It is important to know, before you enter a best friendship, what the word best friends means to you, practically, and what it means to your friend too! While the term best friends makes me somewhat uncomfortable, I support the premise of best friendships. I believe the concept often outlives the people in it. That we have someone or a maybe even few select friends to whom we feel closest at any one time, however those people change over the years.
Maybe those people change over the years because our definitions or expectations of a best friend were never the same to begin with? Most people I know tend to think of best friendships as a lifelong commitment, so straight off the bat my expectation that the friendship may cease to look, feel or be defined in the same capacity, is at odds with people’s expectations. Of course I used to think of it the same way as them, however have learned that is not healthy for me through experience, and found it helpful to manage my expectations and perceptions around the concept. Let’s explore that.
For some, the title “best” implies a hierarchy, a priority and an exclusivity between 2 friends. You cannot therefore, by that description have more than one. A person with this belief system may indeed feel slighted to learn you have someone else with whom you feel equally close. For others they may hold the expectation that a best friend should always be supportive and positive, while their friend feels strongly that a dose of harsh truth is the measure of true friendship. Or while one person may hold the belief that a partner always supersedes a friendship, the other may hold the opposite expectation.
While these expectations may lie dormant when things are going smoothly, they can easily cause the friendships to weaken when circumstances change. This can leave us dumbfounded and shell shocked, questioning our entire friendship as a result. The real issues probably don’t lie in each other, or our friendship, but more so in the mismatched beliefs in our values and expectations around this issue.
This can be a tricky thing to navigate. One of the most common problems is that we tend to assume that people will respond to us in similar ways that we would respond to them, so it never occurs to us to discuss how we need our friends to show up for us. Even when a friend does communicate what they want, need and expect from us it can be difficult to communicate if we do not share a similar vision.
One friend may like to communicate daily, whereas the other friend may feel this is unnecessary and become quickly irritated by the constant intrusion. Or one friend may expect that the other will include and welcome their partner into their friendship while the other expects that the friendship will continue as it is with just the 2 of them involved. These things tend to cause friendships to fracture, in a similar way that a relationship can fracture when you eventually discover that only one of you wants children.
Luckily very few of the issues we are facing as friends are quite as non-negotiable or difficult to compromise on as that, however, the fact remains that these are conversations we should be having consistently throughout our friendships to stay on the same page, and issues should be addressed as they present and not left until it is too late. Friendships are still a vehicle that need to be driven with care to maintain that they stay on the right road to an agreed destination.
Before you call someone a best friend, you should have known them for a long while, long enough to witness their patterns and history with others. To really weigh up their character and see if your values align. Next, you should ask them what they expect of a best friend, how often they expect to communicate, how much time and attention they have for friends when they are partnered, and what their love languages are in friendships. Lastly you should ask them their visions for the future, how they picture their lives and see how it compares with how you see your own.
As someone who values friendship, for example, I expect to still see friends outside of my marriage, separate to my partner and I need regular quality alone time with friends to really feel connected and like they are showing up for me. That means as much as I may like and have things in common with someone, if they foresee their future including an enmeshed relationship where they only socialise as a couple, that is not a good match for me long term because even if it meets my needs right now, it probably won’t, forever. That doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, only that I need to keep my expectations in check in the future and my investment at a level I can maintain when their future eventuates. Similarly, if someone is weighing me up for best friendship, they need to be aware that I like face time pretty regularly, so if they know that they’re probably too busy to meet that need of mine, they shouldn’t get too close.
Of course, we cannot always help who we click with, and sometimes it’s not with someone who is as compatible long term as we would have hoped. In which case, all we can do is compromise, and offer our best selves and hope it is enough. Be mature, accommodating and forgiving. The reason best friends makes me uncomfortable these days is because it feels unrealistic not to mention too much pressure to place on one person to be all things, and meet all your long term needs. If your best friend is someone who’s future or values don’t quite match you own, I’d suggest not putting all your eggs in their basket, and being open to very difficult vulnerable conversations whereby you expect to compromise as much as your friend, for the good of your friendship.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
