This is such a hard question to answer, and I want to start right here and tell you that I actually don’t know the answer myself. I can only tell you that I have walked away and that people have walked away from me too. Obviously each situation is different, so there is no one size fits all solution. For me it has been a feeling more than a set of events or signs for example.
However on reflection of friendships lost, perhaps there were ways to salvage things that I didn’t try for one reason or another? Fear of rejection? Feeling paralysed? Not wanting to say or do the wrong thing or be perceived as wrong, bad or unfriendly? Or even letting things get so bad that walking away was a relief rather than a sad loss? It happens! The main undercurrent I can detect in my own circumstances though, was feeling psychic. Yes, psychic?!
I know how odd that sounds, so let me explain and see if you can relate! I suppose I tend to think I already know that the outcome is going to be an ending. Bleak, but true. Pessimist remember!
In retrospect, I have been looking for a friendly way to deal with conflict, when the nature of conflict is unfriendly. In a bid to avoid conflict I perhaps bring upon myself the very endings I wish to avoid by avoiding any opportunity for resolution!
If a friend has said or done something hurtful, crossed a boundary or made me uncomfortable in some way, I struggle to articulate that. Because it is confrontational. Because it implies blame. Because I imagine the friend in question will be dismissive of my feelings, or deny their actions. If they don’t deny it they may excuse it by explaining intent. Even if they apologise, it’s a bit like that scrunched up paper theory, it doesn’t fix things necessarily.
I am all too aware that sometimes this is because I take my feelings too seriously. Or because I ignore them and attempt to suppress them until there is far too much hurt and pain to continue. That I am guilty of forgetting that thoughts and feelings are not facts. If you forgot about my birthday and I think it means you don’t care about me, for example, then I might forget that was just a thought, which influenced negative feelings about not being cared about. These things can spiral pretty quickly, and it can be difficult to stop and gain some perspective about alternative scenario’s that aren’t about me. Like maybe you had other more urgent things taking up your mental space?! (That was an example. If you forgot my birthday, I’m not mad, I promise! Haha)
So sometimes I am definitely guilty of making myself feel worse instead of helping the situation, convincing myself things are worse than they might be and as a defense mechanism can withdraw as a result. However that is not always, or even often the case. Most of the time a boundary has been violated, or the friendship has become one sided or something else pretty obvious has occurred and it isn’t feeling ok with me. I know exactly what has happened but I can’t figure out a way to articulate myself in a way that doesn’t seem confrontational.
When I imagine the conversations in my head, the other person is defensive, angry, or finds ways to turn things around and make it all my fault. The idea of it turning ugly paralyses me. I’m not sure how to approach the situation or what to say, there’s a good chance I will just avoid the situation or the person all together. This has NOT been helpful. Somewhere in my subconscious mind the outcome is obvious – ugly confrontations lead to endings, so why not just skip the middle and be done with it?
However when someone talked to me recently about something I had done that was upsetting, I was apologetic, and compassionate in my response. I was surprised to hear that my friend felt the way she did, however I accepted accountability for it. (When I ran the scenario past a few people I trust and admire, they agreed with my friend and could understand how she’d felt.) So I learnt 2 lessons that day. The first one was to be more mindful of my words when awkward situations arose! The second one was that my friend trusted me enough to resolve this issue in a way that didn’t make for an ugly scenario and an ending.
Something I have perhaps not been vulnerable enough to practice with others. The people pleaser in me lives on, and I must fight to remember she is not psychic, and at times she is not helpful. So to answer my own question, the time to walk away is not too soon! As a general rule. only after you have tried everything you can to resolve the situation no matter how scary or vulnerable that feels. (Naturally this only applies if you actually do want to keep the friendship.) If your friend has upset you in some way, let them know, so that they can show you that they care enough to fix it and trust that they do and they will!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
