I’m certain I must have mentioned by now my love of trashy reality tv shows, right? So, it should come as no surprise that I was watching Love Island UK a few weeks ago, and one of the disagreements between the characters stuck with me.
For those of you who don’t watch the show, it is a dating game, where they put attractive young singles into a summer villa and make them pair up in the hopes of winning a prize at the end. Usually, the people they couple up with initially are not the people they are still with at the end, so there is a fair amount of competition between them for the desired love interests. What happened in the episode that stuck with me was this….
Toby was seeing Kaz. But then Chloe came into the game and he ditched Kaz in preference for the new girl. Him and Chloe got fairly serious, until Abi came into play, at which time he had to choose between Chloe and Abi. As he was discussing this with the boys, I believe there was footage of his mate Hugo saying that Toby couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. That he couldn’t expect the girl he didn’t choose to wait around and still give him a chance. Each time the couples had to recouple, there was a ceremony. At this particular ceremony, Toby chose the new girl Abi, and effectively broke Chloe’s heart, not to mention humiliated her. Hugo was quick to come to Chloe’s defence, saying things along the lines of the fact that Chloe deserved better than that. He recoupled with Chloe; however, she rejected any romance between them and he consoled her over Toby. Toby was outraged and never forgave Hugo for calling him out and holding him accountable in front of the group. He said Hugo never shared his opinion to his face. I actually think he did, but we may never know for sure.
My question is, does a good friend hold you accountable, and does circumstance matter? I got the impression Toby wouldn’t have been able to handle the negative feedback regardless of the public forum. In his eyes, it appeared to be a question of loyalty. If Hugo was a loyal friend, was it his role to simply keep his opinions to himself, and offer support no questions asked? Hugo had different ideas, thinking that a good friend does hold you accountable, so that you can acknowledge mistakes, learn from them and grow into a better person.
Should loyalty be blind? It clearly comes down to mismatched values between the 2 people involved. One valued honesty and growth, and the other valued unconditional support. The incident affected how each man saw his friend; and neither of them were particularly impressed with what was seen under this new light. Their friendship never really recovered.
I suspect both players actually had a point, and loyalty and accountability can coexist. Toby’s point was that Hugo should have pulled Toby for a private chat, and expressed his concerns in a gentle concerned manner. The way he did it publicly served to humiliate his friend and in effect, he did actually choose Chloe over their friendship. As he had romantic intent toward Chloe, even if she didn’t reciprocate, this perhaps clouded his judgement and made him a bit more judgemental. However, Hugo also had a point that Toby was unwise, and unkind to treat Chloe the way that he did and he should not have blindsided her with that rejection publicly either.
In most situations, when a disagreement occurs in a friendship over something not directly related to the 2 people involved, both parties actually have made mistakes that need to be owned and acknowledged, or there is no real way forward. I do think it is a friend’s place to share with you their opinions and tell you if something they do or say doesn’t sit right with them, however I also think that once that opinion has been aired, they should not expect that advice to necessarily be taken. In this situation Hugo obviously had torn loyalties as he was close with both players and he found himself in a difficult predicament. It isn’t unusual in these situations for the person in the difficult position to feel forced into choosing a side. Certainly, they are within their rights to do so.
Say for example Toby had been married to Chloe and having an affair with Abi, after starting his relationship with Chloe also as an affair on Kaz, Hugo would be within his rights to say that those values do not align with his own, and Toby was not the kind of person with whom Hugo would like to be friends, although the behaviour didn’t impact him directly, it did not sit well with him to support this kind of activity.
I have found myself in Hugo’s position twice. The first time I confronted the friend in question about shady hurtful behaviour, and she too questioned my loyalty. In the end, in that circumstance, I did choose to remove myself from the life of the person who’s values and behaviours no longer seemed to mesh with mine. The second time, I tried to hold the first friend accountable and they were not interested in my feedback. Having learnt my mistake from the first encounter, I did not push the issue, However, knowing that the previous incident had brought up questions of loyalty, I also felt I could not warn the other friend about what was happening behind their back. So, in order to be loyal to one friend, I was effectively not being loyal to the other. This didn’t sit well with me either, and eventually I chose to exit the situation with both people, which was sad as I lost 2 close friends.
So maybe I am wrong. Maybe loyalty and accountability can only co-exist when you are holding the person accountable for behaviours, they have done to you personally and reserve feelings and judgement on how they treat others? What I should have done, and maybe what Hugo should have done too, is say to the other person privately “I love and respect you, I don’t wish to lose our friendship, but your behaviours and choices are putting me in a very difficult position and we need to discuss this and find a way around it.”
Usually though, the person is going to do what they want to do, and they are likely to minimise your thoughts and feelings in the matter anyway, and basically proclaim that you have no right to feelings or opinions about a situation doesn’t involve you directly. So honestly, I think you have to decide what is more important to you, choose, even if that means taking sides, and know you chose what was right for you, regardless of what was right for them.
If however, your friend has done something to you directly, then you absolutely should hold them accountable, just do it in a way that lets them know you want to reconcile the issue and work towards the common goal of a healthy connection again, because accountability does make us all feel vulnerable and judged, and we all need to know our friends still love and respect us, even when we mess up!
What are your thoughts and experiences on this? I’d love for you to share them!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
