Last week I posted about being a bad friend. In one of the points, I talked about forgetting to respond to friends’ messages. This week, I wanted to explore that further and address the pros and cons of instant messaging technology and expectations around it.
The technology was created to meet demand. When it was first introduced, we loved the ability to be able to contact our nearest and dearest wherever they were whenever we needed to. In emergencies it was wonderful to be able to phone someone if you had a flat tyre, or needed immediate help. And initially that is what we used it for. Then, slowly over time, mobiles became the main hub of communication. First people stopped having land lines in preference of mobiles. Then they were able to send text messages, take and send pictures and emails, host social media, and all of a sudden everyone is connected to everyone else all the time.
And while you would think this would make our connections stronger, it sometimes has the adverse effects. For a start it gives people constant access to us, and us to others, at times when we may actually not really be accessible. It created the pressure and expectation of instant responses. And while that is a major selling point of the devices, it is also one of the major pitfalls too. Isn’t that ironic, Alanis?
We used to call landlines and leave a message on an answering machine, when they were invented, and wait patiently for a response. If we didn’t get one, we assumed they either weren’t home or forgot to check their messages and we would simply call back later. If it was an emergency, we called places we thought they may be, and got a group of people involved in tracking them down! Haha Now, however, we can see when they have read the message and how long between that time and their reply has lapsed. Adding a further layer of controversy, we can even see if the person was online not replying to us in the meantime! Talk about insult to injury! Haha
First of all, I would like to state that these things are not always accurate. My mum messaged me when she thought I was online. I replied a few hours later and she said she saw me online when she sent the message. As I was very stressed correcting my son’s maths homework, making dinner and rushing to get fuel and then get my daughter to gymnastics, I was not at all online I assure you. So that is my first point.
My second, is why should we be important enough to interrupt a friend’s important work meeting, or relaxation bath or time with family or other friends for example? Are people not allowed to be unavailable to us? Are they not allowed to get back to us in their own time? We really need to check our expectations here for instantaneous responses. Even if we feel we need one or it would’ve been simple for them to send a quick yes or no, for example, we actually have no idea where they are or what they are doing and maybe lose sight of the fact that our communication was not a top priority for them in that moment.
I am writing this, in part, to hold myself accountable for this mistake as much as anyone else, and take responsibility for the fact that I sometimes take it way too personally if a friend leaves me on read, especially if I see they have been online, despite my knowledge that this is not always accurate. To remind myself that it is ok that sometimes other things are more important for my friend than me.
It serves as a reminder also, that it is so easy to read a message and then get distracted and forget to reply! Honestly it is. You think to yourself you just have to pop to the bathroom quickly before you respond. When you are in the bathroom, you notice you are low on toilet paper and need to add it to your list. When you return to your phone it is still on your friend’s message, but you close it to quickly add toilet paper to your shopping app before you forget. When you close the list, you see you have an email or a Facebook notification and just like that you have forgotten all about your friend’s communication.
I get it. It happens. Maybe you don’t remember until the next day, and you know your friend will be a bit upset because you know they spoke to you and you left them hanging. So, you do the right thing and apologise for forgetting, admit you got distracted and things move along. However, there is an unwritten timeframe you have to recover from this faux pas. Every day that passes that you still don’t remember is silence to a friend who is trying to be patient while waiting for a reply. And silence sends a strong message that gets ironically louder each day it goes on.
The first day your friend thinks you were busy at work and you will get back to them later, after dinner when you wind down for the day. After that they justify that you fell asleep early, or had to work late and didn’t get a chance to respond, and they will definitely hear from you by the next day. When that also doesn’t happen, they start to read over their message. Was it offensive or insensitive in some way? Have they upset you? Are you deliberately ignoring you? The next day they are mad. How dare you just leave them on read like they aren’t worthy of a response. You spoke to them and they completely ignored your communication. Even if they forgot to reply, are you not important enough to them to even have crossed their mind this week to jog their memory?
Now, both parties have to take responsibility here, because often, the person who forgot feels bad and doesn’t know how to approach the conversation now that they have left you on read for a week, they are embarrassed and ashamed and they know they have hurt you. If this happens to you, own up to it and apologise. You do owe them an apology. If you are the waiting party, why did you keep waiting? Why not send your friend a reminder message saying “still waiting for an answer in case you got busy and forgot?!”
We need to be more forgiving and understanding of each other. People forget things, and people get hurt and upset by things. Nobody is inherently bad because of this miscommunication. Our expectation for instant replies is part of the problem, as is our constant busyness. We both need to work on making our communication meaningful and it means remembering to give each other the benefit of the doubt. That I understand you didn’t reply because you got busy and you forgot and it wasn’t that important to you, and I will forgive you if you own up to it and apologise and try to do better in the future.
Let’s try and do our best to think the best of each other and not the worst!!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
