It is only my love of alliteration that would cause me to use the word fight in the title there. However, whatever word you prefer to use; falling out, disagreement, space, harsh words…. The sentiment is the same. You and a close friend have encountered conflict, and now, you’re wanting to find a resolution and move on harmoniously.
The word fracture, was more intentional, because these conflicts, while natural, can cause pain and can cause cracks in the foundations of your friendships. If not managed with proper care, it could turn into a break, which most often ends in a break up! Which is sad, because in most cases the 2 people involved really do (or did anyway) like and love and respect one another and value the connection.
The most painful conflicts tend to be with the people to whom we are closest and most heavily invested. Unfortunately, these are the same connections that are laden with expectation and all the other heavy emotions that can add to the strain of the fracture. Not to mention the urgency one feels to fix the situation immediately which can only make decisions worse.
The similarities to a fractured limb for example, don’t end there; A fractured limb needs gentle tending, time to mend, rest and support. If you want to mend your fractured friendship, it will need the same, and it will take both of you to provide it to the other. This can be the trickiest part – it becomes your job to take care of the very person who caused your own pain. Each of you need to provide support; each of you needs to feel secure that you both want to make this work, that one of you isn’t going to walk away. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for space, because space is part of what you probably need. What it does mean is that space shouldn’t be open ended perhaps. It might be wise to suggest that you each take a few days to a week to cool off and think things over before making contact again to try and think it through.
During that week, each of you should contemplate not only your point/perspective, but that of the other person too, and more importantly how to express yourself in ways conducive to reconciliation. After your agreed upon timeframe of space has passed, each of you must commit to making time together to talk it through. Now, some people do prefer to skip this step. And for some of them, it works. I can’t tell you what is best in your particular friendship, all I can tell you is that if you do have this talk, each person has to approach it with an apologetic attitude.
That is not to say that you were wrong, only that you are sorry for the strain it has caused between you, that you do not wish to continue fighting, and you are sorry that your friend has been distressed by the events. Similarly, they should also feel apologetic for the strain and distress caused to you. Approach the conversation with love. Naturally, defences will be high, when usually, all each of you really wants is to feel loved and respected and validated.
In my own experiences, if a friend thinks they cannot validate my experience, or refuses to apologise, they will blow past my apology and say it is “water under the bridge.” This used to really bother me, because I wanted to pull the experience apart. However, I now see it is an act of love. If my friend feels they were right and I was wrong – and nothing I say is likely to change that perspective, there really isn’t any point in discussing it, is there? In their own way, they are trying to protect my pride, and not forcing me to yield or beg for forgiveness.
So what next? You have had the space, then the conversation, (or not)…. How do you go back to the way things were? You wont like this, but the answer is, you don’t. That would be considered forcing it. What you should do, is commit to spending time together. Possibly not as much time as before, but with some level of consistency. You tolerate some distance between you. You work hard at creating new happy moments together and you build it back up slowly over time.
You might feel sensitive about it. If your friend cancels one of your plans in the beginning it will be hard to ignore the voice in your head that wants to convince you this means it is all over, it is the beginning of the end. Be patient. Be understanding. Be forgiving. Keep trying. Reschedule. Be there. Don’t give up. The voice in your head might be right. It takes 2 to tango and if your friend doesn’t want to fix things, then they won’t be fixed. But at least you will know you did all you could and your heart was open to reconciliation.
In some cases, it may take years to get back on track, or to even reconnect at all. Both parties have to be ready, have to want it equally, and have to do their part. Eventually that means letting it go, whether you got your apology or not. It means leaving it in the past and just rebuilding moving forwards.
For the friends that have managed reconciliation with me, be it big or small, thank you for loving me when I least deserved it, because you knew it was when I most needed it. Thank you for your apologies, or not. Thank you for still showing up, for letting it go, for not allowing fractures become breaks. For still seeing the positives in me when it was not as clear and sticking with me when it was not as rewarding. Thank you for getting through awkward periods of space, for trusting that we didn’t mean to hurt each other and for being patient enough that we could still be close again.
Not all my friendships have survived, but the ones remaining were worth fighting for. I am not naïve enough to think that we wont encounter more conflict on our journey, but I can say I do feel more secure, that we come out the other side a little stronger each time, and learn which insecurities need reinforcements, which blows were too low and which topics or situations should be avoided at all costs! Haha
If a friend is worth fighting with, chances are, the friendship is worth fighting for.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
