough to reach out, if their best attempt to console me was a brief message saying “It will all be ok, sending love” I don’t feel loved and I am unlikely to ask for any more support, IF I asked for any to begin with. Of course I can’t entirely blame a friend for not offering me the support I didn’t ask for and they didn’t even know I needed.

However, I am always pretty clear that what I need is time, fairly regularly. If they don’t want to put in the time, then I will be less inclined to humour the odd request when they do have a spare moment. If the friendship is meaningful enough then I will make the time and try to treasure it based on its rarity and appreciate that with this only small nugget of time they have they chose to spend it with me! Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change indeed!

On the other hand, I also can’t deny I am torn. If a friend behaves in this manner, especially the kind who disappears and resurfaces only when single, I wont invest as heavily. I wont be the best version of a friend I can be, because I know that even if it’s not about me, that this person will leave again. When someone has already chosen to discard you, maybe more than once, is it ok not to continue allowing that behaviour?

I don’t want to advise anyone to cut off their nose to spite their face, however I think it sounds reasonable to say I want to be chosen by my friends. Actively chosen against perhaps better options. I don’t think it is a healthy pattern for me to continue allowing people to come and go from my life in this manner because it is hurtful to me and most of them do actually know that. I am not respecting myself, or asserting a boundary that I require consistency.

Moving forward I will have this conversation more candidly with people. I will also ask them single or otherwise, what their ideal relationship style looks like. Because maybe I am just not compatible with people who expect their partner to also be their best friend. That doesn’t leave much room for me and I would be wiser to accept this from the start. Most people, when asked directly how they handle friendships and relationships will deny they ditch their friends for a partner, so asking what they would ideally like in their future is a less direct but usually more effective way of assessing this.

I could risk losing some great people by limiting myself this way of course, I wouldn’t necessarily refuse to have anything to do with someone, just to limit the time and investment and keep it at a level I feel we can both maintain regardless, because once bitten, twice shy. Trying not to be extreme in your thinking, (or too rigid,) but also trying to still protect yourself is a difficult balance.

Thoughts?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do opposites attract in friendships?

My love of trashy eighties pop music is no secret, so you won’t be surprised to hear I was happily listening to my Paula Abdul album while pondering new fodder for blogs. When the song “Opposites Attract” came on I wondered if that was applicable to friendships. Does attraction come into friendships at all?

I always like to compare the similarities and differences between friendships and relationships, and am resigned to the fact that the ways that most people differentiate the 2 is by drawing a boundary physically. I know some situations challenge this idea, as we looked at in recent weeks. There are many more complicated dynamics in some situations or friendships, but for the sake of simplicity, today I am only referencing strictly platonic connections.

I suppose it is fair to say attraction would be the appropriate term to describe what draws us to a friendship with one person over another, but I am referencing physical attraction. Are we more attracted to individuals considered to be conventionally attractive? Or are we more likely to actively select less attractive friends on the basis of feeling more secure in ourselves? Or is it more accurate that we align ourselves with people we feel are of a similar social standing/appearance as ourselves?

Having observed my own patterns and those of the people around me, the answers to this seem to vary based on an individual’s self-esteem and their values. One friend reflected that most of her friends tend to be thin, while she is not. Although she aspires and admires this quality in her friends, she also quipped that it can make her feel insecure in those friendships and she doesn’t always feel completely able to be herself around them for fear of judgement. The people she aspires to be friends with are often people she feels are better than herself in some way, although these friendships can fail to launch due to her self-esteem telling her not to bother those beautiful people too much, and that if you must try, usefulness is key for lack of a more svelte physique.

I have also come across people who actively admit that they prefer to surround themselves with lesser attractive people. Some claim they have found these people to be nicer, in a way exploiting their low self-worth! However the pursuer has no higher self-esteem either, that is why they choose this path. This person wants to be the best house on a bad street rather than the worst on a good one, like our last scenario. By comparison to their friends, they appear more attractive, and at times consider that they are doing their friends a favour in socialising with them at all, almost an act of charity. However one has to assume deep down this is based on the fear that they are not quite good enough for people they would like to consider themselves on par with. Perhaps they also feel it is less effort and their friends are less likely to leave them.

In my own experiences I think it would be fair to say most of my friends seem to be on par with where I would rate myself physically. Each of them with their unique beauty, however probably traditionally average in terms of appearance. What I mean by that is that I like friends I can relate to. As weight has always been a struggle for me, many of my friends have struggled too. This is by no means code to say we are all overweight, simply that we have all struggled and weight tends to fluctuate. None of us would likely be chosen for a supermodel competition, however I would not say any of us are remarkably unattractive. I don’t recall selecting persons based on these attributes, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit I noticed or even felt more comfortable around people I felt I could instantly relate to, or who wouldn’t judge me based on size alone.

This reflects that similar to my friend in the first example, weight is something I notice and which influences my thoughts and feelings if I like it or not. Being self-aware generally means to observe yourself without judgement, just to notice things and be impartial to what you notice. This of course reflects more on myself than my friends, showing that I feel judged in general based on size, and it does influence my choices.

