Have you wondered to yourself if you are a bad friend? Or worse, been outright accused, judged and sentenced for the crime? Despite your best efforts, do you always feel you are letting a friend down? Honestly, human nature makes us all selfish or self-involved at times. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. However, if this is a pattern or a persevering insecurity, here is a list of 10 traits that may make you seem like a bad friend, and what to do instead!
Friendships are important to us all and nobody tries to be a bad friend, we all want to consider ourselves and our friendships good, even if all of us are guilty of one or two of these things. The issue is when you recognise yourself or your friend in ALL the traits, in which case, maybe send them the link to this article! Haha
1. You never ask how they are.
Ok, I have a friend who will tell me how she is without me even needing to ask, but for the most part, this basic way of showing you care goes a long way. Particularly if that friend was experiencing something major in their life at the time you last spoke. Even if you are like my friend, and pretty open with how you are, do not make the mistake of thinking everybody is the same. Take the time to ask your friend how they are, how their family or important people are, how their relationships or work is, and leave space for them to answer.
2. You don’t listen.
Maybe this should have been point number one, because if this is you, chances are you don’t remember if your friend was experiencing something big last time you spoke in order to follow up now! You may think that you are listening, and asking all the right questions, but if you don’t listen it will be evident pretty quickly. I had a friend who listened to me whinge about a situation I was in for at least a year, and supported me when I finally made the change to remove myself. I spoke about this at great length and my friend said all the right things, and remembered to ask about it at our catch up’s. However, a while after I removed myself, I mentioned that situation again in casual conversation and my friend was perplexed and surprised saying she had not realised the key reason I decided to remove myself. It was clear then that while she was hearing me each time, she wasn’t actually listening. And now that I know that about her I notice all the time ways in which she isn’t actually paying attention to me, but rather thinking about what she will say next or something else entirely. Listen closely enough to your friends that you have a full understanding of what they are saying, ask relevant questions, and remember the details, even if you need to put reminders in your phone to help you out!
3. You make all conversations about yourself.
Sometimes this is an innocent mistake. Your friend experiences something and wants to share it with you. And because you are listening, it really resonates with you. So you share the story about the time it happened to you, and before you know it, in an effort to relate, you have stolen the conversation and your friend is not venting anymore, but listening. At best, you can catch yourself and bring it back to the friend by saying this is what I thought and felt, and did, what did you think and feel and say and do? At worst, while trying to relate to your friend you have actually shut them down and indicated that you are not a safe person to talk to. Make sure all conversations give both people room to speak and share. Or only one of you will feel connected and you may be oblivious to the fact your friend isn’t and equally surprised if the friendship ends.
4. You cancel at the last minute all the time!
We all have an emergency or unforeseen issue from time to time that makes us need to cancel plans at short notice. A sick kid, a vehicle issue, a headache, or a meeting that runs over time for example. These things are forgivable and understandable. As individual occurrences. That said, should your kid be sick, then next time your car wont start, then the time after that you have a headache, followed by a meeting that runs late, you better believe you are going to have friendship issues. Face to face time with our friends is important and it takes equal investment from both parties to make it rewarding. Even if all those things genuinely happen, your friend will be questioning your investment if every other thing was more important than them. Because you make time for what is important. You uber over if your car wont start, or ask them to pick you up instead, you tell your boss you can’t work late because you have important plans, or you take a paracetamol and get on with it. Because showing your friend they are important to you is just as important as saying they are.
5. You never initiate contact.
I can be totally guilty of this one at times. Sometimes it is genuine insecurity that the person in question doesn’t want to hear from me. But those insecurities are normally brought on by the other factors on this list which have sent me the message that I am not, or friendships in general are not a priority for my friend. Other times we just get lazy. I know I have one friend who reaches out to me almost daily. I love that she remembers and thinks about me and I don’t have to worry because she will initiate. However when I have that attitude I rob her of the opportunity to know that I care and I thought about her too. Friendships are reciprocal, which means you should be equally invested and each feel equally welcome to initiate. What to do? Initiate contact. Just say hello, let them know you were thinking of them. Ask to arrange some time together. It’s pretty simple.
6. You forget to reply to messages or invitations.
So you have a friend who always initiates, and you love that they do because you are always so busy and stressed that you would never see them if they didn’t take control and pin you down? Except when they try, you forget to respond, because, well, like you already said, you are always so busy! You meant to respond, but just had to quickly dash to the loo first, and then you got distracted and left them on read for a week? Let me tell you that this will not be appreciated. Even if you genuinely did forget, you were important enough that this person approached you and tried to engage, and they were not even important enough to remember to respond to? It is the equivalent of someone walking up to you on the street and saying hello, and you stopping to tie your shoe, then just walking away from them without a word. Now we all know how intrusive phones can be, because they interrupt you at times when your friends typically wouldn’t be able to contact you before. I am an advocate of replying in your own time. (More on this topic coming soon!) But make sure you do respond in a timely manner, or shoot a quick message to ask you again later as you are busy right this second and unlikely to remember.
7. You never make the effort.
This can be a culmination of all the factors. Maybe you don’t listen well, don’t ask how they are, remember details of their lives, talk about yourself constantly, let them initiate, only respond half the time when they do and flake often. In which case, you are sending your friend a pretty strong message that you are only interested when you have literally no other options and they should probably invest elsewhere. But sometimes it isn’t that simple. Sometimes this means that they are the one who always has to book the restaurant, or drive or bring the movie snacks. Maybe they are the one who always has to suggest time together or it will never happen. Most people will let this slide initially, but after a while they will become resentful that it always somehow feels like they are chasing your time and attention. Like you are more important to them than they are to you. A grand gesture once in a while goes a long way, but consistent effort is the only real solution to this one. And if your friend honestly isn’t as important, maybe it is time to let them go so they can find people who do value them as highly. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.
8. You Phub them.
Ok, so you do listen and you do remember the details and you do initiate contact and show up when you say you will. But then while you are there, you are glued to your phone. You have to be present when you are present and your friend has to know, has to feel that presence from you in order to feel connected. Put your phone away and engage with your friend. If you find yourself struggling to pay attention or losing interest, wondering what that latest buzz might be, remind yourself that your friend and your friendship is equally as important and you don’t want to have a phone addiction…..
9. You’re too competitive.
If your friend just bought a new car and you hear yourself listing all the reasons why your car is better than theirs, or if they got a promotion and you find yourself thinking that you still get paid more than they do, you’re probably too competitive. Remember friendship is team work, working toward a common goal, supporting one another to get there, not a competition or comparison to make you feel better about yourself. This can work in reverse too, maybe your accident was way worse than theirs or your bills are way higher, so they have nothing to complain about. Same thing but backwards. We listen, support, congratulate and lift our friends, working with them, not next to them or against them and they are entitled to their successes and failures in their own right too.
10. You make them feel bad about themselves
I guess this one goes without saying really. Light hearted banter is one thing, but if you are always taking it one step too far and upsetting your friend then stop it immediately. If you put friends down, to their face or to others behind their backs, this says more about you than your friend. Misery loves company, so maybe it is jealousy or discomfort, but whatever it is, do not make it their issue. If you don’t have anything nice to say or do then don’t say anything at all. I remember the time a friend started wearing scarves, and I laughed in her face the first time and said she looked silly in that scarf. That was over 10 years ago and it still haunts me, because it was unkind. And I suspect I was jealous because I didn’t have the confidence to wear a scarf. Now I do and I love them! It just wasn’t nice. Be kind!! Always.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
