So many of the people who write in to this blog have a similar complaint – their friends never reach out first, initiate contact or suggest getting together. While their friends are mostly accommodating if they touch base themselves and suggest something, my readers are left with a sour taste in their mouth about always having to go first.
The general consensus is that it leaves my readers feeling undervalued, and as if their friends wouldn’t really care if they weren’t friends. I can totally relate to this feeling, and I am willing to bet quite a few of you are too. It’s not nice to feel like your friends wouldn’t care or even notice if you just dropped out of their lives. Suddenly the weight of your friendship rests solely on your shoulders and you start getting resentful that it is supposed to be a joint commitment.
So I thought I would share my own experiences with this issue, because I have lots of practice with it, and because there can be several reasons why this is happening. None of them are about you, or your friendship, or about you being a good enough friend! Believe it or not, I think your friends would miss you, and they would notice if you suddenly weren’t around, although I wouldn’t recommend testing them.
I am a big believer in matching someone’s level of investment, so if I feel a friend has consistently let the friendship responsibility fall on me, I will pull back on initiating. I won’t stop altogether. We are friends, so I obviously like the person and want to stay friends. And I have to accept that I have played my part in what has become an unhealthy pattern in the friendship. If I always reach out first, my friend doesn’t think she has to, she knows I will! Or maybe she doesn’t get the chance, because I get in there first?!
The first thing I want to point out is that obviously friendships are pretty important to me, and a priority in my life. It is actually not that common. Most people don’t prioritise friendships and as such, genuinely don’t even think about catching up if I don’t plant that seed. I can’t force them to share my values around friendship, I have to just accept that while they enjoy my company, they don’t share the same level of social need that I do. It isn’t personal, even if they are constantly making time for someone else and not me. Chances are it is also that other friend who is pursuing that time with them too. So if I am the one wanting to chat or spend time, it should be me who reaches out, right?!
However, as I said, I will pull back and reach out to different people if it gets too heavy, and it’s a feeling I can’t ignore. 9 times out of 10, the friend in question will actually reach out…. Eventually. Not as soon as I would have, and certainly not as soon as I would have liked, but they will reach out. Sometimes that alone is enough for me to feel reassured that I was wrong and they do care. Other times, it is enough for them to realise that they need to actually initiate sometimes, because they never really noticed before that it was always me. Why would they?
Another reason a friend may not initiate is anxiety. A few of my friends are so worried about being bothersome, that it cripples them from reaching out at all. It’s sad that they feel this way, and I really hope I am not doing something that exacerbates this feeling, like not responding to messages in a timely manner or being too short with them or rushed when we do speak. They assure me that isn’t the case but they worry about things like messaging or calling at an inconvenient time, interrupting or annoying me. They worry about asking for time because everyone is so busy and they don’t want to be a burden; just another thing to do on a long list. They worry about suggesting the wrong activity or being excited about something in case I feel pressured. They basically are trying to put themselves totally aside to be as accommodating as possible. They also like to know they are missed, and valued and that I will reach out. I do care. Then when I do they know it is because I wanted to and not because they asked.
Which brings me to my next point. I have friends who do initiate, frequently, and to be honest it isn’t always the most convenient!! One pro about being the initiator is that I can plan myself and my life around my other things and other people. If I know I can’t do Saturday, for example, because it is my dad’s birthday lunch, I won’t suggest it. However it does feel a bit frustrating when someone else tries to initiate and you can’t find a time that works for both of you. You feel like you are the one being difficult even though their schedule is also not working with yours! My schedule is so opposite most peoples. I don’t work so I am mostly available during the day when they aren’t. My husband works most weekends so I am available then but most of my friends’ partners will be home and spending couple or family time then. My husband works 12 hour shifts and comes home at 7pm and that is when I turn the phone down and spend time with him, whereas many of my friends have just put the kids to bed and sat down. That is when they can talk. So it is frustrating navigating the calls and messages I get in the evenings when I am meant to be spending quality time with him. Although my friends are understanding of this, and are happy to wait for my reply until morning, I still sometimes feel torn about receiving the messages when I am unavailable and would prefer to get them when I am, obviously.
I have a friend who always calls. I almost never call her or initiate talking. She is a very busy woman and I know she doesn’t have the time. So she calls when she can and I make the effort to answer when I can and enjoy the effort and the chats even if it is always when she is driving. That is when she has time and I am pleased she thinks to call. However this same friend never initiates plans. If I want to see her or do anything, she will leave that up to me to arrange. She’s the type likely to call at 8pm and ask for my time on a whim. But if I am already in my pyjamas and cosy with hubby, I am unlikely to be up for anything. So because I prefer to plan and she doesn’t, she lets me plan things. It works. We each have our roles.
The reason it works is because neither of us is score keeping. She isn’t upset I never call, she’s glad she can get to it when she has time, and I am not upset she never suggests plans, because as a planner I can suggest dates and times that work for me and she’ll usually be free because she isn’t a planner. Score keeping is basically deciding your friends don’t like you and care about you and value time together, then collecting evidence to support your theory.
They say you can find evidence to support anything and everything if you look hard enough, so why would you look for negatives in what is meant to be a positive? Look for evidence that they do like and value you, and you’ll find it. You’ll feel much better about it too!! It doesn’t matter who called who as long as you enjoyed the interaction, if you want to call a friend, call them! You’ll feel better than sitting around wishing they would call you and feeling resentful about it.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