My last example is a friend who seems to have no active preferences when it comes to her friendships. Open and warm to all people, she has friends of varied levels of attractiveness, and does not limit herself based on anything physical. I have to hope this means she is very comfortable in herself, unconcerned with judgements of others, and does not allow her fears to rule her choices or limit her. When discussing this topic she described her attraction to others as more of an aura or presence. She felt she was similar to me in that she was drawn to people she felt she could relate to, but those relations were not swayed or limited by appearances alone.

I suspect she is onto something there, however I do tend to believe that in some circumstances, like in the second scenario opposites do attract. Not always a good thing though as it is portrayed in the song! And unlike magnets, sometimes similarities attract too, but is this limiting potential? All of us need to be more mindful that people are not tools to be used to gain social standing or acceptance. They are not stepping stones to a better life, nor charities.

Because attraction is not usually something we choose, I cannot ask you to change yourself. What I can suggest however, is that you are more aware of the connections you are forming with people and if they are fulfilling and meaningful and reciprocal. If you notice you have unhealthy patterns, try approaching your next friendship with more confidence and inner security and see how it changes things?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If you want the friendship to stay the same then your effort has to also stay the same.

In the past few weeks, I have reflected here on a friendship which had become very close over the past few years, and then abruptly changed last year because circumstances for both of us also changed. While I have written about this situation before, when speaking with a friend about a similar situation between her and one of her friends more recently, I had a little epiphany about it I thought I should share.

Previously my friend’s friend lived close by the dog park where my friend takes her dogs walking most days. As a consequence of that, my friend often stopped by on the way to or from the dog park. It may have been for 10 minutes or an hour. Sometimes it was a social visit, or to deliver or even borrow something. Whatever the reason, those small increments of time added up. These small interactions meant they knew the little details of each other’s lives.

They knew if one of them had a bad day, they knew if something funny happened, and they knew the general schedule and ins and outs of daily life. They felt connected. My friend felt like a part of the family, she even had a key for their house. Not that she needed it because she would just let herself in through the open door. They left it unlocked for her.

It felt warm and safe and very secure. It felt forever, as family does. However, things changed. Distance started creeping in first when my friend became more involved with her own family when another new member arrived. Then a group friendship issue seemed to spill over a little into the bond and widened the cracks, although it wasn’t spoken about. Then my friend’s friend moved around half an hour away.

All of a sudden, in a short space of time, daily drop in’s had become every few days, then weekly, then monthly, and wittered down to birthdays and Christmas within a year. My friend felt very low about this as she expressed to me that it felt she was still making the effort but they were not. She said the friendship felt distant, strained, and unimportant and essentially she felt pushed out. She no longer had a key to their lives or their hearts, and she missed them.

But during this discussion we landed on the fact that her friend had never really made any effort in this friendship. My friend came and went from their house while they got on with their daily lives. It wasn’t her fault, this was just convenient for them both. It could also be said while my friend was the one making all the effort, it wasn’t actually an effort, as she was passing anyway. Like, she wasn’t specifically going to visit them, but happened to stop by before or after the activity which she was doing anyway.

Now, all of a sudden this friendship was heavy because it required planning and effort to go and see them. Foresight to make invitations and suggestions. Thought about one another. They hadn’t been weighed down by this before. Of course we think about loved ones on birthdays or Christmas or other special occasions, but day to day? Probably not really.

So my friend was only partially right when she said her friend couldn’t accuse her of not making an effort. Before she was making much more effort to keep in touch with them daily, however now she was only making minimal effort. Her friend has continued to make the same minimal to no effort that she always made. The difference is that where it was convenient to make the effort before it no longer is.

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, has to be that if you want the friendship to be as rewarding as it always was, you must maintain the same amount of effort you always did.

I am not suggesting it should all be my friend’s responsibility just because it always has been. It would be fantastic if she could speak with her friend and ask with some help carrying the load. I have recommended it. However my friend is likely insecure she won’t be worth the effort because she never asked for that before.

What I am suggesting is that my friend made more effort before because it was convenient. Now it is not convenient she IS making less effort and that IS why the bond isn’t the same. She could still make time to do a quick video chat, send memes or messages to keep the connection alive, but because it isn’t in her face, like driving past their house, she doesn’t remember.

You have to make conscious effort, you have to be mindful of your connections. My friend could put a weekly reminder in to call them. She could invite them to her house if she doesn’t feel like driving there. She could make plans to meet someplace half way for a meal. She could send notes in the mail or send memes or messages. Gifts or articles that say “I saw this and thought of you.” Things that keep them connected.

At the end of the day, if you change the amount of effort, the amount of friendship changes too. It is not always convenient! It is not always easy. But it is always worth it.

My friend eventually took my advice and talked to her friend. Invited her, and the group as an olive branch to a brunch at her house. Her friend, and the group accepted this invitation gracefully, and my friend is already feeling happier.

Just like anything in life, effort is everything. Rewards don’t come for free. Resilience is key. Keep trying. The friendship probably won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean it won’t still be meaningful because they made the choice to stay connected!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx