Haha this title is a sneaky reference to an ongoing joke in our house that relates to the Ellie Goulding song “codes” as my daughter misheard the lyrics “stop talking in codes” as “stop talking to goats” followed by the question “Why is she talking to goats?” She insists this is not at all funny, but it always makes me giggle when I hear the song, and I hope it always does. Have you ever googled misheard song lyrics. Funny stuff, I recommend it on your ‘when I am bored’ google list.
Anyway, the song is about a love interest I presume, and insinuates that the artist feels confused by this person’s behaviour. While that is very common in modern dating, I find it equally applies to friendships at an alarmingly high rate. And I am not only talking about those “it’s complicated” friendships with benefits, although that definitely applies here too.
What resonates especially with the song lyrics, is the idea that sometimes even friends can be unclear of their intentions. They might call you a “best friend” but seemingly treat you more like a casual acquaintance. Or they may be hot and cold, best friends one week, ditched the next. Perhaps they treat you like a bit of a back up plan in case their plans fall through or when they are in between romantic interests.
These people can be hard to pin down. They often talk in circles and can be careful what words they use. For example, a friend of mine once told her when she questioned an absentee friend about the state of the friendship, that the person in question responded “I still consider myself to be a friend of yours.” I thought that was an especially deceptive response. So much so that over 10 years later I still remember it. I still consider myself to be a friend of yours? Is that to say that you don’t consider me to be a friend of yours? Yes, that is exactly what it implies.
If that isn’t speaking in codes, I don’t know what is. In order to hear what is really being said, you have to tune in to what is NOT being said. People who speak in codes are quite purposeful with their words. On the surface, it appears to be saying “we are still friends, of course!” But that isn’t what it says at all, and if that is what was meant by it, then that is what it would have said. It does not address the fact that the person was left in so much doubt by their actions that they even felt they had to ask if they were indeed friends. That in of itself speaks volumes, don’t you think? Not to mention that the answer implies that the person asking the question has no ownership over who they consider to be their friend. “I consider myself to be a friend of yours?” That isn’t up to you, and it isn’t really what was asked, was it? I doubt the person reached out and asked “Hey, things have been a bit distanced between us, I am not sure if I still like you, can you clarify that for me please? Do I still consider you my friend?”
It also removes ownership of the askers ability to dispute it. It almost says “I don’t care what you think or feel. Whether you like me or not, whether or not you agree even, I consider myself your friend.” It is deceitful and manipulative and dodges accountability entirely. This person was not acting like a friend, hence the question in the first place. How can you consider yourself a friend of a person to whom you are not acting like a friend? Even if it was your place to dictate, which it isn’t.
If any of you are Married at First Sight Australia fans, the contestant Bec comes to mind. (Yes, I am a shameless trashy reality tv addict! Haha) This character always talked around the question. Her match was never quite sure where he stood with her. The reason she did this, in my humble opinion, and the reason anyone chooses to do this generally speaking is because the truth is unpleasant, and saying it out loud serves to make the person saying it look like a bad person. So Bec couldn’t say she just wasn’t that into her match on the show because he had bad teeth – that would make her appear shallow, so instead, she tried to find any reason under the sun to justify not being into him and string him along pretending to be working on things but in reality, just waiting to get away from him for good after the show ended. Similarly, the friend in the above example probably felt it was too harsh to say “You’re right, I don’t like you anymore, we are not friends. I don’t want us to never speak again. If we see each other at a function we can be casually polite, so I look like a better person, but essentially our friendship is dead.” So, she answered around the question in what seemed pleasing but was actually as hollow as it felt.
It would be unfair to imply that anyone who has spoken in codes always does so. Perhaps we all speak in codes at times. However, you have to ask yourself isn’t it kinder in the long run not to leave people guessing and hanging? Wouldn’t it be kinder to say “I have noticed us drifting apart lately too, it is always sad that as people grow up, they grow apart, however for now we must accept that we are on separate paths and life is taking us in different directions. I wish you all the best for your future as I am unlikely to see it. Thanks for the years of friendship we shared in our history.” It leaves no doubt. It says the cruellest truth in the kindest way possible and it leaves them both free to move on.
When people speak in codes, they are keeping you in a holding pattern. They are denying accountability and they are thinking more of themselves than of you. If you can’t get a straight answer out of someone, that is worse than hearing the worst-case scenario. They are not protecting you; they are protecting themselves. That is not the actions of a friend.
In the song lyrics she says “Give me something new to think about.” This references all the time spent decoding what someone means, refusing to hear the ugliest truths and refusing to accept them. At the end of the day, if someone is speaking in codes, you probably wont like what you uncover, so don’t waste your time. Move on to someone who is clear in their intent, someone who tells you the truth and means it…. For better or worse! It might not be until death do you part, but if you waste time trying to hear what you want to hear in the codes, you can easily die trying. I know people who have wasted upwards of 10 years already! A true friend’s words and actions will match. If they like you, you’ll know. If you don’t know….. well then sorry to say, but you have your answer… they don’t. Not really.
You can’t force people to stop talking in codes…. But my daughter was right in that talking to goats would be just as helpful. What you can do, is stop talking to goats, and stop decoding while you are at it. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
